Embarrassed and ashamed it’s come to this

[embarrassedmum464]

I don’t know what I’m hoping for by posting this but I just want to get it out. Maybe some advice. Who knows.
basically I’m just upset I’ve ended up in this situation and I don’t know how to turn it around.
to set the scene I am a mum of two and had my second baby recently. PPD and PPA hit me hard and I’m constantly questioning if I’m a good enough mum, worrying, feeling like a failure. I’m on maternity leave and I forgot how lonely and isolating it can be, especially with it being so dark and cold. Add a very stressful house sale and purchase into the mix and basically with hours alone with baby every day (don’t feel like seeing people) I’m ashamed to say I’ve started drinking wine to pass the time. It’s crept forward earlier and earlier, it’s most nights, sometimes it’s just a glass other times it’s a bottle.

the trouble is I can’t figure out how to stop. I’m well aware that to put down an addiction you have to want to stop and atp I’m not sure if I do, I do and I don’t in my heart of hearts. I’ve done things like dry January and quit vaping before and it was easy before because I wanted to and now I find myself unable to. I hate how alcohol has this hold over me, I crave it physically and emotionally every day as a ‘treat’ after a whole day spent entirely alone with baby. I know I rely on it due to loneliness and boredom and yet this time I can’t quite bring myself to say enough is enough and put down the bottle. Why??

I suppose part of it is being able to drink again after not drinking in pregnancy but surely I’m stronger than this? On every level I hate the hold alcohol has on me, I miss the days where I didn’t feel like I needed booze to cope with life, I hate feeling sluggish and the poor sleep, I worry about my health. But I can’t stop.

what do I do to turn my life around when I feel like this? It used to be easy to not drink when I was going to work and juggling one child. Now I find myself with hours and hours to fill (made worse by the fact older child wanted to stay at after school club and gets taken to after school clubs by grandparent so no school pick up to break up day) and no incentive to not have a wine or two to pass the time. I’m at my wits end.

What treatment have you had for your mental health? I think you are stuck in a cycle of depression causing you to struggle to get out and do things, you’re bored and lonely so you drink to cope with that but it makes your depression worse.

Have you seen your GP?

I think many of us could suggest plenty of strategies to help but you have to find some motivation which sounds like it’s very hard for you right now. But off the top of my head I think it would help you to:

• get outside every day, take baby for a walk in daylight
• try to find a manageable way to interact with people. Maybe something like a baby yoga class once a week which has a little bit of social interaction before and after but it’s not an overwhelming amount
• can the grandparents spend a bit of time with you after they pick up your older child?
• do you have a partner, can you try to do more fun stuff together at the weekends?

I think many of us are guilty for drinking ‘to pass the time’. The days can seem long and monotonous recall with young children. The good thing is that you’ve recognised there’s a problem.

What worked well for me when I was in a similar rut was rather than focussing on ‘not drinking’, I would focus on ticking off more basics during the day, even if that’s out for a walk, clean with a podcast, do some yoga from YouTube. Also putting the money I would have spent on a daily bottle of wine into a jar and buying a family takeaway at the end of the week.

I still drink, but far less and I haven’t beaten myself up, and neither should you, change is very achievable x

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP.

I think there’s different steps to take to deal with different parts of this issue.

First of all, have you spoken with your GP or health visitor/midwife regarding your PPD/PPA to get some support with that? If not, that’s a good first step to take.

Second of all, does your partner (if you have one) know about your drinking? If not, a good next step would be speaking to him about it. Secrecy feeds addiction, getting it out in the open takes that away and also allows those close to you to help you.

Third, if it is the long days on maternity that are making you feel this way, could you create a routine for your day? I’m also on maternity leave so I do know what you mean, the days can be long, but what I have done is essentially create myself a routine for the day which makes things feel more normal. So we get up, have breakfast and then go for a walk/run, come home and play/tidy for a bit, have morning nap, then we go out for a few hours whether that’s to a baby group, for a coffee, to the gym with baby or just to wander round the shops, getting out every day really helps. Then afternoon nap, out for an afternoon walk, cook dinner etc. Having some routine to your day does really help things feel less endless because rather than “it’s 12 hours til bed time” it’s “1 hour til morning walk”, “1 hour til we head out”, breaking the day up and getting out of the house every day is so helpful.

