Alcoholic won’t accept lying and debt are problems.

[18000lostchances]

My partner of 12yrs is alcoholic. We have two daughters, 4yrs and 5mnths old. He was always a heavy drinker and it ramped up during lockdown, then again when I was pregnant with my last daughter. I told him cutting back had always failed and he needed to stop. He told his family he was alcoholic, promised everyone he had quit, but secretly carried on drinking.

He has run up £18k in personal debt and been drinking every time he left the house. Every time he went to work, went for a coffee, anywhere really, he must have popped to the pub and sunk a pint. Including while I was in hospital after giving birth. It came out 3 weeks ago and I told him to leave. He is now going to AA meetings but I won’t have him back.

He has a lot of very disordered thinking. His Dad was alcoholic and his mum enabled it until they lost the house. His mum has sent me horrible messages originally trying to persuade me to stay with her son, then blaming me for his drinking. Apparently I lack empathy and belittle him. I don’t belittle him but I do shout and cry and feel when he hurts me. He has a textbook child of an alcoholic fear of confrontation and conflict and values surface level niceness above anything else.

She has also told him £18k of debt is nothing. This brings our household debt to £40k as I also have a masters loan and a loan for our kitchen that I thought we were paying off together. He agrees it’s nothing and sneers at my attitude to debt and the idea that this was money could have been spent on our kids or our shared future.

How are AA meetings structured? Will anyone challenge him or will they all just nod along that yes, I caused his drink problem? Is all this disordered thinking caused by the drink and denial and will it stop when the drinking stops or need a therapist to unpick it?

I am going to an Al Anon meeting on Thurs. I hope they can help but thought here would be a good place to ask how much AA can actually do to help. The lying bothers me as much as the debt and the attitude to debt. He just refuses to accept lying to me for 6 months is a problem. It’s wild.

AA meetings are structured in a very similar way to al anon meetings. No - there will be no one questioning his version of events - particularly at first. However if you won't have him back it really doesn't matter what happens at those meetings. Obviously it would be best for your children if he does stop drinking but if proceed with the expectation he won't and do all you can to protect yourself and your children. £18k debt run up on drinking is not nothing snd if his mum thinks it is then let her support him.

He is alcoholic
There is no point expecting him to accept anything you say or suggest
Save yourself and your dc
You cannot save or cure him or persuade him

You cannot help someone who won't help themselves OP.
Put you and the children first always.

My brother came close to destroying his life with alcohol. His wife kicked him out after numeours appalling events, which finally convinced him to go to rehab. It was based on the AA program and it's changed his life. They're back together and have a daughter and he's been sober for ages. Still in touch with his sponsor and still goes to meetings.

He didn't want to go to rehab, he fought it for so long and I think the only thing that made him go was a total lack of options (as a family, we all said no to him moving in with us) but the impact AA has had on him has been transformative.

My sister in law also went to meetings for family members and it helped her establish boundaries and red lines. I don't really understand how she's managed to forgive him, she's a better person than I'll ever be, but I'm so glad that he has her and I'm so happy for them both.

My only advice to you, and it was the same to her, is that you don't have to put up with this sort of shit. If he won't help himself then you can't help him either.

@OhNoFloyd I guess this is what I still secretly hope will happen. Only the man I met before the alcohol didn’t have the sort of values he’s displaying now, and it’s hard to accept that person is gone and quite possibly won’t return even if he stays dry.

OP I’m still struggling with that, the acceptance that the person I loved and married isn’t here anymore.
it is a weird grief, as you keep thinking they can stop lying and somehow make up for everything. As much as I have wanted that, I know I wouldn’t be able to forget and likely wouldn’t ever trust him again. I wish you peace.

To balance the usually unhappy posts on mumsnet, things here are looking brighter.

We seperated and he has his own rented flat. AA didn't work for him at all. However he met with occupational health, his work are covering individual therapy, and he has done a lot to untangle the rats nest of distorted thinking underlying the drinking. He is currently genuinely sober (can't fake weight loss and clear skin) and with sobering up and addressing his demons, he is much happier and sounding more like himself.

Don't get me wrong, the months since I posted have been hell, but I would be suprised if he went back to the mess he was before given how much he has grown and what he now knows about himself.

I know this very well may not be your experience @bridgewhat24 but I thought if anyone else falls over this thread it's helpful to have the odd light at the end of the tunnel. It felt very dark when I posted before but now it is genuinely better even from such an awful low.

I've found I can trust again. He had a lot of distorted thinking and having cleared that, I don't think he could recreate the circumstances that enabled him to lie.

He can't move back, it's not that kind of trust. I won't ignore the risk to my children, but we can have a better parenting relationship.

OP I’m really happy for you and him that he has engaged in therapy, it sounds like that has been a key.
Unfortunately, ‘my’ STBXH would never go to therapy to understand why he drank so still doesn’t cope well without it, although has reduced it.
Great to hear some positive progress on this topic