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Original poster

Daughter in rehab

40 replies

BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 17:29

44 year old daughter gone into rehab after finally admitting she has a drink problem. Lost her marriage, now living with us, her two teenage children are happy living with their dad at the moment. Fortunately, they still love her so much and just want her to get well.
We have tried everyday, stopping her having drink, causing terrible arguments, but she was always grateful the next morning. To do this we had to almost keep her prisoner or follow her. We are now 70 and this got impossible for us and we had no life. We then said ok drink, but in front of us. This didn't work as she would buy and hide drink and also drink in our company, so doubling what she was previously drinking. A big bust up lead to the rehab.
Is there anyone out there who has advice on how to treat her when she comes out. We are thinking about going to al- anon, but difficult as we don't drive anymore.
When she is sober she is the most loving person you could wish to meet.
Grateful for any advice.

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 06/12/2024 17:33

can you search for a good rehab facility in your area of the country? maybe a talk with your GP would get you guys in the right direction. alcoholism is no joke, it destroys peoples lives. You're no MH professionals and not equipped to properly deal with this situation hence the reason I recommend taking her to rehab for a few months, have the professional handle her. I also know that nowadays there's pills to stop alcohol addiction hence a visit to her GP would be mandatory.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 06/12/2024 17:35

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/find-a-meeting/
Would an online meeting be accessible for you? They seem to be an option

Greenstonecurt · 06/12/2024 17:37

Ignore first poster who hasn’t read your OP.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s devastating and life impacting and I can’t imagine doing it at your age. I’ve been there with a family member, the prisoner keeping, the allowing them to drink - every word you’ve said.. you’re not alone.

As for coming out - honestly I don’t think anything you will do will make or break it. It has to be on them, they need to chose to be sober every day. Hopefully the facility will support you too.

Take the time to look after yourself while they’re away.

Thinking of you.

Rocknrollstar · 06/12/2024 17:38

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it
Only your DD can help herself.
I’m afraid it is usual for alcoholics to relapse so be prepared for this. Rehab on its own will not stop her drinking. She has to want to and will need counselling and support when she comes home which shouldn’t be to your house. You need to think of yourselves and your health. She can go to AA meetings online.

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 06/12/2024 19:11

Hi OP, so sorry that you are going through this. How long is your daughter's rehab, and does it focus on a 12 step programme?

I have known many, many alcoholics come out of rehab who have stayed sober IF they continue with the programme - many rehabs take them through the first three steps and they are encouraged to find a sponsor and to continue with the steps and meetings after rehab.

The opposite of addiction is connection and getting to meetings, either face to face or on Zoom, will be what your daughter will be advised to do. As a PP said, Al Anon offers support for you and there are also online meetings. Ultimately as you already know, it's your daughter who must desperately want sobriety as much as she has craved alcohol.

Sending you much love.

Sicario · 06/12/2024 19:22

I am so sorry you are going through this.

There is no helping an alcoholic. They can only help themselves.

You're going to need rock solid boundaries. Only you can decide what your boundaries are. They might include telling her that if she drinks again she will not be welcome in your house.

I divorced an alcoholic, and the last I heard he was still ruining other people's lives.

AlienOrOtherwise · 06/12/2024 19:42

My heart goes out to you all.
I recommend online meetings by Smart Recovery. If the UK meeting times don't suit just search US and Australia smart recovery online meetings on google, they normally welcome people from other areas joining their meetings
https://smartrecovery.org.uk/online-meetings/
I recommend you try different meetings as you might connect to a certain style or a vibe of a meeting facilitator more.

They have a good book that I recommend you get
smartrecovery.org.uk/product/family-friends-handbook/

I would also ask rehab for advice or resources if you haven't already.

I wish you all peace and healing. Hopefully next Christmas will have you all united in happiness and health. You are doing more than most in not giving up on your daughter, thank you and I'm sorry you are all going through this.

About Online Meetings - UK SMART Recovery

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/online-meetings

Supersimkin7 · 06/12/2024 19:52

You can talk all you like, and worry, but there’s a single truth: Only DD can keep herself sober.

Bear that in mind as you prioritise yourselves and her DC.

DD isn’t the most important person in the room. Sober or drunk.

Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:23

Greenstonecurt · 06/12/2024 17:37

Ignore first poster who hasn’t read your OP.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s devastating and life impacting and I can’t imagine doing it at your age. I’ve been there with a family member, the prisoner keeping, the allowing them to drink - every word you’ve said.. you’re not alone.

As for coming out - honestly I don’t think anything you will do will make or break it. It has to be on them, they need to chose to be sober every day. Hopefully the facility will support you too.

