I think my partner is a functioning alcoholic and I need advice

[queenie2025]

So my partner is a brilliant guy and we've been together almost three years and have lots of great memories together. The down side is that he's always liked a drink. He doesn't react much from it which is why I've not questioned it too much. He used to have a couple of beers a night in the evening, but he's been adding whiskey in the last few months. He has a very high tolerance, but the quantity of whiskey he is drinking every night really worries me. He's probably having around eight single measures a night. Two nights ago I stumbled upon his booze stash and he's been stocking up on large bottles of whiskey. Found three large bottles, which he told me he buys when I'm not there.

He had a mini stroke last year and had to spend a night in hospital. The doctors strongly encouraged him to change his lifestyle and so I've been trying to help with this. He has high blood pressure and high cholesterol and has recently been put on two new medications as his results aren't changing. He's now on six medications including blood thinners but still continues to drink. Whenever I try to talk to him nicely about it, he labels me a nag, which is really upsetting.

I've taken some time away to think about what I want going forward, but I can't help but feel guilty if I leave him, plus I'll be absolutely heart broken as I'm so in love with him. Everything else about him is great and he can get on with life as normal during the day, which is why I think he's functioning. He did tell me that he's using alcohol to cope at the moment because he was made redundant in December last year. I just find it sad that he doesn't come to me or go to the doctors together to get help. I understand though, that he has to want to change for himself and not just for me.

I really don't want to leave him, but I don't feel that I should just sit by and watch him drink every night knowing that its gonna seriously impact his health.

Nice and constructive advice needed.

I'm really sorry, but if he isn't listening to you nothing is going to change, he has to want to change for himself. Find yourself an Al Anon group if you need to but sadly leaving is really the only thing you can do to protect yourself from a miserable future.

al-anonuk.org.uk/who-is-it-for/#:~:text=Supporting%20the%20immediate%20family&text=Al%2DAnon%20meetings%20are%20a,to%20talk%2C%20that's%20OK%20too.

It's easier if you live separately as you can back off slowly, it isn't your job to support him, you can only help those who want to help themselves.

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

He is an alcoholic and only he can decide to do anything about it. You should join Al-anon as advised above and think very carefully about whether you want to spend your life with him. The drinking will only get worse unless he takes positive action.

This. You cannot have children. You should not marry and tie yourself to an addict financially. If you were married with kids it might be different but since youre not, why choose this?

Thank you for the responses. I just needed to know that I wasn't being unreasonable in my thinking. I understand that it has to come from him and the heartbreak will only get worse the longer I leave it. Its just gonna be really hard I suppose.

You can lead a horse to water, and all that.

@queenie2025 I am currently sober for a while after developing a bad habit with alcohol. Like your DP, my tolerance grew so it was taking more and more to get a buzz/get me over to sleep. In fact tolerance is a key feature of an alcohol abuse problem.

As others have said, his drinking will only get worse unless he takes serious action. Once people cross the line over to dependency, it is almost impossible to go back to drinking in moderation owing to the changes alcohol causes in the brain.

I am lucky that I still have my family but if my drinking had got worse, I could have potentially lost everything so I’ve stopped completely and I’m doing everything I can to stay alcohol free.

Sadly your DP sounds like he is not ready to even consider stopping - deflecting by calling you a nag is typical of the excuses addicts will come up with to justify their drinking.

I think you are heading towards a lifetime of misery and you should strongly consider leaving the relationship. If he really wants to stop, he needs to do it for himself ie with or without you by his side. I’d be honest with him and tell him you cannot continue with the relationship feeling the way you do. Don’t let him guilt you - it’s up to him to take control back. Good luck 💐

Unfortunately I agree. My experience, personal and also with a friend’s husband, is that it has to get very bad before they change. You’ll be told that alcoholism is a disease and so on, but all cures require the alcoholic to take responsibility for what they’re doing.

I'm so glad you recovered from your alcohol addiction and that you still have your family. Your advice is valid and has given me some more clarity. Thank you so much.

