Can't stop drinking on nights out

[roava]

Hi everyone

I'm here mid hangxiety because I really did take it too far last night. I went to my best friends birthday party and blacked out. I can't remember the end of the party or getting home, luckily my husband was there and he took care of me (he's disgusted at me) but the fact I blacked out has scared me so much. I've always drank a lot on nights out but I always get pizza and home safely with a full recollection of the evening.

I don't drink at home at all and I might have one glass of wine if we go out for a meal so I can absolutely manage it.

However on nights out, which might happen monthly or less, I just keep going and going and going. I wake up feeling mortified most times, i lose all control of my willpower.

I just wondered if anyone has any tips on how I can keep myself at an enjoyable level. I really don't want to stop going to bars because I enjoy the social side of things.

I don't seem to be able to set myself a home time, drink limit, drunk limit and I'm getting worried for my safety.

Thanks for hearing me out.

The only answer is to not drink.

Think about it, once you've got a few on board, your not negotiating with sober you anymore are you?

You can set as many rules as you like, you wont follow them once you're under the influence. Some of us are just that way (myself included)
That's why people make poor choices that they would never make sober.

It sounds like it's already having a massive impact on yourself in regards to shame & anxiety, also, your marriage. Is it worth it? When booze starts costing you more than money, its time to quit.

We've been conditioned to believe we can't cope or enjoy social situations without alcohol. It's not true! Yes OK, 1st few times is awkward as hell, but honestly, each time is easier & now I don't even think about it.

Be kind to yourself, rest & apologise to your husband if you need to. The anxiety will wear off soon & I'm sure it's making you think 10x worse thoughts than what actually happened.

Morning, I could have written that myself, I’ve had enough black outs to last me a lifetime.
I agree with @Manchestermummax3 thats the only answer not to drink, I’ve tried so many times to moderate make rules up no wine just spirits etc etc it normally all ends that way on social occasions.
I know how you feel I’ve upset my own friends and family because of my actions when being intoxicated and I’ve done some pretty embarrassing things.
Your anxiety will be through the roof seen as it’s just happened but it will pass we can only learn from these experiences or tragedies 😂
Im currently doing DJ and hoping to carry on after I had 2 really bad blackouts last year and I’ve made a promise to myself it stops now!! I haven’t got many life lines left!! And it’s embarrassing at the age of 42 really doesn’t look good 😆
I hope you manage to figure out how to navigate the drinking in social situations but for me think I will just not drink or not go I’ve tried every other way.
good luck and I hope you start to feel better you’re not alone

I have a friend who used to go OTT on nights out. I used to get drunk in my 20s but it petered out. I've been the friend trying to console the friend who is laden with guilt and sorrow after a night out. To my mind it was due to having a stressful job and wanting to let hair down. Probably lots of other factors- influence of other particular friends, parental drinking habits when growing up. In the end she had a huge row with her partner and after that she stopped drinking for years. I think she does drink occasionally now and I sometimes hear of a night where she only had a few hours sleep.

I have experience of cutting back and stopping drinking. To be honest the most effective thing was removing myself from the situations for a good while. Now I can go out with zero alcohol any place any where, it doesn't bother me if other people drink (it's actually quite amusing being the sober one - you can take the conversation to even more ridiculous places and people don't know if you're being serious or not!).

I'd probably start by making a list of all the negatives of the current habit and all the positives from cutting back. Then look at what might help you and what might hinder you /get in the way. Come up with solutions for potential obstacles. Then do a test period of 3 months.

Thank you for your kind, well thought out and non-judgmental responses.

I think because all of my social activities are geared around drinking because that's what my friends do.. I would be best placed to just avoid the situation. If I go to the situation and choose to be sober I won't have a good time (I'm not there yet) and I will likely succumb to peer pressure anyway.

Unfortunately the anxiety has persisted into day 2 and my husband keeps reminding me how terrible it was so it's not going anywhere any time soon.

I'd really welcome any PMs from anyone in the same boat so I don't feel so lonely maybe we can be accountable to each other. I don't have a friend who would understand what I'm going through tbh. They all tell me i'll be fine and it's a one off.

This was me. I spend years trying to work out how to limit myself on nights out and control my drinking. Even if I managed a few nights out without getting too drunk it would inevitably happen again.

I stopped drinking for a year at one point before deciding I was now cured and could just have a few now and again because I'd managed fine without it for so long. Second time I had a drink it turned into a binge session and I blacked out.

That was 16 months ago and I haven't had a drink since. I miss it sometimes, but I definitely don't miss the anxiety, the embarrassment, the hangovers and the feeling of letting everyone down.

You may not be at the point of admitting it yet, and that's ok, but some people are just not capable of having a healthy relationship with alcohol.

