Am I meant to keep quiet

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Hi,

My husband is a functioning alcoholic.

He's always drunk a lot but it's seriously got out of hand this in the last year. I suspect he's having occasional glasses of wine before work. The other day I came home at 10.40am and he'd had a glass of red wine.

Like all alcoholics he lies and says he hasn't, but the red wine had stained his lips.

I know our marriage is over, that I can't save him and my son and I need to leave - but that's easier said than done (our son is autistic, I don't work and I have no support). I have become full of anger and am now very shouty and have started to see a therapist to help me.

My question really is - am I meant to keep quiet about his drinking? Am I meant to ignore the fact he's drinking in the morning and say nothing? Or that I know he drunk a further 1.5 bottles (in addition to the 2 before that) after I went to bed last night,

I feel like every time I shout at him for being drunk it may make him drink more but I can't ignore how frustrated I feel to be in this situation.

Does anyone have any advice for me please?

Thanks

Step MIL is a functioning alcoholic. It seems that her DH and everyone around would like us all to keep quiet and pretend she isn’t when she falls over at 6pm on a Sunday after a family roast.

I refuse - I consider her an alcoholic and refer to her as such.

Please leave for your DC’s sake. The reason I call it out is I do not want my DC to grow up thinking it’s normal.

he's an alcoholic. All alcoholics 'function' until they either recover or die.

labels aside, get out. Honestly, this won't get better. And save your breath arguing. My ex could have been pouring wine down her throat and still swore that it was an optical illusion and I was seeing things.

My question really is - am I meant to keep quiet about his drinking? Am I meant to ignore the fact he's drinking in the morning and say nothing? Or that I know he drunk a further 1.5 bottles (in addition to the 2 before that) after I went to bed last night,

I feel like every time I shout at him for being drunk it may make him drink more but I can't ignore how frustrated I feel to be in this situation.

It's not about keeping quiet and ignoring. It is about the fact that you shouting and getting angry won't make any difference to his behaviour.

Nothing you do will change your DHs behaviour.

You can't change it. You can't stop it happening. You can't control it. It's not your fault.

So maybe, not shouting or attempting to point the alcoholism out, saves your own mental anguish. Because you are in control of your own behaviour.

Focus your energy onto yourself and your son. I'd suggest you remove all emotional energy you expend away from your husband. Your anger won't achieve anything. You need to leave, focus on that.

You can't stop him. Nothing you do will change that. He's the only one who can make that decision, and it sounds like he's getting deeper into dependency. I doubt even an ultimatum from you will do it either. All you can do is protect yourself and your son, and no, you don't need to keep quiet about it.

He needs his driving licence removing from him, as he'll now be over the limit each time he drives. He's not a safe person to be in charge of your son on his own. You have decisions to make.

I'm very aware I have decisions to make which is why I am seeing a therapist. I need to get myself mentally in a better place before moving to next steps.

I can't just up sticks and leave as we have nowhere to go

I am also very aware I cannot leave our child with him as it's not safe.

I really feel for you. Have you spoken to your local housing association to see if they can help your and your DS escape what is essentially an abusive relationship?

On the financial side, do you claim DLA and Carer's Allowance?

Protect yourself and your son first.

I tried shouting, not shouting, everything with my alcoholic and previous posters are right, none of it makes a difference. You just get more worked up yourself.

Don’t let him drive: phone police or message DVLA if necessary. And don’t leave him with your son. It other than that, step away and make your own plans to get out.

It's okay, I wasn't having a go, I promise. I'm really glad that you've things in motion. I was more reinforcing and validating your thoughts. I wish you all good things.

What if you talked about it instead of shouting? I’m a recovering alcoholic. If Dh had shouted at me about my drinking, I would have just shut down and lied. I wasn’t drinking 3 bottles of wine a day because I wanted to be a jerk, but because I was in a lot of pain and not coping.

Now that doesn’t mean this is your problem to fix. It’s not. But Dh talking to me about how concerned he was about me, made a massive difference to me eventually getting sober. I knew I had support and someone who would have my back through it. And he’s done just that. The difference is that we had a happy marriage and I wasn’t a jerk without the alcohol messing everything up. If your relationship is fundamentally unhappy and if he’s always been a gaslighting knobhead, that’s entirely different.

But to answer your question, no I don’t think you should keep quiet, (a) it’s not your shame to carry and (b) bringing things into the light can be a step towards people sorting themselves out. Alcoholism thrives in secrecy. The only caveat is if you think your safety is at risk by talking about it.