For those that are/were functioning alcoholics

[BB49]

Is it true that you have to reach “rock bottom” before taking effective steps to sobriety? This has been said by a family member who has been going to AA for past years with continuous setbacks or falling off the wagon. Any moments of stress or depression seem to be triggers which are obviously unavoidable. Then there’s the hiding and lying about drinking.

It’s getting very exhausting for the family to continue to support. They feel lucky that they’ve managed to drink and function so far (all their adult life) without reaching “rock bottom” like a lot of recovering alcoholics have. But what about the ongoing destruction to the family and to trust? I think if they continue to think like this there is very little hope for recovery.

I don’t use the term “alcoholic” but I have alcohol use disorder.

The “rock bottom” term is a concept rather than a thing or event - people might say “my rock bottom was when I lost my job/drove drunk/was unfaithful” or whatever - but it just signifies the point when the person really realises they can’t go on as they are with alcohol destroying their lives.

It will be different for everyone and in my opinion, many will never reach that point - they will drink til they die despite having multiple events that other people might see as “rock bottom” events. So yes, there is very little hope of recovery for many people with alcohol use disorder. This is why those around them need to “detach with love” as per Al Anon advice.

I’m so ashamed of what I put my family through despite being sober for many months. I’m doing everything I can to stay sober but I still fear relapsing and losing it all. It will be years before any of us get over it.

I have come to hate the way alcohol is promoted in society despite it being an addictive toxin. I hope you and your family member can get through this but you need to protect yourself and not let it destroy your life ❤️

It was for me. I was a functioning alcoholic since the age of 30 - finally stopped drinking for good at 45. I was adamant up until that point that I wasn’t an alcoholic and as long as I could hold down my full time job then I didn’t have a problem. My poor husband, who I’ve been married to now for 35 years was beside himself, begged me to stop, get help, but I wouldn’t listen. Weekends were the worst - I’d be drinking vodka in secret from morning until I eventually passed out. I did the bare minimum at home - leaving 90% of life tasks to him. All I could think about was having a drink. I looked terrible, thin as a rake, grey puffy skin and my mental health was shot.

Finally, in 2016, I did something so horrifying when blind drunk that I nearly lost everything… my husband, home and life. I won’t share it - I’m too ashamed to, but it was nothing illegal - just absolutely disgusting. I still to this day can only remember snapshots of it as I was so out of it but it was enough. My husband sat me down and told me that he wouldn’t leave me but if he ever saw me with an alcoholic drink again, ever, then it would all be over and he meant it.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ve never touched it since. Stopping cold turkey was hard, probably dangerous given the levels I was drinking but after a couple of months the quality of my life was incredible compared to how I’d spent the last 15 years and I’ve never looked back.

I was a shit mother during those awful years and my relationship with my lovely, now adult daughter was damaged to an extent but that’s my own fault and nobody else’s and I can never take that back. It’s a constant reminder of how many of my best years I totally wasted as an awful drunk and I’m gutted that I could never see what I was doing to myself and my family.

Alcohol almost destroyed me - but it was my own fault and I’ve got nobody to blame but myself. I’ve now got a wonderful life with the man who I fell in love with when I was a teenager and who I put through so much over so many years, but him giving me that ultimatum saved me from what would probably death by now. I was drinking over 100 units of vodka a week.

Bottom line is, I wouldn’t have stopped until I hit rock bottom and I consider myself lucky that I did.

Thank you both for your input which is so helpful and very well done on giving it up.

I don’t really like the term ‘functioning alcoholic’ because I’m never really sure who is included in that category, but I assume I’d be who you’re thinking of, happily married, lovely children, beautiful home, big career but I was drinking 200 units a week for the last year before I quit.

No, I don’t really believe in the concept of rock bottom. I mean, sure some people definitely feel like they had one and that can be really empowering for them. I don’t think it’s necessary and I can’t really say that I had one, thoughI had lots of bad things happen over the years.

For me, it was simply coming to the end of the road for drinking. I knew if I carried on, I’d be dead in a few years. There was no way to continue drinking that quantity of alcohol and live a normal long life. I was simply finished and ready for a new life. I quit completely without formal help or detox. I don’t do AA, though I’ve been to AA meetings in the past, I do have some sober communities and friends I rely on for support. I’m coming up to 2 years sober next month, never had a relapse, never even really considered drinking again. When I was done, I was done.

Two things I’d say: the going advice is always to do AA. I personally don’t think AA is the right fit for a lot of people. If it is and it works for someone, that’s fab. But I think some people try to squeeze themselves into the structure of it and it’s not right. If AA isn’t working, there are other options. For women especially, I recommend Bee Sober. But there are others, including a lot of online sober support groups. You need other people to get sober. Not just seeing people at a meeting, but proper connection and support.

The other thing is you have to be ready. I think a lot of people get sober because they pissed off someone and that person gave them an ultimatum. So they go through the motions of going to meetings, abstaining, being “good” but we called these folks ‘dry drunks’. They may not be drinking, but they aren’t recovering either. I really believe that change has to come from the problem drinker themselves and they have to want it and they have to be ready. It’s not just about stopping doing one thing, it’s also about doing all the other things, living life that fills you up, creating a new life for yourself. That’s so much more important than just not drinking and is actually really hard for a lot of people. You have to want to change and you have to want that totally new life.

For me, no there's wasn't a 'rock bottom' (that doesn't mean to day there's not things I regret & feel shame about)

I'd just had enough. I was finally sick & tired of feeling sick & tired. I too, went cold turkey & did not go to AA. It wasn't for me & I don't want to derail the threads like others have recently with my opinion on the organisation.
I did however begin counselling (for trauma from many things, both as a child/teen & adult)
I also joined online sober communities. They have been invaluable to me. There are zooms as well as in person meet ups for those that want to.

I also don't consider myself an alcoholic, functioning or otherwise. I used alcohol to medicate some very painful things & now that I am unpicking/healing I don't.
Only 6 months into my sobriety but I wouldn't look back for all the money in the world!!

What did it for me was being diagnosed with high blood pressure, and knowing that drinking contributes to that.

i was literally harming myself. And if I carried on like that, I could die.

So I stopped. Changed my life and my diet and my mindset.

It’s early days yet, but it has been easier than I hoped. Fingers crossed that continues.