My mum is an alcoholic and I can’t cope anymore

[TheBrickHedgehog]

Hi everyone

I am not a mum, however I’m posting here as I have nowhere else to turn. I’m a 22 year old woman living with my mother who has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. On the rare occasion that she is sober, my mother is kind and caring, however while under the influence she is a horrible person - manipulative, hostile, dishonest, aggressive, as well as verbally, emotionally and on occasions physically abusive. I have taken the brunt of her anger and abuse ever since I was a young child, and I grew up constantly blaming myself for her drinking, as she has always told me that I am the reason she drinks. For years her drinking has caused countless problems - serious financial issues/debt, relationship breakdowns, drink driving, difficulties holding down a job, her own mental health issues and also the sheer impact it has had on me and my sister growing up. Police have also been involved on occasions where she became physically abusive towards me.
Lately she seems to have hit a new low - calling in sick for over a week now to her job and instead drinking from the moment she wakes up in the morning, to the moment she passes out drunk at night. I have tried and tried relentlessly for years to help her, to show her empathy and compassion, as I can’t stop clinging on to the hope that maybe one day, she will stop drinking. But it has now come to a point where I simply can’t cope, but I am stuck living with her as I cannot afford to move out, despite working full time. I suffered with severe mental health issues as a teenager, much of which was triggered by her drinking and our relationship and despite feeling better for a year or two, I cannot do it anymore. Her only response ever to my struggles is to laugh at and mock me and call me a liar/attention seeker, despite all my efforts to help her. In her eyes, she is the victim in everything, and everyone else is a villain. Any future I imagine seems bleak due to the impact it has on my life, and I have no idea how to improve things - I am completely broken.
Just wanting to see if anyone has any experience of anything similar, as it’s so isolating and there is very little support out there. Thanks

I think you do need to move out, despite financial restraints. Could you afford a house share?

That sounds very, very hard. I agree that you should move out if you possibly can. Her drinking is not your responsibility.

Can you house share? I spent my 20s living in shared housing. Spareroom.com might be useful.

Stop. Stop trying to beg, plead, bribe, cajole to get your mother to stop drinking as she won't and you're completely wasting your time.

Your first step should be to get as far away as possible, then get some therapy. Read up on codependency or you're going to spend your life trying to fix people. Al Anon may also be helpful.

You poor thing. This is not your fault and you are not responsible for her.
do whatever you can to move out - any other family members, a house share. Emergency housing with council.

I sympathise as I know how you are feeling. Have you looked for your local drug and alcohol support service? Even if your mum won't engage some services have a family support service and will be able to offer you support. Unfortunately your mum may not choose to change but maybe you can learn some coping strategies x

This is a very wise post.

It’s so hard to walk away when it’s family, but honestly you didn’t cause this and you can’t fix her.
how old is your sister ?
strongly recommend you leave and find somewhere else where you can prioritise your own health and wellbeing

she isn’t going to change. Leaving is your salvation here

My mother was an alcoholic. I didn’t realise as a kid, until I was around 14 or so. She drove drunk, was violent, maudlin, manipulative, tearful, the works. We got very sneaky with pocket money as she would take it for drink.
I say this just so you know that I understand your situation. I really think that you need to move out. Find a houseshare, spare room.com could be useful, just get yourself away from the situation. You cannot help your mum, you will exhaust yourself trying. She’ll not change until she wants to.
Also contact Al-anon.org, they can advise you and offer support. My best advise is to leave though. None of this is your fault but you can move on from it.

Could you look for groups that support the loved ones of alcoholics? LIke Al-Anon?

Fixing your mum is not your responsibility. But she needs help. I watched a YT video by Gabo Mate who asked his audience of abusers why they abused, why they are addicts. Most of them said it was because they wanted to be numb, they wanted to kill the pain. That’s a massive can of worms. I suspect there’s a lot of truth there. For some that can of worms is more frightening than their substance abuse. Can you get your mum some support, some therapy? For what it’s worth, I had a traumatic event in childhood. Repeated in adulthood. I recognise the trauma, now, after therapy, but detaching from being numb isn’t easy. But maybe that’s an approach? I wish you all the best.

