Out of control drinking

[cve123]

I really need some help and advice, I'm currently sitting in a car park after having a massive screaming argument with my husband as I’ve spent the whole day in bed sick and ashamed and then lashed out at him. I have drank since I was a teen and always drank one night at the weekend, maybe one day during the week if off work. This crept up to three days per week once my job changed and I started working from home. During lockdown I started drinking every single night and the longest I've been sober for since summer 2020 has been 3 days in a row. I work full time during the day and then work in our family business in three evenings per week and on Saturdays. I'm in my late 30s and have 2 young boys, have been with my husband since we were at uni. I drink 2 bottles of wine every single night once the kids go to bed, I black out every single night and sleep on the couch. I manage to get up in time to get the kids out to school and to log on to my work system and I struggle badly through the shifts when I work in the evenings, I am so sick every single day. My husband and I have no relationship, we are like roommates, we don't do anything together. I have no hobbies or friends, I just work, drink, pass out, repeat. I feel so sad, down and anxious all the time and I feel that my wine is my only joy in life, the only thing I look forward to, my kids prefer being with my husband and make reference to how all I do is work, and how he is the fun one. He works part time, minimal hours. I hate what I have turned my life into, I pay all the bills but this is what we agreed due to the family business. I can’t keep doing this, I am just existing and not living, I don't even leave the house anymore except for work, I have no confidence or ability to find happiness in anything. Over the past month I've noticed I'm going back to bed once the kids go to school and I'm sleeping in until noon, I'm even missing work meetings and having to make excuses. I have tried absolutely everything, I have read all of the quit lit, I have been hypnotised twice, I have listened to all the podcasts, I follow sober social media pages but I just can't do it, I can’t quit, it’s like I literally don't know how not to drink in the evenings now. I'm so scared I'm going to end up seriously terminally ill and not be there for my kids, I'm scared as I feel I have already lost my marriage and I can feel I'm spiralling and things are getting worse and worse, physically I feel horrible all the time and think I’m very hormonal too. The weird thing is that when we are away on family holidays or trips away and out of our daily routine, I have no desire to drink but when I'm in my normal daily life I literally cannot stop myself, on a rare occasion if I don't drink I have to force myself to go to bed at 9pm and I lie all night unable to sleep, miserable and tossing and turning. Can anyone help or advise me? I've already read Annie Grace, tried to go sober for October (lasted one day) and listened to/read all the material

You sound burned out and worn down. You need to address that along side the drinking. Working so much is obviously having an affect on you and for me would be the first thing that needs changing. Sounds like you are drinking to try and self medicate.

@screwloose77 about 3 weeks. The hangover was so much worse on the tablets and so I have a 'trip' drink in the evening instead. I will still drink at weekends but I was drinking a bottle of wine a night and tbh I just have to go to bed early and know that I can do it. So I have gone from 70-80 units a week to only 10-15 now.

5 days dry a week- 2 months of this now. I don't think I had a day off alcohol this year until I started sertraline.

So sorry you have the anxiety. Are you able to get anti anxiety drugs? I said no to these, but would be willing to try if I were unable to stop drinking. It's been such a game changer. Although tricky days for sure!

I'm worried about relying on Valium but maybe I need to to get through next few weeks. I'm literally curled up in bed after drinking a bottle and a half last night. Agree it's definitely not something I can tolerate like before. I was much drunker than I would be

Hi OP, AA has online meetings. They are listed in their website

Op, look up the Sinclair Method. Please.
Or email Joanna there. Joanna at sinclairmethoduk.com
Get the ball rolling with the drugs that actually work to help you not white knuckle it.
GP won't need to know or be on your records.
It's literally life saving medication and will support you with counselling too.

You sound exactly like me, though I was drinking 3 bottles of wine every night. Let me tell you what worked for me.

I treated getting sober like I had a major illness that I needed to recover from. I took time off work, initially a few weeks, but eventually 3 months in total. I was burnt out from work and life. I needed time to get better. I exercised every day. I filled my evenings with doing things that didn’t involve drinking. I joined a sober support group (Bee Sober) and attended meetings and met other sober people.

