Just found out that my boyfriend is an alcoholic

[BrianWankum]

So I've been seeing this bloke for a couple of years - we're long distance at the moment, don't live together but had been talking about it for the future, see him on average 3 weekends a month at mine or his. He's recently taken ill health retirement (a physical issue, not alcohol-related) which he hasn't even started to come to terms with. In fact 3 weeks ago I said I was going to have to step back from our relationship because he was so depressed and failing to address anything - said I would stay in touch and cheer him on, and if he started to sort his life out then we would see where we were. Talked to him most days, much less than normal, then couldn't get in touch with him over the weekend.

On Monday his teenager found him semi conscious, jaundiced, not making sense. He was admitted to hospital and is currently in ITU in an induced coma with liver failure and hepatic encephalopathy, on dialysis because his kidneys weren't working, on a ventilator. And I've found out that he's been a very dedicated alcoholic for over thirty years.

His parents and sibling knew bits from the past, not everything, didn't know things were still serious. Out of friends of his that I've spoken to, some knew nothing, some knew some of it. His kids knew. His ex wife bore the brunt of it and I've had a truly flabbergasting conversation with her today. I didn't know any of it. Yes there was sometimes erratic behaviour, but the explanation that he was secretly drinking heavily just never occurred to me.

I feel like an idiot, realising that he was drinking has explained a lot of little weird things, how did I never even think of it? And apart from his recent depression, we have had a lovely relationship, he's never been anything other than adoring towards me, and how do I try to reconcile that with the arsehole he used to be? (And still is being I guess by being drunk in front of his kids and so on.) Everyone who knew assumed I knew because it was so obvious to them 🤦‍♀️

I'm hoping he pulls through this, he might not. But if he does, he's got a long road ahead. I'm standing by my last words to him, that I can't be with him while he's like this (even though I didn't realise what 'this' was) and I guess whether I even want to stay in touch with him depends on him, and whether he can be honest.

But my mind is blown. I'm looking back and second guessing everything, wondering whether I was living in a parallel universe. Would be very interested to hear of similar experiences!

There’s no one more secretive than an alcoholic.
As it’s a bolt out of the blue you’re bound to be shocked — especially as health wise he sounds pretty far down the line. I’m not sure how he can come back from liver and kidney damage.
My ex husband was an alcoholic but coming from a non drinking family, and knowing the industry he was in ( journalism) I just thought he drank quite a bit, but then everyone around him seemed to. I had no idea there was social drinking and then there was constant drinking.
An alcoholic is different to a social drinker, there’s the psychological dependency and the physical dependency on alcohol. Mood shifts are an every day occurrence ime. I can imagine the abuse his wife suffered may well have been similar to the 5 years of shit I stupidly put up with.
Don’t beat yourself up, this disease was well established long before you met him, you can’t cure him, you can’t rescue him. Let the hospital do what they can but my advice would be to walk away.

You need to decide what you want now you know he's an alcoholic. Many alcoholics don't get raging drunk they top up throughout the day. That means they keep up a level of alcohol in their system which is why he may not have appeared drunk.

You've been in a long distance relationship and obviously don't know him very well. Alcoholics are very selfish and it's highly unlikely he'll stick to any agreements to stop unless he instigates it.

My advice is to get as far away from him as you can and stay away.

Well he died, so it's irrelevant now.

💐

Sorry for your loss but at least he died with you still loving him.

A future living with an alcoholic would have turned to hating him.

So sorry to hear this, it must be hard to come to terms with given you’d no idea. Hope you are coping 💐

So sorry to read your update. Thinking of you.

So sorry for your update.

My ex-h died of alcoholism after I divorced him, and my DMs are open if you ever need to chat. It's a complicated kind of grief that doesn't fit in any easy boxes. I hope you are able to look after yourself while you process it x

So very sorry for your loss OP. I had to leave my 2nd husband as his alcohol dependency fuelled DV and was insurmountable. Our 10yo found him already dead.

Please take time to grieve. Get some counselling. If you have a good relationship with the teen encourage them to as well.

Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Be kind to yourself.

So shocked to suddenly read this. I opened your thread because my ex was an alcoholic and died age 41 I guess I'm still trying to understand it all.
His death was very fast and a total shock too.

I'm so sorry.

It's all impossible to understand even nearly 3 years later. Don't beat yourself up trying to work it all out like I have. I don't think there's yet a fully understandable answer to addiction.

How terribly sad.

Alcoholism is such an a horrific, insidious condition.

I’m so sorry OP.

There is a Facebook group called BBSSI - you might find that helpful. (‘Bereaved by suicide / self-inflicted’).

This happened to me too. I can only echo the advice above, as all of the posters are correct, sadly.

Thank you @LividBoop @StMarie4me @toffeeappleturnip and I'm so sorry you've had similar experiences. Your poor child @StMarie4me .

I'm trying to choose to be grateful for the lovely two years we had. Obviously for his kids (there are two early 20s as well) it's more complicated as they've grown up with his drinking problem, and I don't know how easy it is for their mum to support them in this, so I will stay in touch with them if they allow it.

Don't beat yourself up, he is a functioning alcoholic and they can hold down jobs - sometimes high powered jobs - and a lot of people who work with them wouldn't have a clue. This was also a long distance relationship so no doubt he tamed the beast for the time he was with you so that his behaviour didn't raise any red flags.

I had a friend who was an alcoholic, a very charismatic and popular man and very talented in his chosen field. Acquaintances who saw him enjoying a glass of wine in the late afternoon - and he was very generous with alcohol - no doubt thought it was just that, a glass or two of wine. Those of us who knew him well knew that the wine would be followed later (when the acquaintances had left) by whisky, often a large part of a bottle of whisky. Eventually, his heart gave up and he died instantaneously. I have to be honest and say your friend's situation does not sound good. I wouldn't be too hard on him, he's obviously liked you enough to try to show the very best of himself; and alcoholism is such a horrible disease. I also wouldn't be hard on yourself either.

@AcquadiP you need to read the whole thread, not just the first post.

I’m so sorry OP

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP.

I've had two alcoholic partners. One died a few years ago (from alcohol-related issues). The other was pretty good at hiding it.

I'm glad you had a good two years - just because someone is an alcoholic doesn't mean there can't be love, happiness and good times.

But, ultimately, (and it's the nature of the addiction), there will be a lot of suffering for the people around them as you've been finding out.

Thinking of you... xx

Thanks for the tip, just seen the update.

I've just read your update, so sorry.