I would like to be sober but...

[Elizabeth1789]

...I don't want people to think I'm boring. I am mid 40s with a career and children and I know it's ridiculous to worry about people thinking I'm boring, but whenever I contemplate stopping alcohol I am immediately transported back to my university, which had a very heavy drinking culture and where I constantly felt incredibly uncool and not accepted.

I am not a heavy drinker, and very rarely drink if home normally, but when seeing friends/family I don't want to not drink and be seen as boring, or to stand out for not drinking. My mum used to drink every night and I think in some ways was a functioning alcoholic. She still drinks every night now, but less. I know she would think it was weird if I didn't drink, and think I was a being a bit boring. My husband's family is quite upper middle class (far posher than me!) and they all knock back the wine regularly, and again I feel I would be boring and stand out.

My reason for wanting not to drink is that it really affects my mental health. I am generally quite a positive person but I can be very anxious, and drinking - even a glass or two - can really aggravate that. Everything is better when I don't drink. I've done stints of 40 days or so before. I am a nicer person, a better parent, happier with my husband.

I guess I don't want to stand out at all. I've never felt like I fitted in anywhere and this would just be an added thing that marks me out.

Any advice greatly appreciated thank you.

Given I mentioned to a close family member that I was considering going alcohol free in 2025 and the response was that they thought “only people with a serious problem go that extreme” I can understand the concern.

All I can say is that, for me, this makes me want to do it more. Make it normal. Make it easier for others. Because tbh, I don’t care what anyone things and really, I won’t have to make a big deal. Just politely decline.

Hopefully that improves mental state you find when you are alcohol free will lead to the confidence to not care if other people think it’s not the norm. If it makes you healthier then it’s a good thing. Good luck.

Why not try it and see how it goes? It sounds like you’re talking yourself out of something you know has a tangible benefit just because of something that might happen.

I’m coming up to 2 years sober. I literally have the exact same conversation every time I go out with the same people (who can’t remember we had this conversation last time because they were too drunk!) about how I don’t drink anymore and they are surprised every time. No one would have guessed I wasn’t drinking. People assume I am and don’t comment or ask any questions. People may very well think I’m boring but it wouldn’t be because I don’t drink. If anything, people tend to be really curious.

I know a lot of sober people as well and they are anything but boring. One thing you may find is that your tolerance for bullshit and boring people is less. I definitely find other people a lot more boring and tedious now. 😂 The alcohol used to allow me to put up with them even when they were wearing on me! I can’t cope with them as easily now. But I just keep things short and sweet and I go home when they get on my nerves. Usually by this time, they’ve had enough to drink to not notice and they can’t remember the next day anyway.

You have to want sobriety for irs own sake and to hell with other people’s opinions. But be honest is it your opinion really - do you think non drinkers are boring? If so you maybe need to do some work on why think that. Personally I think that consuming alcohol or not is not what makes someone boring or not and that there’s not much more boring than a drunk

My mental health has improved so much since I gave up the booze.

People accuse you of being boring because it's easier to drag you into their drinking culture than it is for them to admit they have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. They don't want a mirror held up to their own behaviour.
It's not boring to look after your own physical and mental health. It should be applauded. I don't drink but I still go out and socialise. People who are drinking won't notice what you are drinking yourself after a few anyway and there are often AF beers and wines you order at the Bar anyway.

Being sober isn’t boring, it’s more fun because you’re alert longer. I have much more fun evenings without booze than I had when drinking.

Give yourself a social excuse (Dry January, giving it up for Lent, etc) and you’ll find people are much more relaxed about it. It means they don’t feel you’re judging them for their drinking, which in my experience is where the prickly attitude comes from.

I don't drink and I'm not boring. Tbh people who are drunk are boring as they ramble on and repeat themselves while slurring! What fun!🙄

I find drunk people boring.
The world's experts on everything, repeating the same old tripe, while everyone around them walks on eggshells, in case they overstep the mark (like they've done so many times before)

Did I mention what fabulous dancers they are, too??

Far better to stay sober (ish) and watch the fun, I think.

I haven't drank in 15 years ! Never had a problem with it really , it just changed who I was and I didn't like it and my sibling and mother are alcoholics. I was 21 when I quit and these days in my mid 30s I find a lot of friends will now go for nights out and not drink. Nobody bats an eye lid these days while when I gave up it was social suicide

Just tell them. If they make judgey comments about you then just shrug your shoulders and change the subject, you're an adult and are allowed to make your own decisions. If someone doesn't like that then they suggests there's an issue with them not you.

