Out of control drinking

[cve123]

I really need some help and advice, I'm currently sitting in a car park after having a massive screaming argument with my husband as I’ve spent the whole day in bed sick and ashamed and then lashed out at him. I have drank since I was a teen and always drank one night at the weekend, maybe one day during the week if off work. This crept up to three days per week once my job changed and I started working from home. During lockdown I started drinking every single night and the longest I've been sober for since summer 2020 has been 3 days in a row. I work full time during the day and then work in our family business in three evenings per week and on Saturdays. I'm in my late 30s and have 2 young boys, have been with my husband since we were at uni. I drink 2 bottles of wine every single night once the kids go to bed, I black out every single night and sleep on the couch. I manage to get up in time to get the kids out to school and to log on to my work system and I struggle badly through the shifts when I work in the evenings, I am so sick every single day. My husband and I have no relationship, we are like roommates, we don't do anything together. I have no hobbies or friends, I just work, drink, pass out, repeat. I feel so sad, down and anxious all the time and I feel that my wine is my only joy in life, the only thing I look forward to, my kids prefer being with my husband and make reference to how all I do is work, and how he is the fun one. He works part time, minimal hours. I hate what I have turned my life into, I pay all the bills but this is what we agreed due to the family business. I can’t keep doing this, I am just existing and not living, I don't even leave the house anymore except for work, I have no confidence or ability to find happiness in anything. Over the past month I've noticed I'm going back to bed once the kids go to school and I'm sleeping in until noon, I'm even missing work meetings and having to make excuses. I have tried absolutely everything, I have read all of the quit lit, I have been hypnotised twice, I have listened to all the podcasts, I follow sober social media pages but I just can't do it, I can’t quit, it’s like I literally don't know how not to drink in the evenings now. I'm so scared I'm going to end up seriously terminally ill and not be there for my kids, I'm scared as I feel I have already lost my marriage and I can feel I'm spiralling and things are getting worse and worse, physically I feel horrible all the time and think I’m very hormonal too. The weird thing is that when we are away on family holidays or trips away and out of our daily routine, I have no desire to drink but when I'm in my normal daily life I literally cannot stop myself, on a rare occasion if I don't drink I have to force myself to go to bed at 9pm and I lie all night unable to sleep, miserable and tossing and turning. Can anyone help or advise me? I've already read Annie Grace, tried to go sober for October (lasted one day) and listened to/read all the material

Have you been to see your GP?

Can you get to an AA meeting? Addiction is a disease of isolation. You need others who have been in the same position. Hope you can do it for the sake of your children.

I think you should see your GP as they can help you get support. Drinking that much is often due to a feeling of hopelessness.. if you can get out of that pattern you might start feeling hopeful again. Can you start going into work again rather than working from home? And cut down the evening work? Sounds like so much work.

I second seeing your GP AND AA. Just from personal experience, it helped me and I'm now 13 years sober. Going to meetings and relating to others really helped. It takes time but you have children who need their mum. Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice and you need support. Good luck x

What does your husband say about the drinking and blacking out? Have any other family members or colleagues commented.
You need to see your doctor and 100% find an AA meeting.

I live in a small community so don’t think I would be able to attend an AA meeting without someone knowing me. I am reluctant to go to my GP because I am ashamed and embarrassed and I also think they will just suggest putting me on antidepressants and I really don’t want to go down that road. My husband says absolutely nothing about my drinking or blacking out, he doesn’t really acknowledge me or understand why I would feel down or overworked, I don’t feel like I can talk to him at all as it always turns into an argument, he often refers to how angry I am and says I treat him badly, that he doesn’t enjoy being with me and vice versa, none of my other family or colleagues have any idea I drink like this or black out every night but I imagine they know something is going on.

Your GP will not do this. (And if they do, change GP.) They are your most important starting point for getting help. Please go and see them.

You’re using alcohol as a coping mechanism, as a means of escape from your issues- but as you and I well know, it’s a crap coping mechanism.

Here is the “get help now” page from Alcohol Change - hopefully you’ll give one of these a try

Get help now

It is possible to get yourself out of this, but maybe it’s time to acknowledge you can’t do this on your own.

I didn’t go to any “official” groups, but the ladies on one of the long running sober threads on here saved me - maybe check it out (will link in a new post)

here you go

Hi OP - big hugs, I really feel for you. I completely understand when you say, "I literally don't know how not to drink in the evenings now"

Until relatively recently, I drank tin after tin of lager, rather than wine (on the basis that it wasn't so strong... though when you're drinking gallons of it, well....) I used it to power me through working in the evening, and also to knock me out so that I slept. Like you, I did it every day. In my case, for decades.

Your choice is either total abstinence or strict moderation - one or other, and as pps have said, you can get support from your GP or the AA. At the moment, I don't think I have it in me to go for total abstinence. I know myself, and I'd jump off that wagon very quickly. But I'm successfully moderating.

I started off with two days AF a week, nailed down in my diary and ticked off when completed. Pretty quickly I was doing four. I follow the moderating thread here on MN if I'm feeling weak. It's good for reminding me that I'm not alone, that other people are fighting the same demons and succeeding.

I make myself get up early so that I at least have a chance of sleeping on nights off. I take kalms and drink sleepy teas. I don't try to work in the evenings (because there's the danger that I'll "reward" myself with booze). When I don't sleep, I just put up with it, and try to avoid catastrophising.

