Changing the habits / mindset

HorrorFan81 · 2025-04-03T11:03:29+00:00

I would describe myself as a problematic drinker. Can easily go weeks without drinking but usually have no 'off' switch - once I start it's an absolute battle to stop and I frequently take it too far and lose memory. I've been kidding myself for years I can get control of this but then the next time I drink I do it again I dont think I am ready to say I am completely giving up drink. But I am sober curious. I haven't had a drink now in nearly 7 weeks and am aiming for 100 days and seeing how I feel. I am reading books and following insta posts etc but what I think I am really struggling with is the thought of never again having that cocktail whilst watching the sunset, or enjoying a glass of wine with my husband over dinner For others who have been on this journey what helped you make that mindset shift? Also can anyone recommend any reading that helped them? Most of the stuff I am finding is someone drinking every single day and pouring vodka into their morning tea and thats not my experience so its hard to relate

Grenoble124 · 03/04/2025 14:07

Listen to Gill Tietz. She has one podcast which says you drink the way you drink and that's it. You will never be able to moderate and you will never be able to drink again for the rest of your life. I blacked out with my kids. That made me stop 8 months ago. They will never see me like that again. I also don't want to ruin my reptation in a small town (drunk at neighbour bbq when it happened). My father died of cirrhosis, my brother heading that way and my other brother suicide (heavy drinking). You would think that would have been enough of a deterrent. I have Nozeco now. And Sentia. It's not worth the anxiety, shame and panic.

Original poster

HorrorFan81 · 03/04/2025 14:56

Grenoble124 · 03/04/2025 14:07

Listen to Gill Tietz. She has one podcast which says you drink the way you drink and that's it. You will never be able to moderate and you will never be able to drink again for the rest of your life. I blacked out with my kids. That made me stop 8 months ago. They will never see me like that again. I also don't want to ruin my reptation in a small town (drunk at neighbour bbq when it happened). My father died of cirrhosis, my brother heading that way and my other brother suicide (heavy drinking). You would think that would have been enough of a deterrent. I have Nozeco now. And Sentia. It's not worth the anxiety, shame and panic.

Thanks will check her out

OP posts:

mindutopia · 03/04/2025 19:22

The first thing I’d say is don’t think about the “but I’ll never”. Think about today and the next 100 days. It’s a bit like running a marathon or climbing a mountain, if you’ve ever done something like that. The first day or week you start training you absolutely cannot bloody imagine ever being able to run 26.2 miles.

And you’d be absolutely correct. You at that moment cannot run 26.2 miles. But with practice and consistency and seeing little wins and having people cheer you on and putting in the miles and taking care of your body and your mind along the way, in 6 months time, you will totally be able to run 26.2 miles. Because you prepared yourself for it.

I went away on a (very rare!) romantic weekend with Dh when I was 1 month sober. I’d never in my adult life been on a holiday without drinking (bar maybe a weekend camping when I was pregnant). We went out for nice dinners together. He had a glass or two of wine (he’s very sensible, can have a drink and switch to fizzy water unlike me). I had an AF beer or a mocktail.

We talked for hours! It was wonderful. I also actually enjoyed the lovely food in every course. We watched the sunset. We also got up early the next day and went walking feeling fresh. It blew my mind that actually it was completely fine and I didn’t have the teeniest bit of FOMO. The more you practice these things, the more normal it will be without alcohol. I’m nearly 2 years sober (this month) and I truly can’t imagine ever drinking again. Like it holds no appeal for me at all. I would say that’s the case for 98% of the longer term sober people I know. You will get there. You just have to have faith it will happen until it does.

Also I’ve discovered there are some things I just find intolerable without drinking - bloody school fundraisers which are always very boozy and the school mum queen bees are very eye rolly with their trays of shots. I just don’t do them anymore. 😂 If it’s too miserable to do an activity because I need to be drunk to tolerate everyone, that’s my cue that it’s not for me. It’s very freeing to just say no.

In the shorter term, the strategy of playing the tape forward helped. You say you are someone who can’t just have one drink and leave it. So when you’re sitting at dinner with the menu open, imagine how you’ll feel in 12 hours, 8am, nauseous, anxious, full of regret that you did it again. I never want to feel like that again. It takes the shine off that glass of wine and I’ll very happily stick to an elderflower fizzy water or whatever. I feel very smug the next morning all fresh when everyone else is feeling like shit, to be completely honest!

Original poster

HorrorFan81 · 03/04/2025 23:32

mindutopia · 03/04/2025 19:22

The first thing I’d say is don’t think about the “but I’ll never”. Think about today and the next 100 days. It’s a bit like running a marathon or climbing a mountain, if you’ve ever done something like that. The first day or week you start training you absolutely cannot bloody imagine ever being able to run 26.2 miles.

