Is he an alcoholic?

[GoldenNuggets08]

OH drinks in a pub every evening. 3-4 pints. He has started hiding it from me. He came home in such bad form one evening last week when he hadn't gone to the pub. On the evenings he goes, he is in great form when he gets home.

I can't do it anymore. We are due to get married next year. I don't want this to be my life. We are only in our 30s.

I've no idea what to do or how to approach it. We are Irish so there's lads of all ages doing the same thing that he meets. Addiction problems are common in his family.

I'm heart broken. I don't want to tell anyone about it in real life because I love him so much and don't want anyone to think less of him.

Help!

Have you spoken to him about it? Does he believe he has a problem?

@Eyesopenwideawake haven't spoken to him about it yet. He is very stressed about a lot of things at the moment and I know he will say it's his way of switching off

It’s too much. I have Irish family and have seen a lot of drink issues. You need to talk to him about it (perhaps at a weekend when he’s not drunk or hungover) and essentially say that unless things change there is no future in the relationship.

Gently, you don't 'know' unless and until you have that conversation and he realises that you intend to end the relationship due to his drinking.

Unless you really love him, (and even then) I’m sorry - I’d walk away.
Going against the grain I know.

It’s too much. And hiding his drinking from you shows that he knows it’s a problem, but can’t stop himself. The fact that not drinking affects his mood is also a sign of addiction.

You should talk to him about it, but nothing will change unless he is committed to giving up drinking. You can’t make him or convince him, it just doesn’t work unfortunately. Unless he decides to stop, it will only get worse.

Yes he's an alcoholic. Walk away. Do not marry him.

I should have added to my OP, I'm not here to be told to walk away! I'm here for advice but if that's the only advice you have, I don't need to hear it!

Thanks for this! I agree I can't make him stop and know it has to come from him. Just having the conversation is going to be tough and I don't know how to approach it.

Yes it is, but you can't NOT have it. Alcohol is such a huge part of life in Ireland but pretty much every family is touched by the negative side of it. I lived in Dublin for 12 years, the first six with a wonderful man who died from it before he was 60.

Your man knows all this. So do you.

@Eyesopenwideawake oh yes I absolutely have to have it. I'll be miserable and frustrated if I don't. It has to happen. I think I'll set myself a deadline to have had it by.

I worked in a pub for years and always thought to myself "look at these men coming here every night and their poor wives at home" and now I am that person and it makes me both sad and angry.

He is definitely a problem drinker and possibly an alcoholic! It could be primarily friends influence and stress but there definitely does seem to be a bit of an addictive tendency if it’s every day!

I think alcohol is a big problem in Ireland and the UK, social drinking is a big part of that! One of my old Friday night after work crew in Dublin passed away and his partner believes it was largely caused by his drinking. A lovely lady I worked with in England used to joke about going home to drink a bottle of spirits after a stressful day - I would quip “I need two”. Someone told me one day that her and her husband were actually drinking a bottle a day. She got cancer and passed away a few months later - I don’t know if the alcohol contributed but likely didn’t help - it does contribute to so many illnesses. It is so sad as both were lovely, one was in his 50s and the lady has just turned 60.

I found when I moved to England a number of my friends drank a lot, particularly in one work place they were heavy drinkers and to socialise and not be left out you find you drink a lot more than usual. One guy in particular used to badger any of us that did dry January or decided not to drink. It was very different to my Irish friends who would stay for hours drinking pints with food - my English colleagues drank the same amount but with no food/soakage and drank it all within an hour or two so the evening was always over by 7/8pm. People would literally have 3/4 drinks in an hour and one girl (who does say she has an issue with alcohol) would drink a bottle of wine in an hour - one night she drank about 3 bottles on her own. My partner definitely ended up drinking too much around then too - he also had a stressful job which didn’t help and started having some every day. I gave him an ultimatum and he agreed to cut down, we both gave up alcohol for a few months and then said weekends only. It was hard in particular meeting work colleagues when they were drinking. Apparently it takes 2 weeks for your brain to stop thinking about alcohol so the first two weeks are the worst, it obviously needs much longer to let your organs recover from the damage. My partner is an all or nothing person so if he has a drink he will usually have a few but now I say try not to have more than 3 and stick to weekends or the occasional mid week with friends - it works for us. I would suggest you both try doing a dry period of at least a month, allow his brain to reset and then try a compromise of only one night in the week with friends and no more than 3 drinks? Also maybe try signing up for classes or activities that are non drink related to try and build a social life that doesn’t resolve around drink - art, writing, touch rugby, hiking, football, languages. I do find that some work places do a lot more socialising around drink than others so if it’s the work culture maybe he needs to change jobs too?

@RandomWordsThrownTogether thanks so much for that post!!

He's self employed and it is stressful but he is better working for himself than for someone. It just suits him better and he does enjoy the actual work, it's the booking keeping and finances he stresses about!

I'd be alright with him going out on a Fri or Sat night and staying for more than 3, it's the after work drinks and being late home that is killing me. Some of his friends are single and anyone in a relationship/ with children for the most part follow the same routine as him. It's a massive problem in the locality to be honest.

Update: i spoke to him last night. He admitted he has a problem, triggered largely by stress. We are working on it. Thanks for everyone's advice.