I’d also stop having alcohol in the house, stop buying it with weekly shop etc. The temptation is always going to be greater if you know it’s in the fridge waiting for you, putting that extra barrier in of having to leave the house to go shopping to get it may deter you.

Hey OP. In exactly the same position. On maternity with two month old and finding myself reaching for the bottle to signify the end of the day and take the edge off parenting a newborn and a 5 year old. I feel guilty about it so know it isn't right, some weeks it's one bottle and some it's three but either way I can't imagine not drinking. Feels almost like I'm making up for lost time not drinking during pregnancy and then straight after having the baby it was Christmas celebrations which are always boozy. Really just want to be able to wind down without wine and actually look forward to a glass on a Friday rather than feeling like I need to. I feel so... unwholesome? In the newborn period.

Thank you to everyone who commented. You have no idea how much it helped to hear the kindness and warmth in your responses and the helpful advice.

since I posted this we have moved house and partner is still doing long hours of overtime. I’m still drinking unfortunately.

I genuinely feel stuck in a way I’ve never felt before. I struggle to do the most basic things like put a wash on or even brush my teeth. I know it’s depression. Antidepressants don’t work for me unfortunately so I was having talking therapy which I cut short as I just didn’t feel it was helping. I think I possibly didn’t click with the therapist though so thinking about restarting but privately- it seemed with this being nhs it was very rushed and I almost felt pressure to say I was feeling better. Questionnaires and scores every session.

i am looking into a medical cannabis prescription now because I just can’t handle the depression and the drinking to cope. I want to get better. I don’t even know if it’s better to swap one substance for another. I’m not sure but I want to give it a go

so yeah, just a bit of an update. Every day is a battle atm, heads all over the place.

That’s how I feel, unwholesome! It’s that craving and need that probably makes us feel guilty, it makes me feel weak and stupid really? Like what kind of mum am I if I can’t just resist a glass of wine for the sake of my kids?

OP I cannot stress enough that medical cannabis is not the way forward.

First of all, getting a prescription for medical cannabis on the NHS is very very rare and is only really done in 3 specific situations, those situations are:

• Adults with MS
• Those with a rare and severe form of epilepsy
• Those struggling with nausea due to chemo

And even in those specific situations it is an absolute last resort.

You are not going to get this prescription via NHS.

You may be able to buy products online but those are likely to be illegal, to possess or supply, and can contain THC which is unsafe especially when you are taking care of a young child.

Remember also that the side effects of taking it could make your situation far worse not only for you but for your baby. Psychosis, hallucinations, extreme tiredness, suicidal thoughts, weakness etc.

Appreciate you a lot and thank you for the concern but this isn’t necessarily the case for me. You can go private these days with lots of different strains with low levels of thc etc, i wouldn’t be going through nhs. I will be ok. I’ve had it previously and it’s like a tonic for my adhd/autistic brain. I completely understand your viewpoints but it definitely isn’t the case for everyone.

like any medication it has its pros and cons, at this stage I need to keep my options open. I can’t take ssris and therapy hasnt worked, so I need to consider an option that will help me be the best mum i can be.

Agree that another substance really doesn't solve your problem and likely prolongs and deepens the issues

I was exactly the same - mat leave triggered a deep unhappiness and feeling of loss of my old self and a lack of control over my life.

I managed to hold the drinking back for 6-8 months ie 'just' heavy evening drinking. But after about 8-9 months I started drinking earlier and then when I went back to work it went bananas and if I wasn't physically at work, I would just be drinking massive amounts. Managing a bottle of wine in about 30 mins in the pub on the way home then another when I got home.

DS was 18 months when I admitted completed and utter defeat and went to my first AA meeting. The 'therapy' you get through other members and the 12 step programme is truly transformational.

It doesn't sound like you're anywhere near ready to seek help but I hope this has sowed a seed for when it gets much much worse (which it will if you don't do anything about the underlying causes)

You're stuck in the vicious circle of addiction OP. You're fed up, have a drink, feel lifted. Then you feel depressed (booze is a depressant), so you drink (more because your body is getting used to the toxin), feel lifted - then crash again.

Each time you drink you feed the need for drink. It's self-perpetuating. Same with Nicotine.

The way to stop the craving is to stop drinking, as contradictory as it sounds.