Would you leave?

[Alea34]

My husband is a functional alcoholic. Been married for 22 years and kids are young adults now (21 and 19). Looking back I wish I had the courage to leave 10 years ago.
The youngest is leaving for university this year and probably I will call it a day after that.
There is no abuse I think, only drunken behaviour every single day: snoring, stinking, laughing and taking too loud and out of order, I wish I would be away from home every evening only everyone else is having their family life. In the morning he is a changed man, very helpful and thoughtful, though narcissistic trails stink a mile.
I don’t think I can get past the empty nest syndrome but I feel very guilty about selling the family home, I think my kids have some fond memories despite shortcomings, I tried very hard to compensate. I think my kids love him.
I have no idea if I love him. I am more confident and comfortable socialising without him.
We are both financially independent, earning similar income.
Life alone scares me, but I am kind of alone anyway…
Would you leave? Or find something to do when he is drunk and put up with cleaning after him and his verbal nonsense and let downs to eat me away and drive me mad moving forward too?

Sounds horrible for you.
Has he ever reached out to services for help to quit? Or tried AA?
Only he can choose to stop.
But to answer your question, yes lovely, I would split with him.
Unless he seeks help, it will only get worse.

He had a few visits to GP but didn’t follow through with the AA appointment. I don’t think he wants to quit, he can go full speed ahead with awful behaviour whilst drunk and I think he enjoys that. I can see no remorse. But he pays back with some good behaviour now and again to get some points and keeps all of us in this loop.

Definitely leave, it's good you are financially independent.
When you say 'cleaning after him' I hope you don't mean bodily fluids. Once you are gone he can clean up his own mess.

No bodily fluids but he eats like a pig. And the state of the kitchen after he cooks, etc.
I am just worried that at least now I can complain about him to friends and family or use his unresponsive state to vent, what about when there is no one around? I can build my own life around this, he isn’t questioning or stopping me in any way. Though to be fair I don’t.
What is the point of freedom after 50?

There's no way on earth I would sit with a drunk every night. My neighbour is an alcoholic and he's convinced his wife that he 'deserves to drink' because he works all week. She runs around after him, hosts his friends when they come for a drinking session, does everything with the kids and home. His life is literally working and drinking.

Even on days out when the kids were younger, he'd drink in the car while she done all the driving, it's insane but he's convinced her she's the one with the problem. She told me all this but the minute I gave my opinion, she defended him. Hopefully she'll wake up one day and realise she deserves more. He has no relationship with the kids, they're teenagers now and mostly just ignore him.

Yes. I separated. DC was 4 and finances tight - still worth it. You have adult kids and financial independence. Run like the wind! Life is a million times better without an addict in it.

Don't wait... There is never the right time. Go now show your children this is an unacceptable way to live

Yes, that is my main drive, I’m worried about being a bad example to put up with it all.

"What is the point of freedom over 50"!!??

It's the best time to be free OP.

This guy is "functioning ", but as he ages , he won't always be functioning. Your freedom will be replaced by even more cleaning up after him, health deterioration, more dependence on you. You have some life to live yet.

I'd be out. Good luck OP.

Definitely leave! The freedom is amazing.

I split with my ex, and probably about 10 years later than I should, and omg, the relief! I didn't realise how much stress I was under until he was gone and I didn't feel utter dread whenever I came home from anywhere. I could relax in my own home again. That is the freedom you want, it's priceless!

And yes to those who have said he may be functioning now, b

@Alea34 - I’m the problem drinker in our family and I am so grateful that my family have not asked me to leave/left me. I’m not sure I’d have stayed with DH if the roles were reversed which I know is so hypocritical of me.

That said, I’d leave if I were you because he is making no attempt to stop. My family can see that I don’t want to be this person any more and I am trying everything and taking all the support offered to stop drinking for good.

Im only 3 weeks AF today after many day1s but I’m throwing everything at this time to increase my chance of success.

50 is no age at all! Being financially independent gives you a huge bonus and I definitely wouldn’t let worries about your age hold you back.

good luck 💐

Oops, pressed post too soon!

He may be functioning now, but as he ages it will get worse. My ex is now jobless and was homeless for a while before his son (my stepson) took him in. He's also been hospitalised a few times. I'm really sad for my stepkids who have to deal with it, but also very relieved it's not me, especially as I'm a carer for our disabled son.

Your children may have some big emotions that come with you leaving, but they likely won’t be centered around the break up of the family. Change is difficult so it will be a lot to process. There may be some complicated feelings about the fact that you waited to leave until they were grown and left them living with an alcoholic. They may worry about their dad and how he will cope, who they are going to love even with his faults. These feelings may not always be fair, especially to you. You just need to let them have their reactions and work through them because it’s just part of the transition. Overall they will recognize this is for the best and may even be wishing for it to happen.

Yes, I am aware that I still have to look after him even if I leave, otherwise he’ll be relying on kids, which I cannot bear. I am prepared to do this, as long as I am doing it on my own terms. But that is very premature he is strong as a bull and no health issues!!!

Similar story here.

I left when DC were 4 and 5, had £2 in my bank account. Life after that got so much better!