I didn’t do hypnotherapy this time, but I have done it in the past and it was very effective, but you need to do it with someone properly trained and you need to do it more than twice. I was listening to the recorded tracks every day, but also attending live sessions. And you have to continue to do it for months until you feel you don’t need it anymore.

The most important thing though is support. You need other people who have been through this and have come out the other side. I joined Bee Sober but there are other groups out there. You absolutely can do it. I was drinking 200 units a week when I stopped. I’m 19 months sober and have never looked back or even had a wobble. But I had to make the call that I was done and I knew I couldn’t continue living like that. It’s so much better on the other side. You just have to make the leap.

Stop making excuses. It's called alcoholics ANONYMOUS for a reason, even if someone recognises you there, it's against the ethos of the group to say anything outside the meetings. Your GP won't just put you on anti depressants, unless you're diagnosed with depression on top of alcoholism. They can signpost you to other support within your community. You can't carry on as you are, you need to do something. Do you want your children to grow up with an alcoholic mother and the trauma that comes with that? It's called a family disease for a reason, it isn't only affecting you. People who never give up alcohol either end up with wet brain (look it up), or die from the disease. My choice was to get my head out my arse, get help and get sober. The choice is yours x

And here we go. The OP is an alcoholic, raging at her husband, passing out at night, barely hanging on in work.... but it must be the HUSBANDS FAULT! Ffs.

You have a problem OP. It will lead to a hell of a lot worse if it isn't addressed, which you know. GP and AA - no one at AA will judge you as they are also there too. You can go to a different one or even online I believe. Don't let excuses stop you, and your DH could probably do will support too. Good luck to you.

You're an Alcoholic OP.

So is my DH. He's in hospital for the 3rd time

He's as yellow as Homer Simpson.
He looks 9 months pregnant with huge ascites.
He's struggling to eat enough so he's being fed via a nasal tube into his stomach.
He's on oxygen as well as he's developed a chest infection.
He's having to wear adult nappies as he's got uncontrollable diarrhoea.
He's 64 but looks 90.

I was told by his consultant this morning that his chance of coming out alive is less than 50%.

Keep telling yourself you won't end up the same.

How are you doing @cve123 it sounds like you have so much on your plate but you're at a real turning point, I hope you have managed some sober days and are feeling more hopeful. I have been there it's so tough, but just getting it out in a post was a really brave thing to do ❤️

@BMW6 god that's just so bloody sad for both of you, I hope your husband has come through x

Well he came home yesterday. Has about 15 different pills to take daily, is shuffling like an old man and is very frail.
His liver is decompensated - which means it cannot heal and he has about 2 years to live unless he gets a liver transplant. I doubt he'd be considered a "good bet" for one due to his age and alcoholism.

So over a month in hospital very near death and now facing death many years earlier thanks to his addiction.

My worst fear is alcoholic related dementia. I'd far, far rather he died first.

@BMW6 I'm so sorry. Are you in touch with Al anon? This doesn't have to be your life.

@BMW6 sorry to read that. How old is your husband?

64

BMW6 my relative is 55, was in hospital last Christmas wuth ascites, he has given up drinking, but I fear its too late. He is managing to work part time, and the treatment he's getting is good, but I think that his liver is decompensated, obviously this will be life limiting, sadly alcoholism on both sides of the family.

A lot of what you say was my own story. Lockdown and WFH was my final descent into despair.

I found the quit lit, podcasts very helpful. I didn’t go to AA but it might help you? Even just getting out the house and realising you’re not alone.

