AIBU to expect some praise from DH?

[WalkOnTheLeft]

This might turn out to be long-winded but I’m trying to avoid drip-feeding.

DH has an issue with my alcohol intake. I have a difficult relationship with alcohol and it upsets DH. I know I need to make a change and I’ve previously done dry Jan etc, but as soon as it’s finished I go right back to square one. Anyway, it’s become a bit of a ‘thing’ between us and I think it could damage our relationship (which is already struggling).

Before Christmas, I agreed with DH that I would do 100 days without alcohol and see if that helped to change my attitude towards drinking. Today is Day 11. Of course it’s been Christmas, we’ve had family birthdays, meals out, and get togethers where there has been lots of alcohol around, and now it’s NYE.

AIBU to feel deflated that DH hasn’t acknowledged my efforts (and success) to abstain? It’s not been easy for me. I asked him on one evening if he was proud of me and he kind of said “well yeah” in a tone as if I was asking for praise for brushing my teeth or similar, iykwim. Very dismissive. I told him that it would be helpful to have some encouragement and positive reinforcement, but none has been offered since.

Just feel a bit glum.

Well done on 11 days!

Perhaps your DH is reluctant to give praise for something rather early on in the 100 days? Or perhaps because it's an issue around alcohol / your relationship, he's unable to separate his feelings around the situation from what you're currently trying to do?

Get yourself some positive reinforcement from yourself - affirmations are fab! Don't rely on him for that 😃

Don't do it to get praise from him, do it for yourself. Yes, it would be really nice if he was more encouraging, and it must be demoralising. But forget about his reaction and just concentrate on how it is making you healthier. If you have supportive friends, talk to them about it instead.
Although I do think he's being a dismissive sick!

Adding my well done for 11 days! That must have been really hard over Christmas.

Just a thought, have you said you’ll stop before and not? I wonder if maybe he’s lost faith in you?

I will also say that some people genuinely don’t understand how hard it can be to stop. My DH has the opinion, if you want to stop then just stop. He doesn’t understand the real struggle that it can be for some people me.

Are you going to an AA group? You'll get support and praise there. You have done well to keep going through the Xmas period, undoubtedly. It does seem like he can't shake off past issues around this which is why I would look elsewhere for validation.

I guess your DH feels as I did re my late DH's smoking i.e. 'I'll believe it when I see it.'
He has been disappointed in the past that you couldn't control your drinking and doesn't want to get his hopes up or be too enthusiastic.

Please do get help & support elsewhere as your real problem is that you need to take control as this issue could wreck your marriage.

Thank you everyone. I am pleased with myself for achieving 11 days over Christmas. I’ve never had a sober Christmas since I started drinking when I was about 12 (and even occasionally prior to that so maybe longer!) However, I don’t feel any joy in it at the moment.

Whilst we’ve talked about my drinking and the problems it causes, and I’ve agreed that things need to change, I haven’t ever really said that I will stop drinking. Whenever I set a target I can usually do it (e.g dry January) but come 1st Feb it’s right back into old habits.

I’m hoping that 100 days will be enough to see some positive benefits.

I haven’t joined any groups or anything. I don’t think AA is for me, I’m not religious and I understand there’s a heavy religious take on it? Also, joining a group makes me feel like I’m admitting something that I don’t feel is quite true

What kind of problems is your drinking causing to your relationship? Is your DH's view of your alcohol intake purely based on how much you drink, or is there more to it than that?

It sounds as though you're still in denial to some extent, if you're saying that joining a group will be like admitting something you don't feel is quite true. Are you really being honest with yourself OP? You've been drinking since you were 12. How old are you now and how much do you actually drink?

Eleven days is brilliant, especially over the festive period, so congratulations for that. I hope you can continue to 100 days and more. The alcohol will be doing a lot of cumulative damage to your organs.

Well done, really. That's a great achievement.

