Tired of DH drinking

[hamsterno1]

I don't know what to do for the best.

DH drinks heavily every weekend and it's getting worse. It's got to the point where most Fridays and Saturdays he falls asleep/passes out on the sofa and comes to bed when it gets light.

In full disclosure, our child died. We are both struggling, and he is using alcohol to block it all out. It's been 4 years.

He refuses therapy.

I'm understanding, I genuinely am, but I don't want to live like this. I dread every weekend. I'm tired of going to bed on my own. I don't get any emotional support in return. I'm also broken.

I don't know what to do. I know I can't force him to stop but also feel like I'm enabling him by pretending this is normal and fine.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

That's incredibly sad, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband using alcohol to block it out isn't the answer and only he can stop that. How much is he drinking? Has he ever gone a weekend without? He really does need to get some support but the more you push the more it's likely to grate on him. Maybe come from a different angle, the health implications of drinking are indeed very serious and reminding him of that wouldn't be a bad idea.

No advice, don't know how anyone deals with that, you both have my extreme sympathy.

He did dry January (well most of it). And he went 3 weekends in November.

He knows he needs to stop and he is worried about his health/weight, but he won't accept any help.

Usually it's 2 bottles of wine. Sometimes 3 but I will have had a couple of glasses.

Then spirits after I have gone to bed but I have no idea how much.

I've given up trying to get him to come to bed.

We also have another teenager who is just getting to drinking age and I worry about that too.

Also the long term health implications aren't a concern to him. I don't think he's suicidal but certainly has no interest in living for a long time.

Firstly I'm so sorry that this happened to you both.

It does sound like he's able to control his drinking as he's keeping it to the weekends and did dry January. That's a really positive thing.

Maybe start there and encourage him to reduce the amount he's having at the weekend or bring it to one night per week instead.

He has always been a heavy drinker, his mother was too. His mother died young - not strictly from alcohol and cigarettes but certainly a factor.

He knows this so is very disciplined about week days because he knows that once he starts he can't stop.

So it's a pattern as much as anything. I've tried so hard to find other things to do on a Friday or Saturday because it's too hard for him to sit and watch a film etc without a drink.

How about you discuss the merits of an alcohol free home.
Your other child will be worrying that his Dad will die and leave them. Your other child will be feeling like they're not special enough for their Dad to give up the booze for.
Fill the space taken up with alcohol in your household with something vibrant, wholesome and new.
Sit down as a threesome and discuss.
A pet
Special recipes.
Camping.
Listen to your teenager.

Refuse to buy alcohol. Become a Master of Mocktails.

Your husband needs to take the fog of drunkedness from his brain and see his other child before they leave home - forever gone as well. You are losing an opportunity to live together in a joyful home. Your remaining child especially needs that.

His kids will have no Aunt/Uncle so you two will be extra needed in his extended family. Four years is long enough to neglect his teenager.

I don't buy alcohol, DH does.

I wish it was that easy.

We do discuss it as a family but I also don't want my child to think they have any role to play (and therefore responsibility) for their Dad's drinking.

You don't need to tell me how much they have already lost.

My heart goes out to you. My personal experience of this is that you cannot change him. He will only change when he wants to. You can change your life. Decide how you want you and your son to live and start doing that as best you can. Detach with love. I recommend Al-Anon Family Groups. You may not want/be able to go to a meeting but their literature and other resources are excellent, written by people who have lived with the same problems. They also have good resources for teens affected by a parents drinking.

It is nearly 20 years since my alcoholic (not my husband) died and there may now be resources other than Al-Anon.

I realise my comments won't appear to address the problem that you don't want to go to bed alone and he is opting out of family life with alcohol but you can and should stop enabling him and are right to not pretend to him or your son that this behaviour is normal or acceptable. The hard truth of the Al-Anon message is that we cannot change the alcoholic, cannot cure it, cannot control it. Only the alcoholic can do that.

For example, it will feel wrong to make arrangements to eg go out with your son to a film or other activity in the evening. But you can invite your husband and if he wants to stay at home drinking leave him to it. You don't say if he spends the days just hungover but again create the life you and your son would like to live, offer to include him and then leave him to it if he doesn't accept.

Thank you, that is really helpful.

I think that is what I'm trying to do. He is still in bed so I'm contemplating just going out for the morning. He expects me to keep him company but maybe I need to stop doing that.

I feel like there's a time limit on it. I'm not 'staying with him for the sake of our child' but once they leave home and it's just the two of us, or even as he gets older and spends less time at home, I want something more than what DH is currently giving.

Follow your instincts. Don’t put things off. Please start today. Make it clear, kindly, that if he expects you to keep him company he has to be company worth keeping. Hoping you get out and do something nice today.

edit to add, make the best life you can for and your son.

I’m so sorry you are in this painful situation.

Are you able to talk to your husband about how it makes you feel ? My drinking (which was also mainly - but not wholly- to escape from painful feelings) once reduced my husband to tears, and he told me that he was dreading Christmas with me. That alone wasn’t enough to make me stop, but it was a big factor, and I’m nearly 3 years sober now.

People Can argue with lots of things, but they can’t argue with how you feel

Discuss with your GP, and AA for friends and families of alcoholics. Buy the book, hand it to him.

Totally agree with PP. Don't hang around with him slumped on the sofa. Make plans to do lovely things and he can come or not - but you and DC do them anyway.
You should tell him you love him but loathe the heavy drinking.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It was a beautiful day today so I went for a really long walk with the dog.

I was gone a couple of hours and he was up by the time I gor back. Then I has plans this afternoon anyway.

But yes, I'm just going to do my own thing from now on.

He seems OK and is being very low key about any hangover so I think he is feeling embarrassed about it. I don't think he remembers me waking him up and telling him to get into bed.

I am so sorry you have lost your child. It must be incredibly painful for you all.

I'm just coming at the alcohol problem from another angle. You say he wants to lose weight. I was drinking half a bottle of wine or so every evening and really knew I had to stop. I know it's not a lot in the grand scheme of things but because it was happening most days the cumulative effect was really bad. I was also a few stone overweight.

I went on the weight loss injections and a completely unexpected side-effect was that I never gave alcohol a second thought. I've lost weight at about 1 lb per week and that's happened every week for several months. I haven't had a drink since the start of June.

I wonder whether you could say that you've heard the injections are good for stopping you wanting to eat too much. That's one of the things that they do, they make you feel full quickly and for longer. The other side effect though is that they affect the reward system in your brain, so you don't see food or, in my case, alcohol, as a treat. The injections have been very good for people who smoke a lot and who gamble as well.

I wonder whether if you went at it from that angle and didn't mention alcohol and didn't mention the fact it might help him stop drinking, which he would probably resist, you might be able to stop him from drinking that way. It is quite a common side-effect but it's not one that you hear much about. It's unlikely he would realise he was being injected for that reason. Just an idea. Everything sounds so painful for you and I thought it might help. 💐