Is there a chance of house sharing/renting with a friend?
You really need to get out of this situation, for your own mental health. The effect that an alcoholic has on the other members of their household is awful. I have experienced this for myself, albeit mildly compared to you. My family member has a personality transplant with even a small amount of alcohol, and it became every single day without fail. I didn’t recognise the person they were and I dreaded being at home with them.
Sending you a hug x

I'm so sorry that you have had to grow up in this environment.

Is there anyone in your family to support you?

Get yourself to the council and tell them you are fleeing a domestic violence situation. They should be able to house you in a hostel or temporary accommodation. It's not ideal, but it'll give you some breathing space and you can look to move on to a more permanent place once you're settled. If you are placed in a hostel they usually provide guidance and help you to find other accommodation. I'm not sure what age you are, but there's a lot of help for 16-25 year olds. I have been in a similar situation, so please PM me if you need any further support.

I agree it's not the worst idea to speak to the housing unit at your local council or even to try Women's Aid. You're obviously at risk of harm where you are.

I know you've probably heard this, but please let me tell you again - this isn't your fault.

My mum didn't drink but she did have a very nasty side that would come out when she lost her temper. I did have to get away from her and start living my own life. I know it's daunting, but at the very least please let us reassure you that you deserve a better life.

Please take care of yourself. It's so important to always look after yourself first in life. For one thing, you can't support anyone else if you aren't taking care of yourself. For another, you deserve some time to be the most important person in your life, especially at your age.

Sending you a big hug xx

I just want to send you a massive hug. I’m in my mid-30s now, but have been exactly where you are at your age. I spent a good chunk of my twenties trying to ‘fix’ my alcoholic mum and all it did was cause me stress, heartbreak and mental health struggles. After spending months getting my mum into a rehab only for her to leave, I decided to detach and step away. You can’t fix your mum and you aren’t the reason she’s an alcoholic, no matter how convincing her abuse is.

My advice to you is move out and seek mental health support. It’s daunting and scary but you need to build a life for yourself away from her. You say you have a low wage but you may be entitled to the housing element from universal credit or emergency accommodation support. Call women’s aid or book a citizens advice appointment.

Eventually my mum died from alcohol related causes. It’s devastating but there’s nothing I could’ve done. And I’ve managed to build a beautiful life for myself with a partner, children and a job I enjoy. It is possible but you need to take the steps, you can do it! Good luck xx

I experienced the same thing with my mum until she died of cirrhosis. You have to get away from this horrible situation and maybe even cut her off for a while. She's dragging you down with her.

Please make plans for a fresh start and don't be sucked in by her manipulation. I had threats of suicide and false claims of cancer before I left, but you must put yourself first. Your situation at the moment is like staying on a sinking ship, without a life jacket.

You are me!!! I was in exactly the same situation. I could have written this. It affects your entire life and on the outside no one knows. My mum managed to hold a job down (just about). I was out of the house soon as I could, however looking back I was venerable. The only way people stop or get help is when they hit the bottom. No one around them can change anything so please don’t blame yourself. My advice would be to seek help with accommodation, go to the council explain your situation and see if you can get on the housing list, house shares, rooms to rent. Ensure you have hobbies and socialise. Looking back I shut everyone out as no one could visit me, I didn’t want to go out and drink so lost friends along the way. I really real for you and you’re so young. IMO plan your way out. Ensure you’re happy within yourself and see what your future looks like. There’s help out there for you please research and find out ways to get out. Once you have set yourself up you’re on your way and can decide what sort of relationship you want with your mum. Sending love x

Im so sorry you’re going through this.

There is a support thread on the Alcohol Support board called “Continued Support for those affected by someone else’s drinking” that you might find helpful

I’ve tried to link to it but it doesn’t seem to work this morning, sorry

As the daughter of an alcoholic I could have wrote your post. I agree with all the comments in this quote. None of this is your fault. You are not responsible for any of this or for her. Please move out to a house share if you can. You need to get away from your mum because her alcoholism has already destroyed her life and is destroying yours.

Being a lodger in someone's house works out cheaper than renting on your own, can you ask around colleagues and friends. You must get out, you can only help those who want to help themselves.

You are in an abusive dynamic, a situation which is not of your making. I suggest joining AA for friends and families of alcoholics and also contacting a women's refuge. If your mum was your husband/life partner, and was physically and emotionally abusing you, they would help you to get out. They might be able to do the same. You need to get away from her, you cannot fix her, you can only save yourself.

