Alcoholic sister, what is best for her child?

[Peal4]

My sister is an alcoholic. She lost custody of her child who is now 6 a couple of years ago. Her ex has him full time.

My parents seem to think it's best to let her son see her when she's having a sober spell. These are supervised visits at my parent's house. These visits don't last long before she's back on the drink and the contact is suddenly withdrawn and her son is left wondering where mummy has gone again.

Anyone else been in this position?

I feel that long term, this is going to mess up her son more than not seeing her at all and I was just wondering what other people think?

Then she needs some other support/medical care to stay sober. She could die from alcohol otherwise.

Depending on where she's at with her addiction, being sober may actually be dangerous for her. Is she getting any professional support?

@CaptainFuture

I agree with you 100%.
I think my mum is thinking more about my sister almost clutching at straws that seeing him sometimes might somehow fix her.

Yes. She has lots of help from professionals.

The chances are she will never finish with alcohol and be ready to be a parent.

The question is how to minimise the impact of her choices and illness on her child.

My experience is that occasional supervised contact can be a positive for the child.

That is understandable but not realistic, sadly.

The adults need to try to take their emotions out of it, and be as matter of fact as possible.

Thanks for your reply.

I agree that it's unlikely she'll ever get over this and everyone just has to figure out how to minimise the damage to her son.

It's so hard.

Yes, it is very difficult. Sometimes there's no 'right' answer, just the least wrong.

And what is 'least wrong' might change over time.

It sounds like your nephew has a secure, reliable family base. It is very sad his mother isn't a significant part of that.

Thanks 🙏

This is exactly it. Having an alcoholic in your life often leaves you having to choose the least shitty of a bunch of really shitty options. There is no good choice, just the least worst.

The mother of my children was an alcoholic. Social services recommended that she have contact when she was sober, which was sporadic. She'd go for weeks, sometimes months, keeping to the contact schedule then she'd drop off the face of the earth again. It was very rough on my DCs. She'd make a big deal about when she'd be seeing them again and making big promises about what they'd all do together the next time she saw them and then she'd let them down again and again. It was heartbreaking to watch.

I'll be honest, I don't know if it would have been better or worse for them if I'd stopped contact entirely. Maybe it would have lessened the impact when she finally drank herself to death. Or maybe I didn't have the right to deny them at least some time with her. I'm not sure if legally I could even make that decision.

My DCs mother was a source of chaos and uncertainty in their lives. I couldn't change that because I couldn't fix her alcoholism. The best I could do was try really hard to be a source of calm and stability for them so that they had at least one person they felt they could rely on.

@HowardTJMoon

Your ex and your situation sounds identical to ours. Thank you so much for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it and I'll pass that on to my parents.

my ex husband is an alcoholic, we split when I was pregnant and he’s never lived with DD who is now 9. He lives far away in another European country. He sees her twice a year - supervised by me and his parents, for a few hours , if he is sober. He is in and out of rehab so it isn’t arranged far in advance. Occasional ( twice yearly perhaps) video chats also.
I think this sporadic contact is much better for DD than no contact at all - she used to get upset that her dad didn’t see her regularly ( from age 5 - 7 in particular as she saw other dads doing school pick up etc.
She is now at 9 rather matter of fact about him - I have never said anything negative . In the past she has been upset when visits have been cancelled because he’s unwell. She says she wishes other male family friends were her daddy and that he’s not a very good daddy and doesn’t make an effort to visit her or spend time playing with her. I think it’s best she knows him though and accepts the reality of the situation. His parents are much more consistent and interested. She knows he has poor health and that’s why she sees him so rarely. I think that’s enough of an explanation at this age. He hasn’t worked since before our divorce and now lives in supported living, reliant on benefits. He’s never going to get better but I just hope he lasts until she’s an adult.

What has helped is not telling DD plans of calls until he’s actually on the phone and visits until the week before ( they fly here or we fly there ) as then she’s not upset if plans changed

@Ambivalencethanks for taking the time to post.

What my parents seem to be doing is ramming in as much weekend contact as possible when she’s sober so he gets used to mum being at granny’s at the weekend, then it suddenly stops when she starts drinking again. This isn’t good for him. I think probably once a month maybe would be better maybe. I also don’t think they explain properly to him that mum is ill and it’s not his fault.

Crap situation all round but he’s definitely not alone.

@Peal4- it is very difficult. I’ve also had this problem of my ex husband wanting to have lots of contact and then disappearing for months on end (at one point we didn’t hear from him for 2 years! No apology, no explanation). It’s very hard on my daughter as there is no predictability or certainty when she will see him again. However it is not a normal parent child relationship - he has never parented her, he does not pay maintenance, he’s not in her “circle of trust”. It’s very good for the child they are in contact with other family members. At school each year my daughter is asked to draw a hand and label the 5 fingers with people she can trust (I believe this is a child protection thing) and she puts my siblings/ their spouses/ my mother - so I feel she has other parental figures and that’s really important.
i also don’t like the all or nothing approach or wanting loads of contact when sober and then disappearing. It’s got easier as DD has got older as she understands more about people being unwell and unable to travel. I’ve not told her that her father is an alcoholic but I have told her that he has health problems. I have lied and when he’s cancelled at the last minute said he can’t travel because he has Covid (I’m still using this line in desperation). I empathise to my daughter the people she does have in her life who she can depend on and she has an amazing father figure in my brother in law who along with my sister really are second parents to her - she sees them weekly and video chats a couple of times a week with them and I think this is very healthy.

We have guardianship of our granddaughter due to alcohol and substance abuse. One of the big tests children's services assessed was our ability to put the child before our daughter. If we had tried to have a foot in both camps we would most likely have failed the assessment and our GD may have been adopted. It is that important. Your dad's stress is possibly due in part to his loyalty to your sister whilst loving his grandchild. We had to totally separate ourselves and my base line thinking was, she is a Child and they are adults. It got easier after that. Can I also gently suggest every weekend is too much, our contact, court ordered, is once a month.

It's generally better for DC to know useless parents where it's safe to do so, than to build up a false hope and imagination of them. Especially at this age. I would be guided by him though and as soon as he asks not to see her respect that.

Wearyauldwuman - my message above was for you xx

It is really important that everyone around this child regularly reminds him that the reason his mum doesn't see him isn't anything to do with him, it's her. It's very easy for a child in that situation to think that his mum is avoiding him because there's something unlovable about him or that he's done something wrong. He needs frequent reminders that that's not true.

@WisePearlPoetthat’s very interesting about the assessment and the once a month. Thanks for that.

As I said, our contact was in the school holidays. If it fitted into other plans (I.e. mother was sober that morning).

Cramming in contact whenever possible makes it too much about the parent not the child.

A few times a year, recognising that the parent is failing to be consistent, is better for the child.

It is very sad for all involved. I think everyone would love for the parent to overcome their addiction and put their child first.

But that isn't realistic.

I'd seek help from a paediatric psychologist regarding best approach and what support the child is going to need in the future (whether contact continues or not).

It's a horrible situation - poor kid.

Thanks everyone. All really helpful replies.