Are my parents alcoholics?

[Mcgttc]

Please bear with me this could be quite a long read.

For as long as I can remember my parents have drank.

when I was small my dad would take me for tea one night through the week (to the local pub) and my mum would stay at home with my sibling. As we grew up we would all go to the local hotel on a Saturday night, sometimes just for drinks and other times for tea.

I remember one night after getting back from the local hotel, my younger sibling coming through to my room, as my parents were downstairs arguing in the kitchen and my dad screaming “if you don’t shut up I’ll smash this glass in your face”

one new year eve my mum spent the later part of the evening with her head down the toilet after returning from a NYE party.

these are just 2 things that I remember most.

there was always wine in the fridge and beer in the cupboard.

fast forward 20 years and my parents now in their late 60s live close to us. They drink EVERY night. From any time after 4.30pm. Mum drinks wine 13% and dad beers. Mum will drink at least a bottle, sometimes 2. And dad could have 4-6 beers.

my mum often says I’m having a wine free night tonight then the next minute she’s got a glass of wine. Can she not resist? Is it habbit?

my brother occasionally stays over. He can easily drink 14-15 cans in a night.

is this normal?

hubby and I can’t drink due to our jobs so I’m not sure if this is quite normal it if they all have a bit of a problem?

thanks if you got this far

I would say that they are alcoholics. Over that period of time and that volume, they are likely to have damaged their health.

Not normal.

my mum is the same.

it’s damaged her health

I would say they're certainly living the lives of alcoholics. If this is in the UK the culture is so pro-alcohol that I think you do occasionally find people who are drinking like this but could walk away from it. But the fact that your mum says she's going to have a night off but then doesn't.. suggests she is dependent.

Kindly does it matter. What I mean is do you need to qualify them as 'alcoholics' - they clearly drink far too much and as a child exposed you to incidents when they had drunk too much which were scary for you. It also sounds like there was domestic abuse as a feature in their relationship (threatening to smash a glass in a face is not typical drunk behaviour). I wonder from the little you've shared if there is more for you to unpack here about who they are to you and how you feel about them.

They all sound like they drink too much alcohol on a regular basis for sure. It’s definitely not “normal” in that not all people who drink alcohol would drink to this extent. For example, I drink alcohol but I only really drink 1-2 units every month or so. I’d say most people who drink, do drink more than this, but significantly less than your family members. However in certain areas and/or social circles it might appear “normal” to them and they genuinely may not realise it’s a problem. More likely they’re in a bit of denial though. Whether they are truly “alcoholics” or it’s more that they have fallen into bad habits and potentially don’t realise because many people around them are the same is hard to know for sure. It’s likely hard to try to effect change in your parents who have been in these habits for a long time, though possibly it sounds like your mum has some awareness that it’s not great and a desire to change though she’s finding it hard, either due to addiction or due to struggling to find new patterns of behaviour especially as she is with your dad who is carrying on drinking. Your brother might be less entrenched in bad patterns and easier to help.

When I was a child (am 53) my dad went to the pub every single day. Lunchtime during the week, friday night and then Saturday and Sunday afternoon. If we were out on a Saturday he would get twitchy about getting back in time (this was when they closed I think at 3). At some point, he and my mum had a spate of going together on a Saturday night, assume when I was old enough to be left with my grandma who had dementia or left on my own so probably about 11. I remember my mum sliding down the wall at a friends house on new years eve then vomiting in their bed and we then went home. When i was in my late teens I had to ring in sick for her one day as she was still drunk when she got up and fell in the bathroom.

My dad was never really drunk I think he just preferred the pub to being at home. He would pick me up from school stinking of beer and I hated it. Was it also more normalised then to drink at lunchtime?

Sorry that was a self indulgent rant, my dad in his latter years was very ill (no doubt as a result of the booze and cigarettes) so didn't drink and my mums in her 80's and wants to live forever so is very thin, doesn't really drink and sees herself as superior for it.

It's their normal but it's not right, yes they do have a problem I would say.

@Octavia64
i hate how much they drink. I have once commented on how much they drink but it didn’t seem to make a difference. It’s their life are the end of the day but I have to “watch”

Not normal at all IMO. Well over NHS recommendations, and yes I would strongly suspect that they are alcoholics

I know normal is different in every household. Normal for me is maybe 4 drinks in an entire 12 months, I know I'm on the lower side, but also all or most of my friends (40s - 60s) go at least 6 days without drinking unless they are on holiday, and the majority of us drink maybe one a month max. I also know thatthere are several mumsnetters who will probably come on here and protest that drinking every day is fiiiiiiine and they have an alcohol free night every now and again, but it's just not healthy.

You probably need to work on that, you don't have to watch, am not being an arse and know where you are coming from but you need to detach. I spent all my wedding day up until the speeches monitoring my dads alcohol intake in case he was drunk doing his speech. It's exhausting.

You need to let go. You can't do anything about their drinking and they know that frequently drinking to excess is bad for your health.

You might find Al Anon helpful.

The fact your mum announces a "wine free night" is telling. The fact she can't achieve this small feat more so. One bottle of wine per night is too much in my opinion, two definitely. It sounds like both of your parents are addicted to alcohol unfortunately.

I would say they are definitely problem drinkers. “Alcoholic” is a bit of a vague term. It’s not so black and white as you are or you aren’t. It’s much more on a spectrum than anything. People often use the term alcoholic to indicate that someone is physically addicted to alcohol. Are they? It’s anyone’s guess really. But they certainly have a problematic relationship with alcohol.

And they will, your brother included, have health implications of long term heavy drinking. It may not kill them directly, but it is certainly going to contribute to poorer overall health as they age than if they had been teetotal all these years. And it certainly sounds like it’s impacting on their relationships (you) and limiting their life choices (your mum opting to drink even when she said she’d have a night off and do something else).

It’s not too late to change if they want to. My MIL got sober in her early 70s after decades of heavy drinking (and a husband who died of alcoholism).

You don’t have to watch. Step away.

Hi there!

It sounds like your parents have drank alcohol to excess for a long time. To answer your question bluntly, yes, I think they are alcoholics.

It is great that your mum has begun to think differently and has actually shared out loud that she wants to include some alcohol free evenings. As she is saying it to you, then you could hold her accountable and ask her about why she has decided this? She is obviously finding it difficult As you’ll see from other threads in the alcohol section, there are lots of us who know alcohol is very bad for our health and want to cut back, but find it really difficult and reach out in here for support. I have been told that you can’t really do it alone (give up alcohol) if you’re an alcoholic or misuse it but maybe you could get some tips in this section for your mum if you wanted to talk to her about this? Ie never go hungry. Food for me kills any urge to drink and I always used to save my food calories for wine !

Are they online st all as there are some great communities; Dryy for example, who help people cut back on their drinking and celebrate life without alcohol. There’s loads of people who give up in their later years, it is possible, but they have to want to do it. If they don’t then, you may be better leaving them to it…. But your mum does sound like she’s becoming a little enlightened.

I can recall a couple of incidents from my childhood that stayed with me, and through hypnotherapy I explored them and was able to put them to rest. Perhaps you would benefit from talking through these with a counsellor 💛

Alll the best x

She is. If she's having a bottle every night, she's going to feel sick if she suddenly took a night off.

Your parents (and brother) need to get sorted.

Check out alcoholChange website for information about dependency.

Unfortunately it's more and more common.