And you’d be absolutely correct. You at that moment cannot run 26.2 miles. But with practice and consistency and seeing little wins and having people cheer you on and putting in the miles and taking care of your body and your mind along the way, in 6 months time, you will totally be able to run 26.2 miles. Because you prepared yourself for it.

I went away on a (very rare!) romantic weekend with Dh when I was 1 month sober. I’d never in my adult life been on a holiday without drinking (bar maybe a weekend camping when I was pregnant). We went out for nice dinners together. He had a glass or two of wine (he’s very sensible, can have a drink and switch to fizzy water unlike me). I had an AF beer or a mocktail.

We talked for hours! It was wonderful. I also actually enjoyed the lovely food in every course. We watched the sunset. We also got up early the next day and went walking feeling fresh. It blew my mind that actually it was completely fine and I didn’t have the teeniest bit of FOMO. The more you practice these things, the more normal it will be without alcohol. I’m nearly 2 years sober (this month) and I truly can’t imagine ever drinking again. Like it holds no appeal for me at all. I would say that’s the case for 98% of the longer term sober people I know. You will get there. You just have to have faith it will happen until it does.

Also I’ve discovered there are some things I just find intolerable without drinking - bloody school fundraisers which are always very boozy and the school mum queen bees are very eye rolly with their trays of shots. I just don’t do them anymore. 😂 If it’s too miserable to do an activity because I need to be drunk to tolerate everyone, that’s my cue that it’s not for me. It’s very freeing to just say no.

In the shorter term, the strategy of playing the tape forward helped. You say you are someone who can’t just have one drink and leave it. So when you’re sitting at dinner with the menu open, imagine how you’ll feel in 12 hours, 8am, nauseous, anxious, full of regret that you did it again. I never want to feel like that again. It takes the shine off that glass of wine and I’ll very happily stick to an elderflower fizzy water or whatever. I feel very smug the next morning all fresh when everyone else is feeling like shit, to be completely honest!

This is so, so helpful
Thank you

I actually went out tonight to an event where pretty much everyone was drinking. I had an absolutely brilliant time and now home about to set my alarm for an early morning gym session knowing I won't be hungover. I guess i just...keep doing this?? Like you say thinking too far in advance. So will just keep getting through the next day and next event

OP posts:

YourMessOrMine · 04/04/2025 07:54

‘This is so, so helpful
Thank you
I actually went out tonight to an event where pretty much everyone was drinking. I had an absolutely brilliant time and now home about to set my alarm for an early morning gym session knowing I won't be hungover. I guess i just...keep doing this?? Like you say thinking too far in advance. So will just keep getting through the next day and next event’

This is exactly what to do, recognise that you do enjoy yourself without alcohol at those events, appreciate the extra time for the gym the next day - I think it’s important to acknowledge these things to yourself so you reframe your thinking ready for the next event. For me I love the freedom of having the car to leave whenever I want instead of walking miles home or waiting for expensive taxis.

I like having something nice to drink so I spent a lot of time in supermarkets browsing the AF lines then sampling at home - after a lot of awful stuff was poured down the sink I’ve found a few things I like so even at home when I feel like a treat I pour myself something into a wine or cocktail glass and because I’m getting the taste I like I don’t miss the alcohol content at all.

Original poster

HorrorFan81 · 04/04/2025 08:12

YourMessOrMine · 04/04/2025 07:54

‘This is so, so helpful
Thank you
I actually went out tonight to an event where pretty much everyone was drinking. I had an absolutely brilliant time and now home about to set my alarm for an early morning gym session knowing I won't be hungover. I guess i just...keep doing this?? Like you say thinking too far in advance. So will just keep getting through the next day and next event’

This is exactly what to do, recognise that you do enjoy yourself without alcohol at those events, appreciate the extra time for the gym the next day - I think it’s important to acknowledge these things to yourself so you reframe your thinking ready for the next event. For me I love the freedom of having the car to leave whenever I want instead of walking miles home or waiting for expensive taxis.

I like having something nice to drink so I spent a lot of time in supermarkets browsing the AF lines then sampling at home - after a lot of awful stuff was poured down the sink I’ve found a few things I like so even at home when I feel like a treat I pour myself something into a wine or cocktail glass and because I’m getting the taste I like I don’t miss the alcohol content at all.

Any AF recommendations?

I have an AF gin and tequila (i love a margarita) which are decent

OP posts:

TaupeMember · 04/04/2025 08:47

mindutopia · 03/04/2025 19:22

The first thing I’d say is don’t think about the “but I’ll never”. Think about today and the next 100 days. It’s a bit like running a marathon or climbing a mountain, if you’ve ever done something like that. The first day or week you start training you absolutely cannot bloody imagine ever being able to run 26.2 miles.

