Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Original poster

Wife of recovering alcoholic - Advice

9 replies

tyson2007 · 07/02/2025 11:58

My husband quit drinking 11 months ago, he is doing so well and regularly attends AA meetings etc....
My question is for people on either side of this journey (partners/ wife or someone who is themselves going through the sobriety journey).

My husband tells me that he does not mind me having a drink in front of him as his argument is that alcohol is part of every day life, on TV, on Adverts, supermarkets and social lives etc...... He actually gets upset if I tell him I'd rather not due to his situation as he says it's his problem to deal with and not mine.

I'd like to know what it's like for you? Have you given up drinking in front of them? Do you only drink when you're not with them?
I want to do right by him and I don't want ever want him to say I never supported him but I am just not sure if he is being honest with me and if it actually bothers him to see me having a drink.
For reference I only have 1 glass of wine on a weekend and buy the miniature bottles and most of the time try to hide it out of view lol!

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 07/02/2025 12:03

I wouldn’t at this stage, maybe further down the line but it’s early days for him.

LividBlah · 07/02/2025 12:11

I wouldn't have it in the house.

But then my view is clouded by the fact that my "recovering alcoholic" never actually recovered. I would stay very, very wary if I were you. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But keep your Fuck Off Fund topped up, especially if you have children. In thirty years feel free to hunt me down and say I was wrong.

Cunningfungus · 07/02/2025 12:34

@tyson2007 - your DH has made good progress so far and I can see that you want to “do right” by him.

I’m the problem drinker in our family. It never got crazy bad, but bad enough. I’m in two minds about this.

On the one hand, I’m like your DH- alcohol is everywhere therefore triggers and drinking cues are all around us, therefore I did not ask DH to stop but he stopped drinking red wine (my poison of choice) off his own back and he will usually have a beer in his bath where I don’t see it! He will also drink when we go out but he’s a very moderate drinker so it doesn’t bother me. I am not yet ready to do boozy meet ups with friends though.

BUT…on the other hand and perhaps at a sub conscious level, it contributes to the normalisation of consuming alcohol, essentially a drug, in society. We can’t relax/de-stress/have fun/celebrate/commiserate without it.

He is perhaps getting upset when you say you won’t as it’s a reminder that he is “faulty” in so much as he cannot drink alcohol “normally”. Even talking about it shines a light on his problem and probably makes him feel uncomfortable so I agree, he may not be being totally honest with you. I didn’t feel I could ask my DH or adult DC not to drink around me as I felt I’d caused them enough grief and they were entitled to have a drink if they wanted to. So I dunno, it’s complicated!!

If you really can take it or leave it, why bother? You don’t need to make a big statement- just have a cuppa and say you don’t fancy it tonight, maybe another night.

I would also add that the year mark-ish can be quite a difficult time in recovery. The “pink cloud” and joy of early sobriety has worn off but the brain has not yet fully recovered to find joy in “normal” things.

I recommend the free Sober Powered podcasts - Jill has a scientist background and explains the ways in which alcohol changes the structures and chemistry of our brains and why problem drinkers can get really strong cravings even months/years after quitting. You and your DH may find them helpful - certain ones have totally changed my mind set about drinking and dealing with cravings!

good luck 💐❤️

Original poster
tyson2007 · 07/02/2025 12:41

LividBlah · 07/02/2025 12:11

I wouldn't have it in the house.

But then my view is clouded by the fact that my "recovering alcoholic" never actually recovered. I would stay very, very wary if I were you. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But keep your Fuck Off Fund topped up, especially if you have children. In thirty years feel free to hunt me down and say I was wrong.

No I am a complete realist, I just take it day by day. I am fully supportive of him on this journey but I realise how venerable we all are in this situation. I also have my own small business so luckily I am not financially tied to him. I thank my Mum for always teaching me to be independent just in case relationships go wrong!

OP posts:
curious79 · 07/02/2025 12:48

What you’re describing of your behaviours sounds quite annoying. He has said don’t stop drinking on account of me but you’re being funny about it and you’re kind of putting a pressure on him in fact by being a bit secretive and with your miniature bottles. That would really put me on edge.

Given all the research coming out now that not even one glass of alcohol a week is good for you I think you either decide to go with your health or just have the occasional glass but don’t make a big song and dance about it. Have something really nice quality too otherwise what is the point.

My experience of my alcoholic ex is that he would find it no matter where it was. Me drinking or not had no bearing on his behaviours.

Helping him by making it not even be part of the conversation. My ex wouldn’t go to AA so thank your blessings there.