I m also the child of a alcoholic, my addicted parent is dead 12 years now,and I still love him and think of him every day. I m STILL processing the effect of his addiction on my life. It takes so so so long to try to figure it all out.

Get out now, prioritise yourself, get therapy and support from external experts, you deserve it. Addiction permeates through the whole family, you need external help to navigate this.

Look for local Al-Anon group and also Adult Children of Alcoholics, definitely go there fir help and support. Make plans to move out asap. Contact council, Women's Aid, and so on. (Women's Aid are not just for battered wives. You're actually suffering from verbal and emotional abuse from your mum and they can help with this, they even have counselling, it will help you to see it's not your fault and not acceptable.) Look for a room in a shared house perhaps? Definitely take the necessary steps to leave.
Read up on codependency.... the other side of growing up in a house with an addict. Get whatever therapeutic and mental health help you can for yourself because, through no fault of your own, you've grown up in an abusive and codependent environment.

It may help you to know that, while staying and being a loving daughter trying to support and get help for your mum may seem like the kindest thing to do for your mum.... it's not. Unfortunately it actually enables the addict to continue with their destructive behaviour. So, leaving and putting in boundaries can be a form of tough love. You WILL need help with all of this. There is no way that you could currently know what a healthy boundary is for you because your mum while in her addiction has eroded al your boundaries.

You CAN still love and have empathy for your mum, while clipping the unhealthy ties that bind and getting out of the situation of taking the abuse.

I recommend a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship " to help u understand that it IS really abuse and is damaging.

Every effort that you put in to getting YOURSELF therapy, counselling, support, is going to benefit not just you but people in your life in the future who you have relationships with. It's going to help your self-esteem and help you not get into another codependent relationship with a partner... it's going to help your future relationship with your kids if you decide to have any and it's going to help your relationship with your mum, eventually, I hope. And it's going to help your relationship with yourself.

Don't underestimate what you've been going through. Be so kind and gentle to yourself. Avoid self medicating your emotions with anything whether it be alcohol, food, drugs or whatever- therapy therapy therapy. If you don't like a therapist... get a new one. It can take a wjike to get a good fit but for now any free help you can get. Contact gp too and ask for whatever help nhs can give to your mum or you eg community addiction or mental health team etc

Even a good local church can be a good support, you would be surprised, some churches do a lot of work re addiction, foodbanks, etc

You definitely need out of there. It's heartbreaking for you to see your poor mum suffer from addiction and to feel her pain and vitriol turn on you. THIS IS WHAT ALCOHOLICS DO. If she ever does get into proper rehabilitation/therapy and is off it and faces up to it... she will then know what shehas done to you is wrong

This is a 'plane going down' situation. You need to get the oxygen mask and life jacket on now and save yourself and if you focus on that you may be able to help your mum in the future but in a different, non-enabling way. Even you leaving will help (even if she doesn't reach out for help and sinks further...while you're there she's just gonna blame abd abuse you)

Also don't underestimate this, in my opinion it seems to be much worse on you when your mum is the alcoholic (rather than the dad). That depends of course as we all know a violent alcoholic dad would be hugely terrifying and dangerous. But there is something SO damaging in growing up with your mother who gave birth to you choosing alcohol over you. Remember it is addiction and at the moment your mum is not consciously choosing this. And her wrongly blaming you is one of the things keeping her stuck.

Please please use all the answers on this thread and give yourself permission to seek ALL the help you can. You need it and deserve it. You will likely have periods of feeling worthless ...this is NOT true and is a result of the abuse and co dependency and dysfunctionality in your household... and depressed, and it will be hard when you leave for a little while so get counselling and therapy in place now

Do you know what as well? We ALL could have done with a therapist through our 20s! (I'm speaking for myself anyway). I grew up in an addiction and codependency filled house too. You can do this but don't isolate and fight the impulse to. One step at a time build your support network. Good luck, we are all urging you on ! I can feel your love for your mother in your words. Underneath her addiction she loves you too but when she is in the addiction you are dealing with a monster trying to attack and destroy you. You need to get help to get away now. You can do it

But why do people drink? Is it to block out feelings ? Is it coz they are in physical pain? Why? I had a MIL who drank and was nasty to my husband and other people when she on occasion got really 'paralytic ', but I never understood why she drank. If we went round there she'd get out the wine glasses immediately and if we went out she'd always make a beeline for rhe nearest pub. I just never got why.