And you’d be absolutely correct. You at that moment cannot run 26.2 miles. But with practice and consistency and seeing little wins and having people cheer you on and putting in the miles and taking care of your body and your mind along the way, in 6 months time, you will totally be able to run 26.2 miles. Because you prepared yourself for it.

I went away on a (very rare!) romantic weekend with Dh when I was 1 month sober. I’d never in my adult life been on a holiday without drinking (bar maybe a weekend camping when I was pregnant). We went out for nice dinners together. He had a glass or two of wine (he’s very sensible, can have a drink and switch to fizzy water unlike me). I had an AF beer or a mocktail.

We talked for hours! It was wonderful. I also actually enjoyed the lovely food in every course. We watched the sunset. We also got up early the next day and went walking feeling fresh. It blew my mind that actually it was completely fine and I didn’t have the teeniest bit of FOMO. The more you practice these things, the more normal it will be without alcohol. I’m nearly 2 years sober (this month) and I truly can’t imagine ever drinking again. Like it holds no appeal for me at all. I would say that’s the case for 98% of the longer term sober people I know. You will get there. You just have to have faith it will happen until it does.

Also I’ve discovered there are some things I just find intolerable without drinking - bloody school fundraisers which are always very boozy and the school mum queen bees are very eye rolly with their trays of shots. I just don’t do them anymore. 😂 If it’s too miserable to do an activity because I need to be drunk to tolerate everyone, that’s my cue that it’s not for me. It’s very freeing to just say no.

In the shorter term, the strategy of playing the tape forward helped. You say you are someone who can’t just have one drink and leave it. So when you’re sitting at dinner with the menu open, imagine how you’ll feel in 12 hours, 8am, nauseous, anxious, full of regret that you did it again. I never want to feel like that again. It takes the shine off that glass of wine and I’ll very happily stick to an elderflower fizzy water or whatever. I feel very smug the next morning all fresh when everyone else is feeling like shit, to be completely honest!

What a great post

Original poster

HorrorFan81 · 04/04/2025 10:43

TaupeMember · 04/04/2025 08:47

What a great post

Show quote history

Its so good. I've actually saved it to read again as its really helped me

I got up early this morning, smashed out a heavy weights session and 2 miles on the treadmill- wouldn't have managed that if I had been drinking last night

It was so interesting to see everyone getting louder and drunker as the night wore on. Other than pregnancy I have NEVER been the sober one in the room and I really thought id hate it but it was absolutely fine.

OP posts:

Cunningfungus · 04/04/2025 10:52

HorrorFan81 · 04/04/2025 08:12

Any AF recommendations?

I have an AF gin and tequila (i love a margarita) which are decent

Show quote history

I love the Three Spirit nightcap - gives you a teeny bit of a burn/warm feeling like alcohol. You can only get it online. That’s my go to after work now rather than red wine.

Their wines are absolutely disgusting though lol (in my opinion) - £50 down the sink!

They also do other drinks and their naff ads on insta show folk “getting tipsy” on them - they are ok (the social and the livener) but not worth the money for me as a none-and-tonic from Tesco is just as good for. Long drink at a BBQ or in the garden etc.

Original poster

HorrorFan81 · 04/04/2025 13:57

Cunningfungus · 04/04/2025 10:52

I love the Three Spirit nightcap - gives you a teeny bit of a burn/warm feeling like alcohol. You can only get it online. That’s my go to after work now rather than red wine.

Their wines are absolutely disgusting though lol (in my opinion) - £50 down the sink!

They also do other drinks and their naff ads on insta show folk “getting tipsy” on them - they are ok (the social and the livener) but not worth the money for me as a none-and-tonic from Tesco is just as good for. Long drink at a BBQ or in the garden etc.

Show quote history

Thanks thanks really helpful. I've seen them advertised but they are quite pricey and good to get a recommendation

OP posts:

Cunningfungus · 04/04/2025 17:32

HorrorFan81 · 04/04/2025 13:57

Thanks thanks really helpful. I've seen them advertised but they are quite pricey and good to get a recommendation

Show quote history

Yeah they are - that’s why I only buy the nightcap one - still cheaper than the gallons of wine I was getting through but it’s hard getting your head round paying so much for AF stuff!!

FusionChefGeoff · 04/04/2025 22:09

Play the tape forward….

Was it really just a cocktail watching the sunset? Or was I the start of a horrendous night when you ended up having an argument and storming off into the dark in your own??

did you really just enjoy one glass of wine over dinner? Or were you slinging it back whilst you were cooking, didn’t really enjoy the food and then ended up missing the ending of a film you were supposed to be watching together and passing out in your chair?

Original poster

HorrorFan81 · 05/04/2025 13:03

FusionChefGeoff · 04/04/2025 22:09

Play the tape forward….