I also didn’t know what to do in the evenings other than sit on the couch watch tv and drink wine. So I didn’t sit on the couch or watch tv. I sat in the kitchen and did jigsaw puzzles, diamond painting, puzzle books. Basically anything that got me away from my usual wine drinking routine.

and little by little it got easier

and I felt better, happier, less anxious and coping better with work and my family life

and then I didn’t need to sit in the kitchen listening to podcasts and doing puzzles every night and could sit on the sofa watching tv without a drink

and then it just became normal

I am now over 3 years sober and looking forward to my 4th sober Christmas

you can do it but you need to really work at it.

good luck x

thank you for all of your replies, to be honest I have felt too embarrassed and ashamed to reply but I honestly appreciate all of the advice and support, I feel like such a failure as a mum and as a wife. My husband and I have been having problems, we have been arguing constantly for a long time now regarding my workload and how I feel I need help and support from him and things are very tense, I am considering going part time in my day job although that will damage us financially, I feel totally unappreciated in terms of how much I do and provide for the family, there is a horrible atmosphere in the house. Someone asked what he thinks of my drinking, he pours my wine and throws a blanket over me when I pass out on the sofa, cleans up and takes away my empty wine glass, when I barely am awake to put the kids out to school in the morning he tuts at me and I can see I disgust him, he is tee total by the way after growing up with alcohol abuse in his family and his own issues with alcohol, he quit cold turkey years ago. Just recently I saw his phone (I didn’t snoop, it was left open in front of me), and saw he has been messaging an old school friend (female) all year and has been keeping this a secret from me, nothing sexual, purely chit chat but it’s obvious he is trying to build something with her, this has hurt me so badly as I have severe issues with self confidence and self worth and this has really upset me, I’m drinking so much at the minute. I made sure the kids have had an amazing Christmas but I have never felt so low.

The thing is you are automatically the 'villain' in a marriage when you drink and will always be on the back foot. When I stopped the scales fell from my eyes and I could finally see what the problems really were instead of internalising them.

If the self help stuff doesn't do it for you please go to your gp and ask for what help he can give you. Well done for giving the kids a good xmas regardless, time to be as kind to yourself now.

I'm in a similar situation except my husband left us. Thr kids have been with him this week and I've hit my rock bottom, drinking 3 bottles a day, going on dating apps and hooking up with random blokes. I admitted it to him that I do have a problem and he's actually staying for the week to help get the house back in order and redecorate the kids rooms and all the jobs he was going to do. But I'm done, so done with drinking! It's killing me. But I'll be fair he's being really supportive and I feel so ready to give it up.

Totally relate. Trying to count units with a view to gradual reduction as my palpitations are bad jn the afternoon. I genuinely do not know if I can just stop. I've so far had 30 since last 1st Jan and god knows how much on 31st but probably as much in one night. Alcohol support I've had from gp or local services has been next to useless. If you want to quit like today, forget it. Gp offered me a four weeks time appointment. Self referred to alcohol services and basically sat in a room with two girls a fraction of my age answering questions I could easily have done online. And told I needed to keep a diary and come back several times before any help offered- months basically. It was half an hour from my house and just totally pointless.

I've got to do with alone somehow.

OP, do what you need to do and go part-time. Your husband needs to step up. Your children need you to be attentive and available to them. Contact AA and begin to attend meetings.

Hey OP. Just wondering how you are getting on now? Did you manage to kick it

I mean this gently but you’re making excuses not to seek help. If someone recognises you at aa, they are there for the same reason, so what is the issue with this? Your gp won’t just put you on anti depressants, it’s an excuse not to go.

you are an alcoholic, and blaming life and avoiding seeking help won’t get you into recovery. You need to want to do it enough, that you do seek help. Onky you can do this.

but it is very damaging for your kids to grow up in a home with an alcoholic, and your husband can’t leave, both for finances and he needs to be around for the kids, for their well being.

i won’t apologise for the tough words, because you need to seek help and face the truth.

It sounds like you're at the point where you've had enough. Google your local addiction services so will help. My local one arranged for me to have a home detox (I was a physically dependent round the clock functioning alcoholic) and the team were amazing - no judgement just support. I'm now 6 months sober and, while my life isn't all rainbows and flowers it's much better and I'm coping a lot better without the drink.