DH no longer drinking - struggling with my feelings

[lurchermummy]

DH has struggled with alcohol for years, it’s been very difficult over the years. Now aged 63 he’s stopped - he is part of an online support group and it’s really helping. He’s going to the gym and eating healthy. I should be pleased - but I’m just feeling really flat - feels like all the fun has been sucked out of life. Even though I hated his drinking - I also miss it in a way. Anyone else relate? Finding it hard to unpick this.

I think it’s hard when you are used to anything. It’s been a part of your life for so long it is your normal. I’d genuinely suggest some counselling to unpick your issues on this. It’s not the same but many victims of abuse are often on tenterhooks waiting for it to restart. Do you feel like you are having that kind of, stress fuelled, response?

Did you drink with him. If so it's a change in lifestyle

"AA for friends and families of alcoholics" , the meetings or the book might help.

Addicts often transfer their addictive pattern to something else, maybe gym or fitness or helping other addicts to accept their addiction. They can go from their drinking being the driver of all behaviours, the highs and the lows, to self analysis and self care being the new focus. It's understandable to miss the previous patterns, because parts of it were fun and sociable and it was also familiar. You knew your role, you knew the dance you had to dance to enable him.

The new reality is less turbulent and more analytical. The new normal might be more boring, until you let go of your previous role and find a new focus.

Time for you to engage in self care, and to fill your spare time with your hobbies (not his drinking or caring for him).

Thanks - I wouldn’t say he’s being obsessive about the gym but it’s definitely a coping strategy for him. Yes I think it’s the new normal - it’s just a bit…dull. And yes if I’m honest he’s a bit dull too. We’ve had a very difficult few years with a one thing and another and finances are tight, there’s not much to look forward to. DH suffers from depression which the alcohol provided a (temporary) respite from, I guess he doesn’t have that now so is feeling the brunt of it.

Is it the alcohol, or the pub culture, going out etc you miss?

Do you feel excluded from his new life?

I totally understand. My husband struggles with his weight. As relieved as I am when he goes on a diet, it means no evenings out and dinnertime involves miserable enough meals. His mood is never the best either.

Do you not socialise away from him? If I relied on my DH for fun it would be a pretty barren life. I’m the organiser of events and the “ ticket buyer”. I’m also the one with all the friends so I like to have a consistent flow of things to look forward to.

@Gundogday thanks, I can't say I feel excluded, his new life is pretty dull, things like going to the gym etc I do anyway. He was never much of a pub goer, more drinking at home.

@Divebar2021 neither of us go out that much mostly due to lack of funds, but I do see my own friends and have a girls weekend away occasionally. We do see friends together now and again as well and it's nice when we do, we had friends over for lunch today and ad soft drinks, no body missed having wine - I guess we could try and find more ways of doing things socially that don't involve alcohol.

I do get it, it’s hard to adjust to change as it is fun to drink and get silly, we’ve given up drinking in the week and we’re alcohol free on Saturday and Sunday this week too as we had things on, I guess it’s just getting used to a new normal etc as others have said, I find I get SO much more done when I don’t have the hangover and we actually have a nice time! We go out and do things on a Saturday etc instead of nursing each other through hangovers!

week day eves used to be a bottle of wine each, then dinner about 9, going to bed full bad sleep, house a bit messy, now that’s gone we plan and watch fun stuff on Netflix and crime dramas, nice to really get into something and have dishwasher on and relaxed at bed times! We still enjoy drinking nights, I think it’s a balance!

I also recommend getting into the exercise too! I try and do something bouncy each day, either a step video online, or a good walk, the difference is amazing and we’ve both lost weight!

A lot of people who have relationships with people with drinking problems do so because for them a certain level of dysfunction feels normal and safe. This might come from childhood (what were your parents like?) or just be something you slid into as an adult. It’s actually why partners so often sabotage sobriety or are the last to fully be on board once the problem drinker needs to get sober. People get addicted to the highs and lows and the enabling as much as the alcoholic gets addicted to alcohol. When it all stops, well, life feels very blah. It does for the drinker, but it will for you too. It’s not your normal.

I’m assuming your Dh is still early ish in sobriety and from a mental health perspective, it will take time for his moods to level out. I found the first 3 months particularly challenging. But if neither of you drink now, or at least you don’t feel like you need to drink around him, that makes life so much easier for everyone. I didn’t realise until I stopped drinking how much life had been planned around doing it. Now we can literally do anything with none of those restrictions of getting to the pub before it closes, or the shop, or making sure we bought enough wine for the weekend, or needing a taxi.

Especially if you are both physically fit enough to be active you can do all sorts of exciting things. I’ve discovered I love the cinema. And there are some great classes - yoga, I go to a sound bath sometimes - on an evening when I might have been drinking. One thing I did early on was train for a sports event and plan a small weekend break (which was fab, because I could focus on planning things that didn’t involve drinking, I’d never had a holiday like that before, turns out there are all kinds of people who go on holiday and get up early and go cycling and watch the sunrise and aren’t drinking wine til 2am 😂 I didn’t realise people did those things). It helped me in my sobriety, but it might help you in this transition as well because it’s almost an equally big change for you.