Help

[Whystop]

Been living with an alcoholic now for over 5 years. I have a 8 year old boy.. So scared to leave my wife and don't know why.. My wife refuses to accept she's an alcoholic. Crazy to think I'm saying I can cope with her drinking and now im saying her anger is acceptable. Please tell me the controlling and drinking stops. So scared to let my Son down.. Life is so crap

I’m sorry OP but you’re letting him down by making him live with an alcoholic.

Leave now with your son and don't look back. It drains the life out of you living with a selfish addict...who won't admit they have a problem or ever want to change...carrying the burden/making excuses/financing them/lying to friends and family to cover up for them etc etc. I got to the point where I'd rather of driven into a tree than go home. I left with my son who was 8 at the time and his dad died 12 months later from liver cirrhosis. Get out while you can. Take care and good luck.

This is a hard situation to be in.

If your wife cannot accept there is a problem, there is nothing you can do but remove yourself from the situation with your son. Alcoholics cannot control their drinking I'm afraid. Until she wants to change, she won't change.

Have you spoken to her about the impact this is having on the family?

As someone who had an alcoholic dad that drunk himself to death I would say please please leave with your child so they can have a normal childhood. You live on egg shells when you have an alcoholic parent especially if they have outbursts etc. I am so sorry but you cannot help an alcoholic they have to help themselves. All you can do is safeguard your child from them.

How can Mumsnet help? You know what you need to do. If your wife doesn't accept she's an alcoholic then nothing is going to change.

Enlist the help of a friend or relative and make your plan. You will need some friendly support. Start by going to a solicitor to set the divorce in motion.

Don't keep your son in your toxic household for a minute longer than you have to.

I genuinely feel your pain. I have started al anon, at first I was skeptical and didn’t want to reach out and admit this was truly happening. I am finding I am too quick to separate the alcoholic from the person, but all this does is keep you living in a hope that you hold no control over coming. Whilst you continue to provide a comfortable home and pick up the peices, why would the other person change? As hard as it is move out and move on, you need space to heal yourself and your child. Get support for you.

I just suppose the hope one day something stops her from drinking.. I have started to look for somewere to rent now. So scared to afford the existing mortgage and remt
After meting up with the social services it's just got a lot worse this week. The anger drinking name calling is out of control. I still don't understand how me and my son have to leave our home for his safety and she gets to stay. So angry with the system

Well done on making the first step. Why are you having to move? Can social work help you and your son stay there? It's your sons home and he should not have to leave. Can you afford a solicitor or get legal aid to help? I am sorry for what you and your son are going through but your doing the right thing.

I hear that. The wish is to have back the person. I’m told it’s possible but they alone are the only ones that can control this. Try to focus on what you can control - safety of your child, your well being. If you can put boundaries in place such as no alcohol at home (that isn’t something I haven’t achieved sadly) can you remove yourself from the ‘line of fire’ and detach from the time of day where it gets to the ‘black dogs’ arrival? There is a very interesting read called A Merry Go Round Named Denial, it’s helps look at things differently. I found this really helpful to reduce my (unknown) input into the angry moments, or lead up to them. Speak to the Al Anon help line and there are podcasts to listen to if you can’t get to a meeting or zoom. It can be tricky with younger dependents, work and carrying the whole load. Try and reach out to people close to support you. Eat well, rest and try to do something positive for you each day even if it’s something small.

This could be the thing that makes her realise the extent of her problem. You’re doing the right thing even though I appreciate it would be easier for your son if you could stay put and she had to leave. That’s not ‘the system’ being broken, its a selfish mother not putting her child first.