The stress of living with a functioning alcoholic

[RainTreeLamp]

I haven't got anyone IRL I can talk to about this. My DH is a functioning alcoholic and has been for at least 25 years. His dad was also an alcoholic and his whole family has a very poor relationship with alcohol. He can stop drinking for months at a time if pushed and does not drink everyday. However the moment he puts alcohol in his mouth he needs to put more in. He holds down a very senior role and is very good at it. No one would have a clue. I hate it. I can't have a single drink if I feel like one as he would see this as permission to shovel as much booze down his throat as possible. Only rarely would be appear drunk. Over the years he has admitted he has a problem (usually after i have lost my shit about how many empties are in the bin) and then he stops for a bit but he always slips back. I have basically had enough as it's starting to affect his health (high BP, ED etc) and i am not going to look after him like my MiL did for my FiL. We had a massive row because he had drunk excessively everyday for the last 3 weeks because "it's the holidays" (I'd guess 100+ units per week) and I'm sick of the insidious impact it's having. I worry if i have a drink he will drink more so I don't drink at all, I worry he will be over the limit the following day so I offer to drive, if I go to bed before him I worry he will carry on drinking etc. We had the usual tears and apologies but I was so angry I told him I don't trust him, he disgusts me and he is only sorry because I'm angry with him. He actually said he needed me to tell him to stop which made me furious. He hasn't had a drink for 3 days and I'm sure he will manage not to drink for at least the whole of January. I think he needs to stop altogether and go to AA or similar. The problem is alcoholism is still framed around blackouts, failing at work, needing to drink everyday, being sick etc so if I describe what is happening in my house people don't understand the problem. He is a lovely kind quiet man and i think our friends would be utterly shocked. I'm just exhausted by it all and really sad. Any advice or positive stories gratefully received. It all feels a bit hopeless at the moment.

Have you an Al-Anon meetings nearby? I would advise you to go join, they even do meetings online, it’s for people and family of alcoholics, all suffering as you are, consumed by alcohol in your lives. Even if you don’t classes your husband as one they can help. You are as invested in alcohol as your husband, it has changed your actions as your scared to have an alcoholic drink incase it encourages your husband on a bender. You do everything to enable him, you make sure he is cushioned from the consequences from being drunk by driving him, you worry about going to bed when he is drinking too. You are acting like your H is a toddler but he is a grown man, you’re exhausting yourself and he even told you that you have the power to stop him. That is a complete lie, the only thing that will stop him is himself, you need to learn to let go of his addiction and concentrate on what you can control, which is yourself. Let him drink knowing he has to drive the next day and figure it out for himself, stop trying to manage him and start living life for yourself. Pamper yourself, start a new hobby and go out with friends rather than wringing your hands over something you have no control over.

I hear you @SpryCat but it smacks of victim blaming to me. Which is precisely why i have avoided talking to people IRL because either way I'm damned if i do and I'm dammed if i don't. Don't stop drinking around someone with a problem and I'm insensitive and undermining them, it's a disease etc etc, do stop drinking and I'm an enabling hand wringer. I drive because we have kids - I don't think anyone on this board would allow someone they think it's over the limit to drive because if they don't they are enabling them.

I would still advice Al-Anon though, it would help to talk and listen to people going through exactly the same as you.

It's not victim blaming - it's support for YOU with how this affecting YOU

I really wish i hadn't posted this. Apparently a facial and letting the drunk drive is the solution to me being desperately sad and at my wits end. Perhaps YOU'D like to shout at me more @LostittoBostik . I'm out.

He's not going to stop drinking unless he wants to and he's trying to make you responsible for his behaviour.

Bringing children up with an alcoholic is very destructive and families of alcoholics tend to be dysfunctional.

You can focus on your own behaviour, not his as you're obsessed with his drinking, like all codependents. First you have to face the fact that you are powerless over his behaviour. Absolutely nothing you do will change it.

Second, I'd join Al Anon which is for the loved ones of alcoholics. There are also groups for children as this concerns the whole family.

I'd read up on codependency, Codependency No More is good but there are other books. You're going to have to put up with this for the rest of your life, how does that feel?

I’m sorry you’re in this position.

I think you don’t realise how much agency you do have.
As you have seen, he has tried to make his drinking (and his not drinking) your problem. You got angry, which is completely understandable, but you didn’t say “I am declining to be responsible for your alcoholism or any negative effects it has on your health, your career or our marriage. If I choose to leave your sagging alcoholic arse, that’s your lookout. “

Also, people aren’t stupid, they will not be at all shocked. Many people will recognise signs from their own childhood. So feel free to start asking for support.

