I think I need more help.
I’ve learnt so much during these last few years of on/off sobriety. But it’s got so tough recently, and I just went to the pub during my lunch break and had two large wines.
I've managed six months sober, a few months here or there, but my triggers are bad emotions that make me feel shit.
This was triggered by my family situation. Dad with alzheimer’s, his wife refusing to talk (ongoing)/refuses any care, my brother now not talking to me (he doesn’t do emotions and can’t handle communication about this), his wife shutting me out too (I sent her a message this morning asking if we’re ok - she replied ‘it’s terrible for everyone).
So I drank.
Then I got home and realised I didn’t have my keys/bag. They were in the pub. My partner let me in and asked where I’d been. I said in a cafe. He said ‘the pub’? I said yes and went back there to find bag…
He then said (and I’m trying to care for him at the moment too as he’s had a hip replacement, and juggle a big workload) that I may need more help as drinking to tackle emotions isn’t good and could get worse.
He said me lying is a bad sign. I know this and feel so ashamed. But he’s recovering from an op and I didn’t want to burden him. And I felt weak and hating myself.
It’s in those moments I go to self hatred and blurring it all out.
Anyone got suggestions as for me I need someone I can talk to about this I think and all the therapists I see don’t ever go into the alcohol thing? The therapist I do see if v helpful but she brushes off me drinking.
I seem to get really strong - then something tips me (always family) and I do worry that I could end up in a very bad place if it all gets a whole load worse. Thank you.