Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Is 30-40 units a week ok?

11 replies

April2013 · 22/04/2025 11:39

My husband drinks like this every week, it’s 10 units 3/4 nights a week. He says it’s fine but he has depression and physical health problems which will never improve while drinking this much but he says they aren’t affected by it. I worry he is over the limit the next day when driving in the morning and he angrily says he has worked out that it’s fine. He occasionally drinks with friends but mostly it’s at home by himself. I can’t remember the last time I saw him drink just 1/2 drinks. He is angry when I confront him about it, says I shouldn’t micromanage him etc. We are separating probably anyway but that will involve living together for a while and I’m struggling being around it. I worry about the impact on our children. Am I overreacting? If he didn’t have mental and physical health problems and was nice to us all and not sluggish and irritable, negative most days I probably wouldn’t care as much. I am realising his problems are self inflicted and I don’t have any sympathy/tolerance anymore. We have been here many times and he sometimes manages to reduce his units per week for a week or so but always it ends up going back to normal. Thanks for any advice. I grew up with alcoholics and have seen how bad it can be - I know it isn’t at that stage but I still absolutely hate it.

OP posts:
GroupDiscountOnTheBusToHell · 22/04/2025 11:45

No, you are not overreacting.
No, it’s not alright.
He is an alcoholic.
It will be having an impact on DC.
It will be making his depression worse.
It is possibly contributing to physical health issues, at the very least he is increasing his risk of getting any one of multiple types of cancer.

I also had an alcoholic parent, didn’t live with them beyond age 10.
Unsurprisingly two out of 4 of us children have serious alcohol issues, and depression/serious MH issues.

Arghgerroffyabastard · 22/04/2025 11:48

The biggest negative impact is that this level of drinking is being normalised to your children, setting them up for their own alcohol issues in the future.

As somebody who grew up in such a household and had to completely stop drinking in mid-adulthood because I was just unable to regulate it, I can tell you this is a real problem.

Hopefully, you can leave him soon!

passmeaglass · 22/04/2025 11:50

My ex behaved very like this. It took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t ok and I would always be on egg shells around him. Took a lot of courage but we separated and I haven’t looked back. We weren’t married and had no children though.
Whether it fits the description of alcoholic or not it’s not healthy and is a way to ruin relationships. He will be having a detrimental impact on you and your children’s lives. I would definitely plan to get out as soon as possible.

vincettenoir · 22/04/2025 11:53

He is self medicating. He doesn’t seem like he has insight into his problems or that he wants to change. Sorry, this sounds very difficult to deal with.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 22/04/2025 11:55

You know it is not ok. But confronting him about it will not change anything. People must decide for themselves. Just as you must decide what you are going to do for yourself. There is no point making your own life more difficult by trying to change him - decide what is best for you and the DC then focus on that.

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 12:22

Do you drink op?

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 12:22

Please say no children in this environment?

CrownCoats · 22/04/2025 12:23

That’s an enormous amount of alcohol. Your husband is an alcoholic.

wordywitch · 22/04/2025 12:25

No it’s not okay, he will be doing his physical and mental health a lot of damage with that amount.

Megifer · 22/04/2025 12:25

Hes an alcoholic Alcoholics IME need to hit a rock bottom of some sort before they change. Some never do hit their rock bottom.

Best advice I was ever given is you can't change or help an alcoholic. All you can control is whether this is OK for you and your family to witness and live with.

mindutopia · 22/04/2025 14:36

It’s definitely too much. As an alcoholic, I’m not quick to label others as alcoholics, because it’s not that black and white. But he is drinking too much. I would absolutely bet though that he’s drinking more than 30-40 units if he has a drinking problem and is getting defensive about it, unless you are massively controlling about all sorts of things.

When I quit drinking, I was drinking about 200 units a week. There is absolutely no way my husband knew I was drinking that much. Too much, yes. But the exact amount, no. He would have counted the drinks with dinner and the bottles in the recycling. He would not have known anything about the bottle of wine on the train home or the single G&T from the petrol station, added up over a week, it was a lot.

That said, if you are splitting, not your circus, not your monkeys. Focus on yourself and what you need to do for a fresh start. You don’t need to micromanage and you shouldn’t.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page