Its just such a difficult situation as everything else about him is brilliant and we've had some beautiful and amazing memories. We barely ever argue and the way he functions throughout the day is as though he doesn't drink. I think that's why I've put up with it for some long. It was only after his mini stroke six months ago that I've been worrying more. He doesn't care about his health and I need to think long term. I'm still only 31 and I don't want to sit around allowing him to poison his body like this. I'm genuinely scared its gonna cause him a full stroke or kill him. I'm fourteen years younger than him too and the prospect of him dying long before me terrifies me.

Its a difficult one, but I think I know that I'm gonna have to make a very difficult decision.

So sorry to read this OP.

You’re only 31 - do not wait around while he drinks himself into an early grave. It will change you in ways you don’t want. You deserve better than this. You cannot fix him, so don’t martyr yourself.

I learned this the hard way. You don’t have to.

And do not have children with him.

In the kindest possible way, how is he “functioning” if he has no job and he’s risking losing you by calling you a nag?

45 is young to have a mini stroke - if that hasn't woken him up to the danger he is in nothing will - it will only get worse. Life is too short to carry another adult - and they are all functioning until they aren't. I left my alcoholic husband - 10 years on I'm so glad I did that - you have to protect yourself

Hi OP. I definitely feel you here. I think I am also married to one. He drinks every day. Just a pint or two, but it is every day. I've not noticed any health problems except restless legs, but I have friends who have that also and don't really drink so I'm not sure if it is related.

I hate it too. He will go the odd day without a drink sometimes like when we are staying at my parents and there is no side effects. And he switched to non-alcoholic beer when we were trying for a baby, but he's back to the regular stuff now. It's really hard to know at what point he is an alcoholic. I have a pretty big daily coffee habit myself and it would be very hard for me to give it up, I think he feels the same way about beer as I do about coffee. I can't really decide what is fair to ask another adult to do or not do.

I grew up in a house where my parents only drank once a year at Christmas, whereas his mum has a glass of wine every evening in front of the telly, so I sometimes think its a difference in the way we were brought up and maybe its my perception that is the odd one.

Not sure what advice to give myself or you I'm afraid. My partner is a really wonderful involved husband with the kids. I wouldn't leave him over it, but the doubt does sit in the back of my mind.

Thank you for acknowledging this 😊

He was made redundant back in December, but he was in a very good position and has a lot of work experience therefore I'm confident he'll find a new job soon. I understand that not having a job can make one feel worthless, but I wish he dealt with his emotions healthily and not by drinking. I have bpd and have been self harm free for nearly three years as I've really worked on myself.

I hate being called a nag. Its such a cop out excuse.

What I mean by functioning is that he can get up early and go about his day and you'd never guess he drank, however his high tolerance is concerning. I've never minded him having a beer or two but since the decline in his health and the adding of whiskey to his drink routine every evening, its really worrying me.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Its definitely a hard one. Have you spoken to him about it?
Its much harder when you're married and have a child together, especially when you love everything else about them.

My ex hid the extent of his drinking until we had a child together. Then he became less secretive and I realised he was drinking maybe 90 units a week.

It got to the point I couldn't allow him to take ds anywhere in the car, I never knew if he was under the limit, couldn't trust to leave ds with him at all. He refused to stop drinking or even try, so ds & I left. I couldn't have ds growing up thinking that level of drinking is ok.

Don't let your partner put you in that situation.

@queenie2025 - my family would say the same about me - I’m great when I’m not drinking. High status “professional” job, high achiever, kind, funny - all round great person - except I wasn’t.

I was slowly destroying relationships, spoiling what should have been amazing experiences, causing endless stress and anxiety, missing deadlines at work/letting down colleagues. It was a slippery slope and getting worse. So I’ve stopped completely - I still don’t feel 100% secure in my sobriety- I know I need to stay vigilant and put the work in every day. Yeah it’s hard at times but it’s nothing compared to the worry and sadness I put my family and friends through.

Good luck ❤️💐

So happy for your sobriety. I understand that it must be challenging, but good on you! I'm always so happy to hear when people seek help and come through the other side.