How to proceed post altercation with a drunk mother of daughter's friend?

[TalkMutherhood]

Long story short: We hosted my daughter's birthday Friday evening. One of the moms got lost finding our home and when I got on the phone to help her find her way, she berated me and called me names (calling me crazy, stupid, etc) - she was roaming around in another part of town where I do not live so I was unable to help her without pulling up a map - hence why I was "stupid". Upon arrival, she grabbed her daughter and another girl and took off.

I did not realize she was stumbling when she arrived but another adult pointed it out after she departed. I was still reeling from the phone call and wasn't quite processing what was happening. I am feeling very guilty that I let her drive girls home but was able to confirm that everyone got home in one piece.

I have pieced together other things I have noticed and I think she is an alcoholic (smell of beer at noon at school, etc.). She has also yelled at kids when volunteering in the classroom - this is hearsay from the kids.

I am so uncomfortable post this interaction that I want to avoid their family. I do not think trying to talk to her would yield anything beneficial. Here is my dilemma: Do I inform the mothers of the other kids who often ride or hang with her daughter? How do I make sure we include her daughter ongoing after this interaction? I do not want to impact the reputation of the child but would be so angry if my child ever got hurt and someone knew about the situation. Do I have a duty to do anything about this?

Oh that’s awful. Does she drive to collect from school. You could report her registration as suspected drink driver to 101.

Surely if she’s helping in a classroom the teachers notice?
I wouldn’t be badmouthing her to other parents, I’d always include her daughter but, any time she was due to drive I’d be tempted to phone and report her to the police. I’d never let me DC get in a car with her, I’d rather offer to drive a load of kids myself tbh than risk her taking them.

Her daughter walks to school so thankfully she is not on the road when there are lots of children present.

I would think the teacher would notice. I have only smelled the beer outside so unclear her status in the classroom. Good idea about driving the kids - I think I can diplomatically step in if there is ever a situation where I know she may be driving.

God love her child OP, what did that wee pet go home to the other night🥲 the wee girl will not forget being ripped out of your house like that. I would always be super kind to a child like that.

Did you smell alcohol at your house?
Are you sure about the stumbling?

I am not sure you even need to go down the alcoholic suggestion - it sounds like her behaviour was erratic enough to warrant concern in any case.

I am not sure you have enough evidence to 'have' to do something from a legal POV and I'm not sure there is anything the police could or would do based on what you've written given they wouldn't be able to prove at this point she'd broken any laws.

Social services - nuclear option.

I really feel for you - I'd be struggling as to what to do as well. But I'd be thinking about her child and any other child she may be dealing with.

I THINK I might consider calling the school and saying that you had a worrying incident with the parent and need to ask their advice as you understand they may have some context for her behaviour given she volunteers in the school. You feel you have a duty to follow up on what you saw and are thinking things through.

I hope you know the teachers well enough and feel confident it would be treated sensitively.

I would mention it at school. It's a safeguarding issue for her children and others

If you suspect a drunk driver, particularly with children, you must call the police. She could kill someone eventually unless she is stopped.

Either she’s a raging bitch in which case she can bugger off and no reason you shouldn’t ‘bad mouth’ her to other parent - is it bad mouthing when it’s just a true account of what she did?

or she’s a normal person who is an alcoholic who was having a deep moment - if she was able to drive without crashing I’d be surprised though …it was as bad an episode so as to turn an otherwise lovely person into a raving lunatic. (You’re usually soooo battered by this point that you can’t see let alone drive from personal experience)

or she’s an alcoholic and a raging bitch.

either way report it to the school and frankly if she was that abusive you could’ve called the police to report - or just report online. Also did you know she was taking this other child? Or did she just nab them from your doorstep? Bit weird.

Agree with letting the school know you suspect the mom was drink driving with her DC in the car. They can piece any other info they have together.

I would continue to invite the girl to whatever activities/play dates/etc. you did previously but, if possible, arrange to drop her off. I wouldn’t be letting my own DC to go to her house or to anything where the mum will be supervising on her own (or driving).

If I knew the parents of the other girls who the mom may drive around sometimes or supervise, I would consider whether it’s possible to let them know your suspicions without it becoming a gossip nightmare, so that they can be on the look out and make up their own minds about how circumspect to be. I would be careful about telling someone I thought would tell her what I’d said or who I thought would be likely to spread it around as fact or otherwise create drama about it.