I hear you, I’m a bloody nightmare in a social setting I’m not sure if it’s my nerves as I’m really quite when I’m sober but loud and extravagant when I drink almost like two different people.
The last time I embarrassed myself was at a family wedding last August free bar with waiters topping up the glass etc my partner was furious had to put me in a cab I couldn’t even stand up!!
not to Mention pissing up his hall way!! Thank god it was just us 😂 he brings it up now still he got over it!! But it took me weeks I didn’t drink for 3 months after that.
started again at Christmas haven’t done anything embarrassing yet!! But I know it will come same as you always comes back to haunt me at some point!
doing DJ now and hoping that I’m done with it all I really would like to stop altogether now so that’s what I’m hoping for. Well done to you for giving up 16 months is amazing!! 🙌🏻

All of my friends drink most weekends so I’m in the same situation none of them would ever do DJ etc, and tbh I hate socialising when I’m sober, so I tend not to go now.
My friends don’t get it they think it’s funny also or you wasn’t that bad etc try to make light of these blackouts and fuck ups that happen!
They just don’t want their drinking buddie to change! And if your changing it makes them think maybe they should and that’s a whole different story of uncomfortable!!
your partner is probably pretty pissed off still I know mine forgave me a lot always babysitting me he said in the end he hated going out with me in case I got too drunk! Was never my intention it just happens one minute I’m fine it happens very quickly then I just don’t know it’s like the demons take over. I thought it was not eating enough before boozing or maybe it was wine but no nothing changed it didn’t happen every time but the times it did was bad!! And it gave me the worst anxiety for weeks it’s really not worth it!
things will be ok you will get through it just takes time be kind to yourself alcohol is pure evil!! It wasn’t you, you was intoxicated your not to blame the best form of apology is changed behaviour that’s what it’s taught me.
chin up 😊

I’m sending you a DM if I can work out how 😃xx

@TimeForNosecco alcohol was definitely a confidence thing for me. I still feel quite uncomfortable in some social situations but it's getting better the longer it goes on. I've realised it's better to be the boring one in the room rather than the drunken idiot 😂

You'll know when you hit the point that you're done with it, well I did at least!

I am done with it. It doesn't suit me, I don't like who I become. If I could moderate it would be fine but I can't.

On day 3 and I'm still wrought with guilt. I think I'd feel better if I could actually remember what happened. I've spoken to 2 people that were there and they have just said you weren't that bad, so and so was worse. Not helpful. Husband still mortified.

I feel the same way, become someone that doesn’t come close to me my morals or my values! I wouldn’t want to be around drunk me.
Honestly it will pass I hate the not remembering I think that’s the worst part as you feel terrible but your not quite sure exactly what happened and what you’ve done it’s like you want to know, but you’re scared to know think they call it beer fear!
I have had lots of times like this but as I say my last one was august last year and I’ve not let myself go back there again but I know moderation will eventually take me back there so I want to give it up for good this time.
Your husband loves you he will move on from it but I know mine is definitely tired from the bullshit it causes! So with that in mind I’m not risking it!
all the best why don’t you join the DJ thread!

Maybe give your self a statute of limitation (time limit) on remorse. I'd say a week. That's plenty time to beat yourself up over it! Then focus on doing some self care activities. That's my general approach for things that make me feel awful/rejected, like if I don't get a job I really wanted or ghosted by someone I like etc.

I've been not drinking for a long time and last year I think I did the whole year until December. I went out with friends and had some wine, and also had wine with family at Christmas. Generally if there's a bottle going round I go with what I call a thumbsworth 🤣. It's enough to have a taste without further temptation. Saying that I had maybe 3 glasses this year - what I did notice is how much it feels like nothing (without realising you are getting drunk). For this reason I know I can ever go back to being a drinker. I think I can imagine a scenario where I have one beautiful glass of an amazing wine in a holiday situation, or a really special cocktail in a super special environment, but it would be like one drink or two drinks in a year and probably none at all some years!

The other thing was I had what I felt was a slight hangover this Christmas and it was awful! It does crazy things to blood sugar levels - they must drop down after the spike up which is what causes the anxiety I think. I just wanted to eat everything. Not helped by the inevitable chocolate binge at Christmas too. I absolutely cannot face a hangover again ever.

This year I'm going to go for a no alcohol year with my rule of a thumbsworth when I do the annual family Christmas. I want to get a few more years under my belt of non drinking as its all about habit forming. That's what I did with quitting smoking and it's now been 16 years. Some people won't be able to do the occasional thumbsworth rule and that's fine. It's really individual. I've been working towards it for about 11 years with lots of periods of abstinence so discipline has built.