But... you're a long way from tackling your problematic relationship and you are probably underestimating how much this has affected your H. People with an alcoholic in their family will understand why he is being cagey after only 11 days.

Are you getting any outside support? It sounds like you would really benefit from it.

*problematic relationship with alcohol I meant.

AA is based on spiritual principles, not religious. I know many decades-sober AA members who are completely atheist but still work the program.

There are lots of AA meetings that take place on zoom, including women's meetings, agnostic meetings, beginners meetings and many more. If you want to pm me I'd be happy to share links.

Well done on 11 days ♥️ your husband us a normal drinker and won't appreciate how hard this is for you. It takes a long time for our families to regain trust especially when they've watched us go back to the bottle many times in the past.

I think it's a personal thing and if you want him to congratulate you on not drinking will you be happy for him to comment if you do have a drink one day?

This would surely make it an issue if you lapse rather than a blip? Personally I'd ask him not to comment, but I would freely say "wow, I'm proud of myself this week" and expect him to agree!

OP, you should be so proud of yourself. It’s a great achievement and should pat yourself on the back. It’s so hard to not drink in this country when all social occasions seem to revolve so heavily around alcohol.

Can I ask: do you think he’s a bit reserved as he’s perhaps thinking that after 100 days you’ll just go back to drinking again and nothing will have changed? Are you planning to try to hit the next 100 days after you reach the first 100?

I say this gently, as I had a family member who had a problematic relationship with alcohol that affected everyone around her, but if it’s affecting your relationship with your husband enough that it gets discussed a lot, you probably do need to attend something like AA and you also probably need to quit permanently, not just for 100 days. My family member thought every time she “went dry” for a few months it would reset her and she’d be able to drink in moderation in future and be a nicer more controlled drinker, but she slipped right back almost immediately. It made us all very sad, and she was always in denial she had a problem.

I applaud you for making such a big decision over Christmas and New Year, and you should be so proud of knowing that if you can stick to your guns over this period it will be much easier through January (when everyone tends to drink less anyway and some do dry January). Don’t let your husband put you off by not being enthusiastic. Be your own biggest cheerleader!!

I’m 34 so that’s around 22 years of drinking. I used to be a binge drinker on nights out but over the last 10 years or so it’s become more of a routine, drinking at home. DH doesn’t drink so it’s just me and I’ll often have half a bottle of wine. So it’s not excessive volume but the frequency.

Having said that, I do have a tendency of drinking too much on nights out and becoming incredibly dysregulated. Get myself into horribly dangerous situations

Alcohol seems to exacerbate whatever I’m feeling. And I’m often feeling quite down (I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember) so it often makes me tearful. When I am drunk I can become self-destructive.

I feel so incredibly sad at the moment writing all this, I’m sorry.

Congrats on the abstinence so far. Be careful you don’t fall into the trap of blaming his lack of expressed support for you falling off the wagon. Do it for yourself; don’t look for or expect a pat on the back for your efforts.

Are you being honest with yourself about how much you do actually drink?

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I lied to myself for years. The most difficult part for me was accepting I am an alcoholic.
I loved drink. It became my best friend. I couldn't imagine life without it.
However I hit a rock bottom like I could never have never imagined. I've been attending AA for 2 years now.I've turned my whole life around.

Please do find people/professionals to support you OP. Genuinely, there is an absolutely brilliant life waiting for you on the other side of this.

I don’t really know what my goal is after 100 days. I fear I might be like @IBlameYourMother ’s family
member and just go right back to the start. I don’t see how I can ‘do’ life without alcohol and I’m not sure I want to I don’t know what I’m expecting.

I’m scared to ask for help.

Please don’t be scared. The people I know who have asked for help have turned their lives around and are now happier and healthier than they’ve ever been, or ever thought they could be.

Take it for the 100 days first. Then, maybe think about the next 100. The friend I have who has done it most successfully doesn’t say she will never drink again. She just keeps setting another target every time she reaches her current one.

