Bottle of wine a day

[DustyLee123]

My DH has, for around the last 15 years, drunk a bottle of red wine every night. I said he’s an alcoholic, he said no, he’s reliant on alcohol. The only time he drinks more is the occasional G&T at Xmas, in fact there’s left over gin in the cupboard now that he’s not touched.
I just don’t know what to think. I don’t drink now due to peri, and I wonder if I’m being unreasonable as I think it’s pathetic. And then I think I’m bad for staying and letting our kids grow up seeing this.
It would be so much better for me to stay and just accept it, but I’m struggling.

Whether he defines that as an alcoholic or not, he has a problem relationship with alcohol and it is effecting your relationship so I'd say something has to change.

For context, I was a bottle of wine a day person, my husband told me that he wasn't happy - he wanted to support me for my health, our child's sake and for our relationship but if I didn't make a change, it would be the end for us. I haven't had a drink since that conversation - 16 months ago.

I'd have a serious discussion and honestly, in your shoes I'd end the relationship if he doesn't make some changes - I can't tell you how much better my life is now without alcohol but it did take having to face losing my relationship to face up to the problem I had.

Wishing you luck x

This can’t be healthy at all

Seems like he is using alcohol as an emotional crutch - it is quite remarkable that he has not gone beyond the one bottle a night because going by posts on here it starts with one but definitely increases as the years go by

Have you asked him if he wants to change? It’s likely he will need external support

I know many people who drink a bottle of wine a night and it’s perfectly normal for them and they are fine for work the next morning. I’m not saying it’s healthy but I don’t think it necessarily means alcoholic.

He doesn’t want to stop drinking, he doesn’t see it as a problem as he manages it.
If he has to get up very early, like for an early holiday flight, he can miss one night. And he occasionally leaves half a glass in the bottle, but 99% of the time it’s a bottle. I did wonder, as he’s not escalating and there can be alcohol in the house he doesn’t touch, if he’s not a true ‘alcoholic’.
Eitner way, I can’t stand it. And every time he gets a medical complaint, he won’t ever admit that it might be his drinking.

I love wine.

A bottle a day is a lot for anyone. I did that in my 20s and 30s. How old is he?

Does he have any other interests? Stuff he does in the evenings? I mean, drinking that every night will take up his time rather than doing anything interesting.

Is he getting tubby too with all those calories he's drinking? Perhaps he could be persuaded to visit a gym twice a week in the evenings?

It’s about 70 units of alcohol a week. The recommended limit for men is 21.

I don’t know if he’s an alcoholic, but he is seriously damaging his health at that level of drinking.
Does that not concern him at all?

@DustyLee123 “alcoholic” is an outdated, unhelpful and meaningless term. Addiction specialists/psychiatrists don’t use it anymore as it doesn’t have a definition and cannot be assessed or measured in any meaningful way. The medical term used now is people with Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) - and if your DH cannot go a night without drinking, he has AUD
(I also have/had AUD so I’m not judging).

People with AUD can hold down jobs, have periods of not drinking and generally be functioning members of society. But, this level of drinking will eventually catch up with him, if it hasn’t already.

Alcohol is a neurotoxin as well as having harmful effects on every system and cell of the body. It is simply not possible to drink a toxic substance on a regular basis and not be affected by it.

That aside, the issue here is your unhappiness with his drinking and his refusal to do something about it. It would be different if he was having say one drink a night or a bottle on a Saturday and nothing else (still not healthy but reasonable by most people’s standards). But his drinking is excessive and you will get more and more resentful about it and possibly come to despise him as it sounds like you’ve already lost respect for him.

I wonder if he is also drinking in secret. It would be extremely unusual for someone drinking at this level to not develop tolerance and need more alcohol to get the same effect. Secret drinking means he doesn’t need to drink the other stuff in the house and “proves” he doesn’t have a problem.

At the end of the day, I would say you would be justified in ending the marriage/leaving him. He is totally normalising this level of alcohol abuse and this will affect your DC being around this. He doesn’t need to be shouting and kicking off blind drunk to be a negative influence on DC - it’s more subtle than that. Simply, they will see hazardous drinking (because that’s what it is) as normal - probably even more so because he seems to”normal” with it, IYSWIM? I cannot undo the harm I’ve caused my DC by abusing alcohol and that guilt is with me 24/7. I’m doing everything I can to stay sober for life to try and repair at least some of the damage - I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it’s the biggest regret of my life.

Good luck @DustyLee123 💐❤️

Does it impact you beyond worrying about him? Ie his mood or behaviour?
I'm similar, I don't drink often and DH drinks every night - it's unattractive as he's often asleep on sofa or miserable but health wise I feel that's on him. I can't take responsibility for his health, he knows it's not good, although makes out like it's not much and as it's cider it's healthier (!)

resentful about it and possibly come to despise him as it sounds like you’ve already lost respect for him.

absolutely spot on, yes I feel resentment and have lost respect. I see him as weak and an addict. If he cared enough he’d do something about it. I once said that I wanted to split, he said he’d stop drinking, it lasted 4or 5 nights.

I thought cider was one of the worst things to drink excessively due to the acid content?

he must spend a lot of money on wine, over £200 a month. It’s definitely not good but I’m not sure how much you can do about it really.

I found out recently that he has a pint when he goes to the football, then drives home. Not illegal apparently, but definitely unattractive