Was it really just a cocktail watching the sunset? Or was I the start of a horrendous night when you ended up having an argument and storming off into the dark in your own??

did you really just enjoy one glass of wine over dinner? Or were you slinging it back whilst you were cooking, didn’t really enjoy the food and then ended up missing the ending of a film you were supposed to be watching together and passing out in your chair?

Thanks. I guess part of the 'problem' and the reason its taken so long to admit i need to stop is that I dont meet the stereotypes you mentioned - i never get angry or argumentative, there are never drunken fights, I wouldn't tend to sling back drinks whilst cooking then pass out etc. I am a happy, chatty drunk and almost all my memories of drinking are good ones - fun days with friends, long evenings with ny husband chatting over wine. There are very few memories of 'oh my god i behaved like an absolute idiot'

My main issue it just taking it that bit too far - having the extra drinks towards the end of the night when its really time to stop and going 'over a cliff' where I start slurring and become pretty useless. Its shit for my friends and husband to deal with me like that and obviously harmful for the kids if they were to see it. Its also become common for me to lose memory towards the end of the night which is v scary. I also check the next day if I did anything awful whilst I'm dealing with hangxiety and the usual response is 'no you were fine then suddenly it all hit you and you went floppy and took yourself off to bed'. But I know its ridiculous, and dangerous, to drink to that level and given that I cant seem to moderate and stop earlier I think my only option is to stop completely

OP posts:

YourMessOrMine · 05/04/2025 15:42

HorrorFan81 · 04/04/2025 08:12

Any AF recommendations?

I have an AF gin and tequila (i love a margarita) which are decent

Show quote history

Stay away from anything pretending to be red wine

White wine depends a bit on what you like drinking, I’m not a big fan of the AF ones but MostWanted do a zero white wine spritzer can which I quite like (they also do normal wine in cans so need to get the right one)

Kylie pink AF prosecco tastes like normal Prosecco to me and I’m quite happy to drink it, the Frexinet ones are fine as well. Some other are awfully sweet.

Ciders - Thatchers zero, Old Mout pineapple and raspberry.
Lager - Asahi 0 or Becks Blue are not bad.

I think the secret is having them all very cold, they taste better that way.

Also anything with ginger in it is less sweet, more grown up tasting. Fever tree ginger ale on its own is one of my current favourites.
Or add mint to a mocktail with your zero gin, again tastes more interesting.

Verraten · 18/04/2025 16:11

You ask for reading material that helped - I just read The Off Switch by Anna Charles about a week ago and I'm putting it into practice. I liked the book becuase for once it was SHORT and doesn't give 101 reasons why drinking is bad and how alcohol is bad. It's very practical. Well I'm enjoying it. Recommended.

FusionChefGeoff · 19/04/2025 10:09

OK so you’re not argumentative - but you still need to play your own tape forward and stop minimising the outcomes of your drinking. In the next breath in reply to my post you describe a pretty pathetic drunk - slurring, pretty useless, going too far, over a cliff, no memory of what happened, it’s shit for friends and husband…

No one wakes up one day and decides to start pouring special brew on their cornflakes - but graduallly the pathetic behaviour gets more common, the outcomes get more serious and the ‘normal’ nice drinks tend to fade away.

If you don’t have an off switch, then you have no idea where a single drink will take you. If you can’t remember what you are doing, you could put yourself in danger, you could put your kids in danger. One drink is never just that.

Original poster

HorrorFan81 · 19/04/2025 14:15

Verraten · 18/04/2025 16:11

You ask for reading material that helped - I just read The Off Switch by Anna Charles about a week ago and I'm putting it into practice. I liked the book becuase for once it was SHORT and doesn't give 101 reasons why drinking is bad and how alcohol is bad. It's very practical. Well I'm enjoying it. Recommended.

Thanks for this I'll check it out. Currently listening to the Sober Powered podcast and enjoying that - very science/psychology focused

OP posts:

Original poster

HorrorFan81 · 19/04/2025 14:17

FusionChefGeoff · 19/04/2025 10:09

OK so you’re not argumentative - but you still need to play your own tape forward and stop minimising the outcomes of your drinking. In the next breath in reply to my post you describe a pretty pathetic drunk - slurring, pretty useless, going too far, over a cliff, no memory of what happened, it’s shit for friends and husband…

No one wakes up one day and decides to start pouring special brew on their cornflakes - but graduallly the pathetic behaviour gets more common, the outcomes get more serious and the ‘normal’ nice drinks tend to fade away.

If you don’t have an off switch, then you have no idea where a single drink will take you. If you can’t remember what you are doing, you could put yourself in danger, you could put your kids in danger. One drink is never just that.

I totally agree about one drink never being just that and the end result more often than not, is not acceptable behaviour. Haven't had a drink in 9 weeks now and feeling good

OP posts: