I think I need a bit of help

[Doingthisforpickle]

My lovely 19 yo sat me down this evening and said I need to do a sober app with them. I fully admit I have been drinking too much for a long time to cope with 2 teenagers one hospitalised with anorexia but now recovering and the other is AuHDH and possibly EUPD and extremely hard work. My husband works away a lot so it's all on me. The weird thing is when things were really awful I was quite happily sober because I knew I had to be able to drive 20 miles to our local hospital at any point. My Dad has just been diagnosed with a terminal cancer and basically my life has disintegrated and I can't hold it together anymore. I definitely drink far above the weekly limit according to the NHS. Equally I regularly have nearly a week without booze so I'm not worried about withdrawal. I'm more worried about dealing with my life without the option of hiding in a bottle.

I'm sorry about your dad. I would make an appointment with your GP because it could be dangerous to just stop drinking. I would then join a support group such as AA.

You need to work out better ways of coping. If you're depressed then medication and therapy are an option.

Young Minds is a young person's mental health charity that has a good helpline you can call. Family Lives has a good helpline regarding finding support. Beat is an eating disorder charity with a good helpline. You can of course phone the Samaritans 24/7 if you need to talk.

Thank you for your reply. I live in a tiny rural community so can't go to the only AA meeting everyone would recognise me

Hi,

You sound like a lovely mum with a lovely daughter-it’s a real testament to your relationship that she feels she can be that open with you and express her concerns.

You also sound very self-aware and that you use alcohol as a coping mechanism. Often it’s not about the amount/frequency you drink, it’s the reason why you drink. If you’re honest with yourself, do you have a healthy relationship with alcohol? I think you probably know the answer already and the fact you’re posting on here is because you want to make a change.

I grew up with alcohol dependent parents. I tried to have the same conversation your daughter has had many, many times. It didn’t work and I live in a different city from my family as a result. They don’t know that’s the reason but I refuse to raise my daughter in the way I was-feeling second to a bottle of wine. You don’t want to look back with regrets. You sound like a loving, caring mum who has had to deal with a hell of a lot. Nows the time to show the love, care and compassion to yourself to get the help you need. I wish you the best of luck xx

You're welcome. Both AA and Smart Recovery have online meetings. Your GP will know of other support available.

Thank you for your lovely reply. It's the first time my DC has raised it with me and I want to make sure it's the last. I just feel really quite lost at the moment and worried about how I'm going to cope with what life is about to throw my way and I know escaping in to a bottle isn't the answer, but I'm not sure how else I'm going to cope. My batteries are flat. I'm totally exhausted and also extremely menopausal and a stiff drink is an easy answer which I have been doing unfortunately

How brave and lovely of your daughter to talk to you about this. And how brave of you to not get defensive and angry, but to reflect.

I used alcohol (plus anti depressants) as a coping mechanism for 3 very horrible years, and it got very, very messy. The problem with using alcohol like that is that you are on a downward spiral- it will only get worse.

I stopped drinking nearly 3 years ago. In some ways it was easier for me as most of the problems that were causing the drinking had gone away, so I was just left with alcohol as a problem!

The reality is that alcohol will be making your anxiety worse, making you more tired and less able to cope. It’s a really vicious combination with menopause.

It does help to have a support network when you stop drinking alcohol, but it doesn’t have to be AA or Smart. There is a very supportive thread on here for those who want to go alcohol free - I’ll link in a separate post.

It helps to develop a “toolkit” of alternative coping mechanisms- a good book, a bath, long walks, loud music, alcohol free drinks in a nice glass. I used to use an alcohol free drink in a wine glass to get over that initial evening hump. And lots of sugar.

Good luck

This is the thread I was talking about.

@Doingthisforpickle
Hi. Good for you in posting. I sounded very similar to you and last summer had a health scare problem and part of the investigation was how much alcohol was I drinking and it really brought home I was drinking to much and needed to cut down. As I needed to lose some weight as well I decided to just stop it. I didn't have any withdrawal either as I also had previously AF days but have when out socially used AF drinks, more for the social side of it.

What was nice was that when I went out with friends and met up, a fair few had also given up and I didn't face any of the judgment some do. I know one friend said their group had suggested delaying a get together until she was drinking again!! So saying she had given up totally resolved that.

I'm 6 months AF now. I have lost the weight I wanted to. If I'm honest, I can't say I've suddenly had these massive changes in how I feel or amazing sleep quality. Hasn't really changed but I do love not having the fag of getting taxis when we go out and friends love it as when we go for meals we go further and try restaurants we wouldn't have.

I think the health scare flicked a switch in me and I found it easy as I know going totally AF was my way of doing it without some deadline of looking forward to a drink in say 3 months.

My mentality is now I wouldn't want to drink as I would be scared of the hangover. Interesting is that it has also now affected my OH and he has cut down hugely as well which is good.

Sorry - links don’t seem to be working!

Honestly? Sounds to me like your backs against a wall here. It's not so much the alcohol but the stressful life you have found yourself in especially around your family. You say one is 19 and how old us the other? How long before they leave home do you think or will their conditions mean they are with you interminably?

You have been sober for years through necessity ( them) and regularly have a week off. So how much are you actually drinking? I'm not saying you don't drink too much but that to me yours sounds pretty manageable. Just as you say though, where are you going to get a bit of an out from home life instead?

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. It's very much appreciated. I have a lot to think about.

I would have thought they offer online meetings too?

I am so sorry your life is stressful and you are going through so much. I self medicated/rewarded myself with alcohol for years and years so I get it. I was a bottle of wine a night drinker, then it slowly crept up. It wasn’t a problem for me, until it started to become one. It feels like you need the alcohol to switch your brain off and to cope with everything but it is a literal poison that actually makes everything harder to deal with. I’m now 14 months sober and it’s the best thing I ever did. Not at all easy but I feel 💯 better both physically and mentally. I found so much support on the online sober community.

I can recommend the following for help and inspiration-
Books-
The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray
Alcohol Explained by William Porter
sober diaries by Clare Pooley
This Naked Mind Annie Grace

Podcasts
One For The Road -Sober Dave
They think it’s all Sober
Sobernsound
Janet Lee Graces -alcohol free life
over the influence
Soberful

I also follow lots of instagram pages for inspiration.

Just thought I'd update. I haven't had a drink since I posted and weirdly haven't missed it that much. It's like a switch has flipped in my head. I can't really explain it.

I know this Friday evening is going to be my danger zone so I've booked tickets with my DC to go and see a local youth drama performance in the next town which I have to drive to. Win, win. The DC's are delighted and I definitely can't drink. I'm actually quite looking forward to it.

Thank you all for your help and support

Really great to hear. Well done. That switch is a good indicator of your mental change

You can join any AA group online - those in the UK or elsewhere. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. Sending hope and best wishes.