How to cope with my mum

[Anonymous2003]

Long story short my mum has always had a drink problem which has created issues in the family but she has never addressed it, thinks it's hilarious and laughs it off. She holds down a full time job but especially since living alone she drinks almost every night, always wine. Always has an excuse, "I've had a long day at work" (it's Monday), or on Wednesday "it's hump day". I have asked her a couple of times recently not to drink when I visit and she will comply, but last week was the first time she was clearly drunk but tried to hide it. She had a non-alcoholic drink with dinner and had hidden her wine glass and bottle. I hate being around her when she drinks. Even one glass of wine has an effect on her and she is just so bloody annoying, can't have a proper conversation with her etc. I am due to visit her tonight and everytime I visit and see a glass of wine poured my heart sinks. I am considering texting her that I have been so worried and really don't want her to drink during my visits. But then again it's so hard and uncomfortable. I worry about her health, my future relationship with her and even my future children's relationship with her.

As someone who was that mum (though my children, I assume are younger than you), I’m so sorry you are going through this. What I would do is be honest with her in a non-judgmental way about how worried you are about her drinking and how afraid you are that it’s going to affect her health and you will lose her. Tell her about your heart sinking when you see her pour a glass of wine. And how much you enjoy doing things with her when she’s completely sober. You might write it down first, but do have an actual face to face conversation. It’s one of the best things my husband did for me.

But also don’t give up if she doesn’t completely change everything the next day. The point from when I first knew I had a drinking problem and needed to stop to when I got sober was about 2 years. It was probably 9 months from the first time my husband talked to me about, and maybe 4-5 months from the big sit down conversation. It doesn’t just happen the next day. Sometimes it does! But often people need to wrap their head around it. Find support and resources. Figure out how the hell they’re going to do it, etc. It’s a process. Keep it an open conversation.

I'd send that text, but rather than framing it as a demand, you could make it more about your feelings:
"Mum, I love spending time with you, but I need to be honest: when you drink, even just a little, it really affects me, and I struggle to enjoy our time together. It’s been on my mind a lot, and I’m genuinely worried about your health too. When I visit, could we have that time alcohol-free? I’d really appreciate it."
This keeps the focus on how you feel rather than making her feel attacked, which might make her more open to listening.

It doesn't sound like she is at the stage where she is able to accept help for her drinking problem right now, so all you can do is protect your peace. If visiting her when she drinks is too upsetting, it’s OK to take a step back. You can still love and support her without putting yourself in situations that hurt you or your children.

You might also want to explore support groups like Al-Anon, which is specifically for people affected by a loved one’s drinking. This really helped me as a young adult understand and manage my feelings around my father's alcoholism.

I sent her a text similiar to the PP's example, this was her response:
Awe don't say it like that. You make it sound like I have a problem lol
No need to be worried, promise xx

I replied saying I do think she has a problem, that it is up to her to do anything about it should she ever, and that I care about her etc etc.
Going to see her soon with my brother.
And yes I know it shouldn't be a text conversation but I don't get much time alone with her and worry I would say the wrong thing in person or she would react very badly.

I wouldn’t feel worried about saying the wrong thing or anything like that. This is just the start of the conversation. It’s not like a one shot thing where you only get one chance. It’s starting to change her perception of how others see her drinking.

I absolutely bloody knew I had a drinking problem well before anyone ever said anything to me about it. But I thought no one else noticed. I’d be like your mum. I’d have a coke for lunch, but every time I ran to the kitchen during lunch, I’d down a glass of wine. I used to get a glass of wine for lunch out with family, but every time I’d go to the loo I’d swing by the bar, order a large glass and sit on the toilet in the pub drinking it. I once spilled a tea flask of wine all over my baby’s changing bag on a walk because I didn’t close it properly, which soaked all his stuff, the bottom of the pram, etc.

I totally thought no one noticed, but I’m absolutely sure now that they did. I can spot an alcoholic a mile away now that I’m sober. I know exactly which of my mum friends definitely had a bottle of wine before coming to the school fundraiser. But it was the dawning of the realisation that other people saw it too that got me out of my head and to the point of being ready for change. It will take time. You can set healthy boundaries (“let’s go for 9am coffee”) instead of anything where alcohol would normally be involved. It will take time. Just keep talking about it. Alcohol problems thrive in the shadows. It’s bringing it out into the light that can help start the healing.

@mindutopia thank you. I have my suspicions when I'm at her house that she has a drink in her bedroom everytime she 'goes to the loo' as she seems too drunk compared to what she's drank in front of me. You sound like you have a lot of helpful knowledge

Just updating this thread for someone to listen... I'm at her house currently. She isn't drunk but has clearly had a drink or two and again has hidden the evidence. I can tell instantly from her voice and laugh and way of speech that she's been drinking and I suspect she may be sneaking into her bedroom for a swig here and there. I don't want to say anything in front of my brother but we both aren't stupid.. I genuinely think that she thinks she comes across as totally sober. Feel like crying rn.

@Anonymous2003 I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. It’s heartbreaking to see someone you love stuck in that cycle. You’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to feel like crying - it’s okay to grieve what you wish your relationship with your Mum could be.

Change with addiction can be painfully slow, but what you’ve said might plant a seed. The fact that she’s hiding it suggests, on some level, she knows it’s a problem. Like @mindutopia shared, that awareness is an important first step to overcoming the problem for her.

Does your brother share your concerns about her drinking? Has he ever told your Mum how it affects him? If he feels the same way, he might need to have a similar open-ended talk—something like, "I love you and support you, but this is how your drinking is impacting me."

Maybe you and your brother could also set a clear boundary together when you visit. If she drinks despite your request, you could say something like, "Mum, we love spending time with you, but we’re finding it really hard when we know you’ve been drinking. We want to have quality time together, and it’s difficult for us when this happens. We’re going to head off now, but we’d love to see you when you’re sober." Knowing there are consequences to her actions might nudge her toward seeking help, even if it takes time.

Yes, she's drinking on the sly. You can always tell.

Tell her calmly that you know she's hiding drink and she clearly has a real problem.

If she's drunk nasty simply leave. Repeat every time.

Detach with love.