Take the time to look after yourself while they’re away.

Thinking of you.

Thank you for your kind words and sorry to hear you have had this experience too.
Someone supposed to be calling tomorrow, so I will try and find out if there is any aftercare for her and us.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:26

Rocknrollstar · 06/12/2024 17:38

You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it
Only your DD can help herself.
I’m afraid it is usual for alcoholics to relapse so be prepared for this. Rehab on its own will not stop her drinking. She has to want to and will need counselling and support when she comes home which shouldn’t be to your house. You need to think of yourselves and your health. She can go to AA meetings online.

Thanks for what you have said as you can't help blaming yourselves. My other daughter has no problems at all.

OP posts:
familyissues12345 · 06/12/2024 20:29

Which area of the country are you in @BeSnugEagle ?

Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:30

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 06/12/2024 19:11

Hi OP, so sorry that you are going through this. How long is your daughter's rehab, and does it focus on a 12 step programme?

I have known many, many alcoholics come out of rehab who have stayed sober IF they continue with the programme - many rehabs take them through the first three steps and they are encouraged to find a sponsor and to continue with the steps and meetings after rehab.

The opposite of addiction is connection and getting to meetings, either face to face or on Zoom, will be what your daughter will be advised to do. As a PP said, Al Anon offers support for you and there are also online meetings. Ultimately as you already know, it's your daughter who must desperately want sobriety as much as she has craved alcohol.

Sending you much love.

Thank you so much for being so kind. Everything you say is so true, it is only her that can do it. She is there for four weeks, all we could afford, and she said they will set a plan up for AA meetings. I have also done my homework on this and there are plenty of Aa meetings around the area.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:31

BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:30

Thank you so much for being so kind. Everything you say is so true, it is only her that can do it. She is there for four weeks, all we could afford, and she said they will set a plan up for AA meetings. I have also done my homework on this and there are plenty of Aa meetings around the area.

Show quote history

It is based on the 12 steps.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:33

Sicario · 06/12/2024 19:22

I am so sorry you are going through this.

There is no helping an alcoholic. They can only help themselves.

You're going to need rock solid boundaries. Only you can decide what your boundaries are. They might include telling her that if she drinks again she will not be welcome in your house.

I divorced an alcoholic, and the last I heard he was still ruining other people's lives.

So sorry for what you have gone through. It is so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:35

AlienOrOtherwise · 06/12/2024 19:42

My heart goes out to you all.
I recommend online meetings by Smart Recovery. If the UK meeting times don't suit just search US and Australia smart recovery online meetings on google, they normally welcome people from other areas joining their meetings
https://smartrecovery.org.uk/online-meetings/
I recommend you try different meetings as you might connect to a certain style or a vibe of a meeting facilitator more.

They have a good book that I recommend you get
smartrecovery.org.uk/product/family-friends-handbook/

I would also ask rehab for advice or resources if you haven't already.

I wish you all peace and healing. Hopefully next Christmas will have you all united in happiness and health. You are doing more than most in not giving up on your daughter, thank you and I'm sorry you are all going through this.

You are so kind. Thank you for telling me about Smart. Going to contact them tomorrow.

OP posts:
Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 06/12/2024 20:37

@BeSnugEagle that's great that there are plenty of meetings around and that it's a 12 step programme. I didn't do rehab but I have been in AA for approaching 20 years. I was a 24/7 drinker who couldn't imagine life without alcohol. In fact, the act of stopping caused hallucinations and seizures so I was physically as well as psychologically addicted.

It seems a very long time ago and in other ways not that long ago. I've seen so many success stories in AA that I feel very positive about the programme - but, like everything else, it's all about how much the alcoholic wants sobriety.

I also know how hideous it is to be a bystander while someone you love continues to drink.

Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:37

familyissues12345 · 06/12/2024 20:29

Which area of the country are you in @BeSnugEagle ?

Suffolk

OP posts:
Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 06/12/2024 20:41

Thewalrusandthecarpenter · 06/12/2024 20:37

@BeSnugEagle that's great that there are plenty of meetings around and that it's a 12 step programme. I didn't do rehab but I have been in AA for approaching 20 years. I was a 24/7 drinker who couldn't imagine life without alcohol. In fact, the act of stopping caused hallucinations and seizures so I was physically as well as psychologically addicted.

It seems a very long time ago and in other ways not that long ago. I've seen so many success stories in AA that I feel very positive about the programme - but, like everything else, it's all about how much the alcoholic wants sobriety.

I also know how hideous it is to be a bystander while someone you love continues to drink.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. You are an inspiration in how you have come so far. It proves it canbe done. Thank you.