Original poster
tyson2007 · 07/02/2025 12:49

Cunningfungus · 07/02/2025 12:34

@tyson2007 - your DH has made good progress so far and I can see that you want to “do right” by him.

I’m the problem drinker in our family. It never got crazy bad, but bad enough. I’m in two minds about this.

On the one hand, I’m like your DH- alcohol is everywhere therefore triggers and drinking cues are all around us, therefore I did not ask DH to stop but he stopped drinking red wine (my poison of choice) off his own back and he will usually have a beer in his bath where I don’t see it! He will also drink when we go out but he’s a very moderate drinker so it doesn’t bother me. I am not yet ready to do boozy meet ups with friends though.

BUT…on the other hand and perhaps at a sub conscious level, it contributes to the normalisation of consuming alcohol, essentially a drug, in society. We can’t relax/de-stress/have fun/celebrate/commiserate without it.

He is perhaps getting upset when you say you won’t as it’s a reminder that he is “faulty” in so much as he cannot drink alcohol “normally”. Even talking about it shines a light on his problem and probably makes him feel uncomfortable so I agree, he may not be being totally honest with you. I didn’t feel I could ask my DH or adult DC not to drink around me as I felt I’d caused them enough grief and they were entitled to have a drink if they wanted to. So I dunno, it’s complicated!!

If you really can take it or leave it, why bother? You don’t need to make a big statement- just have a cuppa and say you don’t fancy it tonight, maybe another night.

I would also add that the year mark-ish can be quite a difficult time in recovery. The “pink cloud” and joy of early sobriety has worn off but the brain has not yet fully recovered to find joy in “normal” things.

I recommend the free Sober Powered podcasts - Jill has a scientist background and explains the ways in which alcohol changes the structures and chemistry of our brains and why problem drinkers can get really strong cravings even months/years after quitting. You and your DH may find them helpful - certain ones have totally changed my mind set about drinking and dealing with cravings!

good luck 💐❤️

Thank you for your in depth reply, I really appreciate it. I did think it may be a bit of a grey area. I always lean toward the fact of why make him uncomfortable if I don't need to which is why I very rarely do it,. I was never a big drinker anyway and 9/10 I was the driver so it isn't a biggie for me to not have it.

And as you say he is also feeling guilty for putting us through everything.
I will check out those podcasts thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
tyson2007 · 07/02/2025 12:58

curious79 · 07/02/2025 12:48

What you’re describing of your behaviours sounds quite annoying. He has said don’t stop drinking on account of me but you’re being funny about it and you’re kind of putting a pressure on him in fact by being a bit secretive and with your miniature bottles. That would really put me on edge.

Given all the research coming out now that not even one glass of alcohol a week is good for you I think you either decide to go with your health or just have the occasional glass but don’t make a big song and dance about it. Have something really nice quality too otherwise what is the point.

My experience of my alcoholic ex is that he would find it no matter where it was. Me drinking or not had no bearing on his behaviours.

Helping him by making it not even be part of the conversation. My ex wouldn’t go to AA so thank your blessings there.

Thank you for replying. I wish these moments in life came with a manual! We are not long into this and I am trying to do my best by him, some things I may not get right but I do agree, If I do decide to have one I shouldn't try to be sneaky about it. I was just trying to not make him feel bad.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 08/02/2025 21:33

I’m nearly 2 years sober. I don’t mind other people having a drink or two in front of me. Never have, even at the start.

What does bother me is when people act ridiculous when they drink. Drinking does change people’s behaviour, even 2 drinks and there is a noticeable difference. People get a lot more moody or on edge or bitch about others. Dh, for example, is much more short tempered with the dc after a drink or 2 (even though he drinks very sensibly and doesn’t have a drinking problem).

I think it would really annoy me though if people didn’t drink around me because they thought I was some sort of ticking relapse time bomb. I think if your Dh says it’s fine, it’s fine, as long as you don’t get sloppy or angry when you drink, which it sounds like you don’t!

I think the sneaking around and hiding it is an issue. That’s very alcoholic behaviour. We’re very good at doing it out of view, buying the singles to sneak into a glass, etc. Just be normal about it and make it not a big deal or stick to only drinking when you go out for a meal if you wouldn’t finish a full bottle at home.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 09/02/2025 10:50

@Cunningfungus
I love Sober powered. Gill is awesome.
hi OP,
I can't drink as I developed an allergic reaction to it. Not surprising as it is a toxin!
My other half is into year 2 of recovery. As I don't drink its not an issue at home but there are places we don't go now because of the associations. Not a problem compared to the problems active alcoholism caused! Just play it by ear. But as you drink so little anyway I expect you could stop altogether and tell him it's for your own health. No amount of alcohol is good for us after all.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page