I will also say that you recognized that some quarters will criticize you for leaving, and others for staying. So given that you’re going to be criticized by someone anyway, why not just please yourself, or at least protect your kids from having an actively alcoholic parent.

Leaving my ex who was an alcoholic was the best thing I ever did. Yes it was hard, scary etc. but life on the other side is a million times better than I ever imagined.

I absolutely hear you, OP. I’ve recently moved close to my DM who I’ve just discovered is a long term secret alcoholic, and sounds very like your DH. Weeks / months of sobriety and then suddenly out of nowhere she’s drunk first thing in the morning and getting through a bottle of vodka a day. Refuses any help to quit drinking, says ‘you’re all the support I need!’ And ‘I just need you to call me out on it.’

If I try to prevent her from driving drunk I’m being co-dependent and controlling, according to my Al Anon group. But I think I do have a moral responsibility as a citizen to other road users. If I sat back and knowingly watched her drive drunk, and she ran someone over I don’t think I could live with myself, and I imagine I’d have some kind of legal liability as well. I don’t think it’s fair to other uninvolved parties to sit back in my serenity and let her hit rock bottom in her own sweet time, potentially at the expense of other people’s lives.

My M is also elderly, and I’m very confused about the boundaries of my responsibility. I can’t tell anymore what could be dementia and what’s just her being pissed; what could be Parkinson’s and what’s just DT. I don’t know how much she is capable of anymore. And everyone else in my life and hers sees her as the sweetest kindest old lady, and me as the daughter who’s not doing enough to help.

It’s a nightmare. The duplicity and the secrecy and being the only other person who knows is just too much.

You’re codependent on your husband’s addiction Op, you asked for advice and then mock the advice given.

The only thing for you to do OP is to leave, this has been going on for 25 years now - why would you think it's ever going to change? You cannot change him you can only do what is best for you. The choices are for you to continue to live with an alcoholic or to leave.

A drunk person can get a taxi, or if they over the limit and still tries to drink drive you call the police, the drunk person has to deal with the consequences.

Concentrate on doing what's best for your children. Which means leaving him.

@VoltaireMittyDream You really should start your own thread. I would call the police if someone I knew was drink driving. They'll take away her license, so problem solved.

God @LostittoBostik bet you wish you'd never said anything!!!

I heard her as asking for a wider range of support than the strict Al Anon dogma (go to a meeting! Keep coming back! It works if you work it!) which not everyone finds helpful straight away, or at all.

I found my Al Anon meetings quite unhelpful, as there was so little nuance - and nobody there had actually left their abusive alcoholic partners, and were instead raising children in chaotic environments while feeling smug about how well they were healing from their disease of feeling responsible towards anyone other than themselves. I didn’t see anyone’s life there that I wanted to emulate.

I recognise there is a lot of variation between meetings, but it can take a lot of time to find a good one. I think people deserve a bit of grace and compassion rather than hectoring (which is kinda controlling and codependent, when you think about it).

His primary relationship is with alcohol & his whole life & everyone in it are just pieces on a chess board that he can manoeuvre about & manipulate to ease his ability to drink. You’ve asked him to stop many times, he won’t. If you left him, he wouldn’t stop to get you back he’d drink more and say it’s because you left him. He’d never admit it but apart from the practicalities - you keeping his admin, home life etc in order - he’d probably be relieved you’d gone underneath it all because now he can focus on his real love. I know this is probably hard to read but it’s true. I was married to an often functioning alcoholic for over a decade. We could have a few weeks of abstinence or moderate drinking and then we’d have “a bender” where he drank from the moment he opened his eyes in the morning for up to two weeks. Then a break and lots of apologies, several months and off he went again. He ruined every Christmas for a decade with it, because “it’s Christmas, everyone likes a drink at Christmas, don’t be so uptight!”

This will destroy you if you stay and your children will know and will hate it but have a higher than usual chance of becoming alcoholics themselves. Leaving is the only option.

The only way to deal with that stress is to walk away from it. You can’t cure or control his drinking.

My DH is a high functioning alcoholic. It's hard to explain the impact of it to people although I do think it's a very common issue at least around our area. But because he doesnt get drunk or tipsy, liver scans and tests came out clean and he's able to function normally then it's hard to explain the impact of it. It's mostly energy levels, but also the future concerns of long term use. Neither of us can drive so that's not an issue for us. But I definitely worry for his future. I also worry what is causing his drinking, is it mental health issues, anxiety, depression, stress?