My habit is towards not drinking iyswim...but I am never not aware that so very little stands between a drink and getting drunk so I am extremely respectful towards my own choices. That's all you need BTW- it doesn't matter if your friends don't support although it's nice of course to feel support. But ultimately it's about having utter faith in your own choices (and compassion for making mistakes). You'll probably find that just by doing it that some of your friends start to catch up with you and think along the same lines.

Other benefits - it's great for your skin not drinking.

BW xx

Thanks everyone for your comments

I did a month without and ended up at a bottomless brunch yesterday. I moderated and came home early (everyone else stayed out) even though I wasn't drunk my anxiety is through the roof today again.

It just doesn't suit me anymore and I didn't really enjoy myself. Think the writings on the wall. Kind of gutted to be honest. Feel like I'm in mourning for the person that I was.

Oh brilliant well done to you, and for realising your limits yesterday!!
I think you know the answer to what you need to do, just try to look at what your gaining rather than losing the only thing I’m gutted about is that I will loose certain friendships as they were built on drinking.
Going to try and find my sober tribe 5 weeks AF now and feeling great I’m not looking back this time.
I hope you manage to change the narrative to what will be better than staying in the loop of day 1s 🙌🏻

I think everyone who stops drinking feels like this to varying degrees, its normal.

What is it you feel you're loosing? You need to find a way to reframe those thoughts.

For example, you might feel you need it to be confident. But look at it objectively.... everyone feels nervous to begin with, look at children at parties, clinging to their parent & by the end of it crying because they don't want to leave!
Or maybe in a work situation.... do you drink before a meeting? Or presentation? Etc.... of course not! It's with practice these thing become easier. Same goes with sober socialising.

Well done for staying in control at the brunch & your month sober! Really shows you what the poison does to you on just 1 'moderate' occasion.

I hope you can be gentle with yourself today & rest.

I’m on week 6 and I’m aiming for 100-150 days if I can. I’ve been thinking for a while that booze is not my friend and I hate the 4am beer fear. I’ve found that what’s helping me is listening to sober podcasts (sassy sober mum is a good one) and reading a shit load of quit lit. I’ve done dry jan the last few years and giving up full stop is something I aspire to. The more I realise I’m doing myself a bigger favour by not drinking, it starts to get easier. I went out Friday night and stayed on the alcohol free stuff and nobody cared. Small steps. And don’t beat yourself up. All we can do is keep trying x

I could have written this myself. I have exactly the same problem. I don’t drink or want a drink day to day. But on a night out I go a bit wild. It’s awful- so as of today I’ve decided to stop completely. I woke up today and I was worried I would get in to danger. It’s shit isn’t it

One thing this thread has made me realise is we aren't alone in feeling like this and i get so much comfort from that.

Sadly, even though I moderated last night and was home by 8pm, I still woke up feeling extremely anxious. I can fully recollect the entire day/evening, I didn't do anything stupid, didn't talk to randoms, wasn't sick... and yet here I am feeling like shit 😕 it's just not for me anymore. However, I feel really sad that that part of my life has to come to an end. I wonder how many friends I'll drift away from now

I'm the same, turn in to a different person when drinking with no off switch. We have really cut down our drinking alot in the last year and a half. Have drank about 9 times but we now haven't drank in 6 weeks and neither of us has any desire to, so may well just have become alcohol free as both preferring no more wasted Sundays and not having the fear of Monday on a Sunday night.

I have been like you (never drink at home, hardly drink with a meal but used to binge drink most weekends although never black out and thankfully my husband has never made me feel bad about drinking). Recently I actually have managed to drink sensibly when out. I've gone from pints to half pints and have a soft drink every second drink and I've felt fine the next day.

However... I'm now like, but what's the point? So I'm currently trying to summon the courage to give up altogether. It will be so much simpler! No more mental gymnastics about what to drink, how much to drink, when to stop etc, whether I can drive. It'll be so simple cos I just won't drink.

But can I make that final step??

Yes - I know quite a few on my friends who are similar. All mid 30s, have kids and very busy lives without much time to look after themselves, so when we get a few hours out we tend to get very excited and go a little wild. I wasn’t like this before kids where I had more time to do other things and not grab the few hours of time away.

It’s Monday and I’m still so upset with how I behaved on Saturday- I can’t remember parts of it and spoke to randoms. Just horribly embarrassed by my behaviour. It was like the final blow for me.

I have a few friends who joined the AA and I’ve spoken to them about how I drink. Aka nothing and then a wild night out with no boundaries and they said it’s so common and your brain creates pathways so it makes it difficult to change your behaviour. I found that interesting as that’s how I would describe it- sensible , in control normally and then boom 💥 alcohol and a totally different person.

With rhe anxiety you say you have - do you think you also have social anxiety generally? I think I do, I find it nerve wracking turning up to events and then over drink to make up for it.

Yes you can! And it sounds like your friends aren't fussed about how much you drink which is awesome