Would she have been overdue for an insulin shot? I’m not hugely familiar with the process, but isn’t it a thing where people in need of their medication can appear disorientated and give off alcoholic fumes on the breath?

either or, careful handling is required. A discreet discussion with the school principal may be your starting point…

I know that most people with alcohol problems do not stop or examine their own behaviour until they start to loose things that are precious
you need to decide if your priority is protecting the child who may be at risk or getting the mother to address her problem (she may still be a way off the “rock bottom “ that most people need to enable a recovery ) if you believe that the child is at risk you should contact social services if not you should let things run their course you can plant the seed in many ways have a look at the al -anon website
there is lots of constructive information on dealing with problem drinking
I would consider the consequences before getting involved on a personal level
as it can backfire
all you should do is “plant the seed ‘ if you can

Personally I would raise with the school, it may be a piece of the puzzle of information that they already have on the family.

I would tell the girl who she drove homes parents. Surely they have a right to know if they are allowing their child in her car

Thank you so much! This is extremely thoughtful and feels like a sound approach. I am so torn all around. Even though I don't like the mother, I do feel for whatever she may be dealing with that leads to this kind of interaction and I am definitely thinking about ALL the kids.

I was helping others kids get their stuff together to go home and she came swiftly through (my front door was open), told the girls to grab their stuff and I didn't have interaction. The one girl hustled so quickly she left some items behind - that gave me the chance to confirm she made it home in a diplomatic way.

Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and consideration. :)

I don’t think I’m unreasonable for thinking it’s weird you let a woman who was hurling abuse at you take a child who isn’t theirs from your home without knowing whether she was meant to be travelling by one with this woman? And I think it’s weird you felt you had to be diplomatic in finding out whether this child was safe. And I think, not that it matters but you did ask on a public advice forum, that you should take stock on why you struggle to assert yourself in situations like this. I get it must’ve been totally shocking and unexpected but you don’t need to be diplomatic or nervous when it comes to children’s safety. You need to be able to stand your ground.

This. I’d go nuclear if I was worried about drink driving. I’d call social services too. And the school.

I was told by the other mother that she was to go home with her - I should have clarified that. The arrival and departure happened very swiftly - front door was open and I was in another room - other adults were in the foyer. That said, you are not wrong in that I did tread very lightly in confirming the other child's safety. I was trying to avoid a rumor mill but also could have been more assertive.

Ah ok sorry wrong end of the stick. I do get it as there have certainly been times I look back on and cringe that I should’ve said or done something differently but you weren’t in the mind frame for a fight you were in the mind frame for a kids party; trying to be happy and get everyone to have fun and be jolly. So of course it took you off guard to find yourself in an aggressive situation.

There is such a thing as a‘functioning alcoholic’ this is someone who can effectively “mask’ the symptoms of drunkenness despite having consumed a large quantity particularly in people who have a longstanding practice at this behaviour you can never tell how much someone has consumed everyone has a different tolerance level particularly if they are progressively consuming more

This is what I am thinking is happening though I only have piecemeal information at best. I feel for both mom and the daughter - such a horrible disease if this is in fact what is going on in their home. I anticipate it only magnifies her aggression.

You should definitely talk to the parents of children who ride in her car.

You should also tell the school.

I think deep down you really do understand that she's a problem drinker.

Your observations would be noted by the safeguarding lead.

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, you can be drunk and belligerent while parenting your children and not be an alcoholic. I think we’ve all witnessed this a time or two at a family BBQ or Christmas or the school fundraiser or whatever. Sometimes people have too much to drink and act really irresponsibly. Often the alcoholics are the ones you don’t even know are drinking. It’s worth pointing out only because I think people notice the slurring, stumbling mums but not the ones with a flask of wine in their handbag at 11am at playgroup.

Nonetheless, you’ve asked what to do. What I would do firstly, is gently raise it with the other mum. I would absolutely want to know if a mum who drove my child home was possibly drunk. Secondly, I would raise it as a safeguarding issue with school. It may not be enough to act on, but it will help paint a picture of a child who may need extra support because home life is chaotic.

Thank you so much. This is very insightful. I’m speaking with the other parent today and will reach out to the school as well.