Going Sober- Losing Friendships

[DiscoBallDiva]

I've name changed as even my old user name was based around alcohol!

I've been considering stopping drinking for a long time. I would class myself as a binge drinker. The short term enjoyment is just not worth it for me anymore. Most of all it's the anxiety. I was diagnosed ADHD a few years ago so I know I really shouldn't drink. It was a double edged sword. Those first few drinks settled me, made me feel "normal" but I don't know when to stop and always take it too far. The days afterwards are awful, what did I say? Is that person angry with me?
The one thing that held me back from stopping is my fear of being ostracised by my friendship group. We have been friends since school, they are the group I started drinking with at school. Most of our social interactions involve alcohol.
I've been doing a lot of self reflection and starting to see the amount of events or nights out I feel I've spoilt by getting too drunk and I don't like the person I am when I drink.
I just don't know where I'll fit into the group if I'm not drinking. Sober, I'm a quiet person and lack self confidence to the point I will avoid going out. Part of me thinks if the friendships drift apart were they ever really my friends?
What are others experiences in this situation?

Where do I start! Firstly I completely understand I am the only one in my friendship group who has ever gone sober for a short period of time! Unless one/I was pregnant etc.
From personal experiences my friends don’t like it, they just don’t get why I would not want to not drink even though they have seen the crazy that I can become, because like you I’m naturally introverted so alcohol does all weird and wonderful things to my brain I often wonder if I have ADHD myself.
I’ve upset my friends with things I’ve said done whilst being drunk but they still want me to be that person! Never have they told me to stop or calm down.
This doesn’t happen every time I go out, maybe twice a year say but it’s once to many for me and I never know when it will happen just that it will and people will be there to witness it as it’s always social occasions I struggle with.
I have to say in my sober streaks I hate going out to socialise I normally don’t go because I just don’t want to be in the pub if I’m not drinking I don’t feel I want/need to be there.
I have lost contact with a lot of my drinking buddies, all I can say is if they’re true friends they will support you and still want to hang out just you’ll grab lunch or coffee instead etc.
Put yourself first and worry about who sticks around after because you never know they could be feeling the same way!
I got sick of being everyone’s entertainment I gave it a good run! Now I’m normally in bed by 10pm currently doing DJ and hoping for 100 days this time.
But as for drinking at social events will have to be a NO this year can’t deal with the anxiety and embarrassment if I have another black out if I loose friends so be it.
wish you all the best I hope I’ve helped or at best shown you’re not alone!

I think this is a totally normal reaction. The first thing I’ll say is we have very good ways of self-sabotaging and talking ourselves out of good things by thinking of all the what ifs. Don’t do that. You’re already setting up an out for yourself, oh but I have to drink, just this time because it’s the girls and I’m so boring otherwise. Don’t do it. You do you and stay in your lane. Even if you’re boring, so what there’s worse things to be than boring. Like that friend who is always a liability on nights out, or worse, chronically ill.

That said, secondly, I can 100% guarantee you that in your circle of friends, you are not the only one questioning their drinking. You just might be the first one ballsy enough to own up to it. You stopping drinking might mean you lose a friend or two, but I would bet money that you will open the flood gates for everyone who has been waiting back thinking about getting sober too.

I’m from a hard drinking family and social circle. I’m coming up to 2 years sober now. In that time, one person close to me has also gone sober and 2 others drink very little now. When people come over the fridge is stocked with AF beers now. We go for walks and stop for coffee instead of drinks at the pub. You don’t know the tidal wave you will start, trust me. People will be grateful you were brave enough to lead the way.

I will say what I find is on nights out, I get tired and bored early. It’s fine. I go home. 😂 I don’t care. People are pissed enough that they don’t care either. But what I do have energy for are walks and going for coffee and going for swims and the cinema and I prioritise that and anyone who wants to do it will me.

There are also lots of ways to make sober friends too. And they are often a lot more interesting than your drunk friends. Sober people have really fun stories (you do too!).

How old are you op? That’s rubbish that they’re so into drinking you may feel ostracised. I can understand why it’s such a big thing for you and I think you’re being smart and brave. Do you ever meet up for lunch or coffee or anything? You might find this is actually an incredible test of working out who some true friends are, having better and more valuable friendships and time together when no alcohol is involved. I promise that these days loads of people
dont drink and don’t care who does, so it may be finding your real crowd.

Thanks for the replies. It's good to know I'm not alone in how this m feeling.
We are approaching our mid 40s. Which now that I think about it, it's quite sad in a way that at this age the focus is still around drinking. We would meet up more for lunch or walks etc when our children were small and we were at various stages of maternity leave. Now we're all working full time it doesn't tend to happen as much or I try and suggest it & they are busy with other things. Now that our children are older when we do get together it's usually weekend evening. I guess I may just have to take the initiative and instigate more things that don't involve alcohol.
I do think there's truth in the comment that I may just be the first to take this step & that others are feeling this way & just don't know how to say it.

Also in my 40s here so it’s not a good look when you get soo intoxicated! I agree with the other comments above it is a brave move but please put yourself first you will feel so much better for it.
As for telling them just maybe drop it into conversation you don’t have to declare it to the world, could say you’ve not been drinking lately and you’ve noticed how good you feel/look so you’ll be taking a break just for now, honesty is best but little white lies are fine you’re on antibiotics etc so you can’t drink if that’s more comfortable for now.
when you go out in the evening is it a meal with drinks? Or full on drinking sesh with lots of bars?
I went out just before Christmas and ended up in a bar till 2am I was drinking and I really hated being there lucky for me I didn’t blackout but I remember wanting to go home I don’t ever want to repeat it also wasted over 100 on booze.
So another motto for me is if there’s no food I won’t even consider going now 😂 just solely going out for drink has lost its appeal massively last year.
Good luck and I wish you all the best it’s not to late to form better healthy habit's

Yes, a group of inebriated 40+ females isn't a good look. Even more so now that I think younger generation have a different view of the dinking culture than we did.
I'm not doing a big "I'm not drinking" announcement. As I feel that's setting myself to fail or for them asking lots of questions, I need to get my own head round this way of life first. They are aware of my ADHD & anxiety issues so I think they'll quietly understand & not pressure me. This is something I'm doing for myself.
I was thinking about suggesting going for meals together. That way the focus isn't on the drinking, I can enjoy their company and leave when i'm ready. A restaurant setting appeals more than an actual pub.

I have a slightly different perspective on this- I had a group of friends where we met up for nights out maybe go for a meal but always drinks - too many most of the time.
I decided to drink less but without making any announcements about it.
I still went out but drank a lot less and often soft drinks
It turned out that without the addition of alcohol it just wasn’t for me anymore- I was shocked at the change in me but also pleased

Sounds like you’ve got if figured out and of course with your ADHD anxiety ii’m pretty sure your friends will totally understand.
Think you should move forward the way you plan above, well done to you for making these changes it’s not easy but it’s definitely worth it

Sober, I'm a quiet person and lack self confidence to the point I will avoid going out.

You don't have to lack self confidence forever. I'd use some of the time and money that you're saving off alcohol, and spend it on things that would help heal the anxiety. Become sober and confident.