I really think it's time to start embracing being 'uncool' whatever that means and that you aren't going to be accepted by everyone - and that that may be because they have a whole host of issues and insecurities themselves.

Just enjoy being yourself even if that's the least cool, most misunderstood person in the room. As an aside you're not neurodiverse are you? Feeling on the edge of things your whole life would be a pretty common experience.

Probably not great advice but I would say I get really bad migraines now if I drink so I can’t touch a drop.

@Elizabeth1789 I don’t drink alcohol either-But these days it’s much more acceptable to be a non alcohol drinker.

No need to feel pressured into drinking.
🙂

The only thing worse is when coke is added
to the mix and it becomes insufferable, as loudness ramps up tenfold. 😫.

Don’t make a big deal about it. Just ask for a non alcoholic drink and if questioned just say you are off alcohol at the moment for health reasons. Or try to arrange to be driving. The migraine excuse is a good one. It’s true for a lot of people. If you are given an alcoholic drink just hold it and put it down somewhere discreetly. People won’t be paying any attention if you don’t make a big deal of it.

@Elizabeth1789 I am coming up to 7 months AF and I can honestly say the only people who bat an eye-lid at my decision are people who drink far far far too much themselves.

And, I am still exactly the same person, enjoyi g the same (and more) activities.

I still like socialising and dancing and having a laugh, I am just remember every detail of every activity and never have any shame.

I do find drunk people get boring after an hour or so and want to leave (and this was actually one of the reasons I started drinking in the first place) but I now realise it is THEM not ME who are the boring ones. They become sloppy and repetitive, incoherent and rambling.

The biggest revelation to me was the sober pub quiz! It was a real hoot.

I know it feels daunting but if it helps, just start with dry January and try not to isolate yourself from normal social occasions too much (obcs do initially if you find them triggering) .

I don't make too much of a deal of being AF either, I just go along and order a non-alcoholic option. Or take my own.

There is nothing more boring than people who think non-drinkers are boring. @KayVess nailed it.

Don't worry. You are not as boring as people who worry about whether you are drinking.

Busy yourself with finding tasty, enjoyable alternative drinks.

Mix up some mocktails.
Make up iced water with sliced cucumber, fuit, mint, lemon
Make your own kombucha.
Try tonic water alone, I find them nicer than with alcohol.
Try mixing juices - pinapple juice with ginger etc.
Try non alcoholic beers,find your favourite.
Iced tea is a favourite of mine.
Learn to love water; it is the best thirst quencher.

It's not something you need to announce to people. Just quietly get on with it if that is what you want.

If you're boring without booze, oh well. Who cares?

You've got to stop giving a shit what other people think.

You don’t need to tell them. Just say ‘not today’ or ‘I can’t at the moment’, ‘I’m driving.’ ‘big day tomorrow’. It doesn’t really matter what, just have a few responses prepared in advance.

Most people won’t remember that you brushed it off last time and they probably won’t think about you drinking at all.

I don’t drink (never agreed with me) and nobody comments. If the think I’m boring I really don’t care!

I think we've all grown up since then. I'm in my 40s and school, uni and my 20s and 30s were all about having fun and everyone drank, you got called boring if you didn't join in with the shots etc. My social life still involves dinner parties, nights out and balls etc and I do enjoy a NICE glass of champagne or wine (all about the quality rather than quantity now!) but I wouldn't think twice if someone ordered a sparkling water or said they didn't drink. And I've never heard anyone else judge.

I think it's great! But if you feel worried, to start you could always say you're driving or on meds etc, then just say you've been feeling much better having not drunk for a while. I don't think anyone can argue with that!!!

Thank you for all your messages everyone.
@Gem359 I’ve often wondered if I am ASD, it certainly runs in my family and I have always felt on the outside looking in.
I think I will definitely do dry January because nobody bats an eyelid at that as lots of you have pointed out. It’s strange because my brother doesn’t drink at all apart from a beer once in a blue moon, and I don’t think he’s remotely boring! I had a really rubbish time at university and felt very boring, and even though it was years ago it really affected me. Thank you everyone. X

You need to step back and realize that heavy drinkers are monotonous and boring as hell. They can’t hold an interesting conversation. Sure, they are the “life of the party”, but other people are looking at them like they are idiots.

interesting people get together and talk about books and current events. They play games. They don’t need alcohol to keep the evening going.