OP posts:
amlie8 · 07/12/2024 07:23

Supersimkin7 · 06/12/2024 19:52

You can talk all you like, and worry, but there’s a single truth: Only DD can keep herself sober.

Bear that in mind as you prioritise yourselves and her DC.

DD isn’t the most important person in the room. Sober or drunk.

Yes, agreed. Just because the kids seem to be ok, doesn't mean they are. They need things explaining and they need to be listened to.

username299 · 07/12/2024 07:31

You're in a very difficult situation because you can't make her stop.

All you can do is have boundaries and stick to them. For example, she attends meetings, she stays sober or she leaves.

Meanwhile you can attend Al Anon meetings online.

MJMJMJMJ · 07/12/2024 07:41

I could easily be an alcoholic.

I was brought up by functional alcoholics. My parents still drink alcohol everyday at least 10 units a day. Their livers are fine too as they have regular private scans which, I guess is genetics.

My entire family are heavy drinkers. I gave up for weeks, months and years but still craved it. Luckily, I am a bit of a wine snob so only liking certain wines (expensive) meant that the cost was my only control at times.

It was a battle for me everyday to not drink alcohol.

I know this is controversial but if she is obese and fits the criteria I have found that Mounjaro has made it so much easier for me to not crave alcohol. Even when I go out with my friends (I was always the last one standing). The urge to drink alcohol has gone.

AA online anywhere in the country has meetings everyday. I found this helpful at times.

mbosnz · 07/12/2024 11:46

I am an alcohol addict, currently in recovery.

The responsibility, along with the power, not to drink, is mine, and mine alone. I cannot put it on to anyone else. Otherwise it becomes part of the 'game' to evade it and drink, and make it someone else's problem/fault.

That's what keeps me honest, even when no one else is there, and it would be oh so easy to slip into the pub for a quick one, or grab a bottle of wine when getting the groceries. No one else would know. But I would. And my daily count is more precious to me than a glass or a bottle. More than that, my children and husband's pride, trust and faith in me, is worth more than anything.

One way or another, your daughter needs to come to that, you cannot do that for her. It's a bit like the opposite, of the old adage, 'you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.' You can lead the horse away from the water, but you cannot stop it from going back and drinking! Only the horse can.

Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 07/12/2024 16:31

mbosnz · 07/12/2024 11:46

I am an alcohol addict, currently in recovery.

The responsibility, along with the power, not to drink, is mine, and mine alone. I cannot put it on to anyone else. Otherwise it becomes part of the 'game' to evade it and drink, and make it someone else's problem/fault.

That's what keeps me honest, even when no one else is there, and it would be oh so easy to slip into the pub for a quick one, or grab a bottle of wine when getting the groceries. No one else would know. But I would. And my daily count is more precious to me than a glass or a bottle. More than that, my children and husband's pride, trust and faith in me, is worth more than anything.

One way or another, your daughter needs to come to that, you cannot do that for her. It's a bit like the opposite, of the old adage, 'you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.' You can lead the horse away from the water, but you cannot stop it from going back and drinking! Only the horse can.

Thank you for these wise words which are the truth. We know it is only our daughter who can do it.
She is doing well in rehab, undertaking all the projects she is given and understanding more now regarding the 12 steps. I am hoping she will now give AA a chance when she comes out as she kept giving up on this before.
Well done with your recovery and be so proud of yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeSnugEagle · 07/12/2024 16:37

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice.
We are sitting here on this cold, wet afternoon content with not much to do. We are 70 years old, pretty fit still and walking our dogs eight miles a day. My point I want to make regarding this is I am so nervous when my daughter comes out of rehab, until she gets a job, the boredom sitting with us oldies will lead her back to drink.
I know the answer is to keep herself busy, join the gym, attend AA, come walking with us, but I can't stop my stomach churning at the thought of this. Only time will tell.

OP posts:
username299 · 07/12/2024 17:44

BeSnugEagle · 07/12/2024 16:37

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice.
We are sitting here on this cold, wet afternoon content with not much to do. We are 70 years old, pretty fit still and walking our dogs eight miles a day. My point I want to make regarding this is I am so nervous when my daughter comes out of rehab, until she gets a job, the boredom sitting with us oldies will lead her back to drink.
I know the answer is to keep herself busy, join the gym, attend AA, come walking with us, but I can't stop my stomach churning at the thought of this. Only time will tell.

You're anxious about it because you think you have some control over her drinking; you don't.

Absolutely nothing you do will make any difference. It's up to your daughter to stop drinking and do the work.