You can do this. You are enough on your own, you don’t need the drink to be a whole, amazing person.

If you're the partner of someone who becomes "incredibly dysregulated" when drinking, who repeatedly puts themselves into dangerous situations, and/or who becomes depressed to the point of self destructiveness, then that is a huge burden. You end up dreading every time they pick up a glass because you know there's a good chance the evening is going to end disastrously and at best you're going to be left at best trying to pick up the pieces, and at worst needing to rescue them from the horrible position they've just placed themselves in. And if that person has repeatedly told you they were going to get their drinking under control and repeatedly failed, you will inevitably be guarded the next time they say that this time it'll be different. Particularly if their plan amounts to "I won't drink for a few months but after that, well, who knows?"

I think you really need to consider what it is about an alcohol-free life that scares you so much. You may find the book "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp informative.

Well done on the 11 days, that's a big achievement especially over Christmas. I think you do need to start to appreciate that your drinking is not just about you, and doesn't just affect you. As the drinker you will never understand the apprehension and fear that he feels around your drinking and the potential for things to go very wrong when you can't control or regulate yourself while drinking. It's a ball in the pit of your stomach and he just can't let his guard down yet, you ve given up for a month at a time before and gone straight back to it once you ve set the target you had, your target has ever been to actually give it up, which is what he wants. Obviously he can't dictate to you, you don't think you really have a problem and these targets you set yourself just confirm in your own mind that it's not a problem and you are in control but your DH is just not going to see things the same way, his experience if your drinking is different to your iwn

I don’t see how I can ‘do’ life without alcohol and I’m not sure I want to

This is very common and understandable. There is a tonne of sober lit out there - books, podcasts, websites etc. I would recommend you start googling.

Honestly, life without alcohol is just like life with alcohol, except you don't have the self-loathing, the physical and mental health issues, the damaged relationships, the morning after fear and regret...

@WalkOnTheLeft well done on your 11 days, that’s brilliant.

All I would say is don’t think too far ahead.

You will feel very different after 100 days compared to how you currently feel. The first 30 days are grim.

Read The Naked Mind by Annie Grace if you haven’t already. She explains the process so well.

Just keep going, one day at a time.

Good luck, keep going, you can do it, but remember you’re doing it for yourself, because you deserve to be well and happy x

Good on you for doing 11 days, and at the most challenging time of year too, that is incredible!

A lot of what you say really resonates with me.

Have you look at online forums for support? I found they really helped me, especially in the very early days.

Do you have anyone in real life that could act as a mentor and support for you? For me, one of the things that helped me hugely was my amazing brother in law, who went sober just over four years ago. Opening up to him helped me hugely, making me feel accountable to an outside person, who knew the struggle, and would encourage me.

It may be that your husband is cynical, after previous efforts, but it would possibly help with that if you explain to him that while you are doing this for you (I really hope you are, because you are the one most worthy of such a huge effort on your part), it is also to benefit him, your relationship, and your family, and it would really help if he could see and acknowledge your effort sometimes. It doesn't have to be huge, rose petals strewn in your path, sign writing in the air, kind of a deal, but the benefits of a quiet, 'well done, I could see this was a challenge tonight, and you didn't buckle', knows no bounds.

As my wonderful and wise BIL said to me, the first 100 days are a bitch, especially if you're white knuckling it. After that, ironically, it does get easier! I empathise with your not having known a sober Christmas since you were 12 - by 13, looking back, I was alcohol dependent already - and it's bloody hard to find new rituals, habits and coping mechanisms, when it's such an entrenched part of your life!

Two things that helped me in the early days, are sober literature (especially 'Mrs D is going without'), and journalling.

Also, you might want to reach out to your GP for some help, yours might not be as fucking useless as mine!

Sending you support, strength, and solidarity. Kia kaha - be strong! You got this, baby puppy!

Can I recommend reading “Smashed: Growing up a drunk girl”? It really resonated with me and helped me reframe my relationship with drinking.