My partner doesn’t know about my drinking issue

[Kalah]

My partner and I have been together for a few years but living in our own houses.

He has a very healthy attitude to alcohol, he rarely drinks and if we ever had a drink together it was only a few then call it a night. He doesn’t need alcohol to socialise and even if it’s in the house he doesn’t drink it.

I however was drinking wine regularly on the nights I wasn’t with him, alone at home and he never knew about it. He thinks I rarely drink. Two years ago I decided to lose weight and get healthy and as part of the diet I cut right back on alcohol. I realised I had an issue with alcohol as it was hard to stop and initiated a session with a free stop drinking service (via the council website) but I only had one session then I stopped going. I don’t know why, I was embarrassed but it helped me cut down a lot.

I carried on drinking by myself just less frequently and less volume of booze and lost weight but around Christmas alcohol crept up a bit. I decided I do not want long term health issues so at new year I decided enough was enough, I don’t want to just do dry Jan I just want to quit for good and I have done. I don’t want to drink anymore, there is drink in the house which I will get rid of, but I am no longer interested in it at all. Even after a bad day. Something had clicked and I don’t even miss it. I grew to hate it because it was a secret.

My dad is an alcoholic which I hate, and I just know I can’t continue drinking at all even a small amount because it’s not that I even binge drink a large amount anymore (although I have in the past) it’s just it keeps creeping back to being ‘oh I’ve had a bad day’ or ‘it’s Saturday night’ and I am in my 40’s and I am scared about what alcohol might do to my body long term. I am already afraid of the damage it might have already done.

I worry my partner will judge me if I tell him the truth about my drinking. He loves me he will support me but he will be confused why I didn’t tell him all this time and then worry about me.

We are due to go on holiday and I have told him I’m doing dry Jan as a prompt, and he already asked me about breaking it to drink on our trip. I don’t want to deny him the odd drink but I think he will think it’s really strange if I say no, I don’t want to. I was planning on just saying I don’t fancy it and getting something special but non alcoholic instead?

I have dug myself a big hole here

Truth is best. Tell him you want to do Dry January, because you were worried you were sliding towards alcoholism like your father. You say he loves you; trust him.

I totally empathise with you as I feel the same about my relationship with alcohol. I’m really lucky that my partner is aware, and supportive. But what I would tell you, as if speaking to a parallel universe version of myself, is that it’s always so much worse and bigger in your head than it is said out loud.

If you don’t share it, it’s going to something that puts you on edge forever. It’s part of you, he’s part of your support system, don’t just ignore it. You’ll feel so relieved I promise!

You don’t have to give him the full warts and all in your first conversation about it. You could just say, “Look, I want to get something off my chest because otherwise it’s just going to be exhausting to dance round it… I don’t like my relationship with alcohol. I feel like it starts off fun and social but creeps into depending on it for every bad day or stressful work week. My Dad is an alcoholic and I have fears linked to that, and just want to stay clear. Can you understand now about me being funny about our trip? Love you. Thank you for your support.”

@GrapefruitFrog I have told him some of this. He knows I hate my drunk self and he’s only ever seen me drunk about 3 times. Two of them I passed out and I absolutely hate even thinking about that. What a state. He thought it was funny but I cried all day the next day and couldn’t explain why.

I have so much trauma related to alcohol I don’t even know where to begin, it’s all so horrible to tell your partner. I’ve had therapy which helps with lessening the desire to drink it all away.

I HATE my relationship with alcohol it is not fun, I do not equate it with ‘fun times’ with your friends anymore. I don’t like who it turns me into and it just brings back so many bad memories.

My dad drinks and my stepmum died a horrible death from it. I had such a shit childhood I was drinking from like 12 years old. My worst trauma is I got semi kind of trafficked as a minor by a man who groomed me and he would make me drink to pass out and shut me in his flat for days or drive me to the middle of nowhere and scare me and SA me. I didn’t deal with this well so for my whole 20’s I just drank loads. My 30’s I started socialising in a different way and it was all binge drinking with so called ‘friends’ but I got away from them all and then started secret drinking on my own.

I really am done with it now I know I am strong enough to do it now but I am afraid of what it’s done to me. I’m going to the doctors soon and going to ask them to reassure me on my health as it’s worrying me a lot. I think I am ok, I seem healthy but if I continue I will not stay that way

I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced OP, you’ve had to cope with such a lot. As @Gagagardener says, telling him the truth will probably be the least anxiety inducing in the long run, and it doesn’t have to be the full warts and all version if you don’t want to.
I think if I had a partner who told me what you have said about their dad and stepmum I absolutely would understand that they would get to a point where they didn’t want to drink any more, whether or not my partner had been a drinker previously, and whether or not my partner was unhappy with their drinking now.
I’m also a woman in my 40s, and if I’m uncomfortable discussing with someone why I’m not drinking I quite often blame my hormones these days! I’ll say something along the lines of “I’m a bit peri these days and it doesn’t agree with me any more.” It is part of the truth, just not the whole warts and all picture, ie that I just can’t cope with the hangxiety, sleepless nights and emotional rollercoaster like I did in my 20s because I’m unable to stop at one drink. However if you blame your hormones people seem not to question it!

I would just be really honest and say you’re doing Dry January but planning to carry on being alcohol free and you don’t plan to drink on your holiday. You would like him to support you, but you don’t mind if he has a few drinks, just that you want to be supported in sticking with your decision.

I went on my first holiday at 4 weeks sober with Dh and honestly, it was great. He did drink some, but not that much and it was wonderful to get great sleep and be up fresh in the morning. We were walking back from dinner one night and some guy ahead of us was drunkenly stumbling along and was sick over someone’s garden wall. I was like, Jesus, I do not miss that one bit!

Thanks I will decide what to say if it comes up again but I don’t think I will bring it up otherwise.

I told my best friend today and was totally honest but she knows everything anyway so it didn’t feel weird or uncomfortable. She agreed I was making a good choice so I feel even more sure it’s the right thing to do.

I am not worrying I won’t have a nice time without alcohol I always have a better time. I can’t have sex with my partner if I have had a drink I just don’t want to, I always get tired and want to go to sleep, the next day I feel awful so it ruins everything as I have a stomach ache and feel down, unwell and sluggish and jittery. I’m more fun sober. He likely wouldn’t drink if I don’t drink even if I say he can, so I do worry about it affecting his enjoyment as I know he will choose what I choose

It's brilliant you've confronted it OP - such a strong thing to have done.

But perhaps you'd consider speaking to someone about your propensity to beat yourself up mentally? You seem v hard on yourself - I think you need to talk to someone - therapy if you will. It might help you make that move away from alcohol for good. The NHS offer a counselling service in your area.

It helped me do the same as you. Reading your original post brings back a lot of past experiences for me. I have to tread carefully around alcohol too.

Good luck.

You can say that your consumption had crept up and that it was making you feel crap so you’ve decided to boot it for good.

A sober partner is rarely a dealbreaker… a drunk one often is