More and more I'm noticing that alcohol is a depressant. I've been giving it my health and my happiness, but what has it given me in return? Now I'm creating a space where I can reflect on it with a clearer mind - and hey I'm looking forward to moving to 5 nights AF some time fairly soon.

Over the past six months I've gradually learnt how not to drink in the evenings. My AF nights are becoming the new normal. You can do that too.

Also, you're going to have to get your DP to share some of the financial burden. This is not equal. You are working too hard. Too many hours. Five days a week and four evenings is too much when you've got small children. No wonder you're angry. No wonder you're reaching for the bottle.

Whether you choose abstinence or moderation, you can do it. But it may involve changing more than just your drinking habits.💐

You have to want to do this for yourself and this is your cry for help. Your cries have been heard but it means holding your head high and going to your GP. Why don't you want ti go on anti depressants? Please visit your GP. You have this in you for you and for your boys.

I can't tell you how much this resonated with me, 10 years ago I was you, 2 bottles every night, more at weekends, passing out on the sofa each night, then the nights lying awake full of remorse and promises, stressing about the diseases I was inviting and vowing not to do it again the next day .... rinse and repeat.
I know you've read a lot of quit lit, so did I and it did nothing for me. BUT I finally read a book that changed everything - and the only reason I tried reading it is because you could still drink while reading it but NOT read it when you are drunk IYSWIM
The title put me off and it was on my shelf for a year before I opened it - in fact the title pissed me off - ´Kick the Drink easily' by Jason Vale
As if it could be easy ! what bollocks I thought.
Please read the amazon reviews - there are a lot of people on there like me. You don't do anything in particular except you have to read it with an OPEN mind - it is repetitive but it has to be to undo all the brainwashing, I wish you the best, there is a whole different life waiting round the corner, I promise you.

Catherine Grey The unexpected joy of being sober has really helped me. Big hugs OP

What is your husband doing when he isn't working "very minimal hours" part time?

How do you feel about this? If this was agreed, or seemed like the only option, or entirely reasonable.....doesn't matter, but how does it make you feel?

Do you love him? do you want to fix things with him?

Why doesn't he notice that you are desperately sad, over worked and passing out? how does that make you feel?

I'm sorry youre struggling why are you working so many hours and your husband only part time? Your life needs a bit more balance. Can you go to an aa meeting in the next town. This is what my sister has done. The gp won't judge you and I wouldn't fear anti depressants, I was the same and life after I went on them was a hell of alot better than before. I only ended up taking fluoxetine for 8 months and have been fine in the last 3 years. I'd just been struggling since covid and they helped me return to my normal.

@walliedug
Agree ....5 days plus 4 evening is too much, and then you also have little ones (especially as your dp is part time).

If anyone is in AA they are there for the same reason you are.

You haven't "tried everything"

If you really want to stop, then try AA

And I'm saying that, having been in your position and today is my 11th year sober thanks to AA

'Anti depressants' hate that word. Sertraline. Got me to stop drinking. They mellowed out my mood and it's been a life changer for the better. It's not a permanent solution. But currently whilst my life is as hectic and stressful and worrisome then it's a good solution for me.
Rather that than the bottle of wine I was drinking a night.
You need to explore all options OP. Don't dismiss what you haven't tried. Anything can be better than 2 bottles of wine a night.
And you need to cut back hours and your husband needs to step up more.

AA can be positive but doesn't work for everyone. There will also be an alcohol & substance misuse service in your area and most allow you to self refer, they will have 1:1 and group work offer to support you. I would absolutely consider GP referral, they may look at ADs but may also consider talking therapies and there is also Disulfiram which is a supportive treatment that can be used for alcohol misuse - it basically makes you feel sick if you drink whilst you take it. The first step though is reaching out, you have been brave and done that online, next is being braver and doing it in real life. You could also consider Al Anon for your husband.

My uncle sadly died this year from alcohol, it's a horrible way to go and I don't wish it on anyone. Please seek help now, if you're not ready to make the changes for yourself do it for your kids. Sending you strength.

If you go to AA and recognise someone it's because they're in the same boat as you. They aren't going to gossip about you.
Or you could try an online meeting ?
Well done for posting, this is your first step. 👏

If I were you, OP, I'd think about going to rehab.

Alcohol is a very powerful drug and is one of the most dangerous drugs in terms of fatality. Some people manage to get sober with the help of AA or other forms of support, but others don't. Getting sober on your own is very hard.

If you go to rehab, it will give you a chance to focus just on getting well. Everything else in your life can take a back seat. It's saving your life that is the most important.

Once you come out of rehab, you can carry on your recovery by going to AA meetings, joining online groups, etc. But rehab would give you the kickstart you need.

You should absolutely speak to your GP! Don't berate yourself, addiction is an illness and you need help. Good luck 💐

Why is your husband working only part time 'minimal' hours? While you are working one and a half time hours?

And surely he must be aware that you are at breaking point. What is going on?

I'll be brutal OP. It sounds like you're not actually ready to tackle your alcoholism (that's what it is). Two bottles a night and drinking until you pass out is alcoholism. You are right that you can't go on like this, because you will die.

Your GP will not judge you. People in AA will not judge you. You can be a non-drinker. You can save yourself. It sounds like your issues go deep so you will need others to help you to get out of this mess.

I've just upped my dose 3 days ago and cannot stop drinking as per op with fear and anxiety. how long did it it take you?