How much is too much - DP drinking

[user8567]

I do not drink so appreciate I will have a skewed perception of normal alcohol consumption. Grateful if anyone could tell me whether my DPs drinking habits are reasonable?

DP usually drinks every day. He goes through phases of not drinking on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays but doesn’t stick to this very well. If he drinks beer/cider he usually has 3 or 4 cans and wine about 1/2-3/4 bottle, whiskey a small 20cl bottle. That’s for one night.

This week he has had:
Monday - 1 x cider can
Tuesday - 3 x miniature whiskey bottles
Wednesday - none
Thursday - 3 x cider can
Friday - 20cl whiskey bottle

The whiskey isn’t the norm, he usually just has cider/beer or wine, but he has an issue managing how much he drinks of this I think. He can’t just have one.

I am concerned he has an issue. Not so bad as he wakes up and drinks or can’t go a day without alcohol but still an issue. He tells me he likes the taste but also the buzz. Tonight he’s definitely a bit drunk. He says as he’s a manual Labourer he needs it - not really sure what he means by that.

He is in his 30s and we have a 4m baby together for context if necessary.

Is that normal/acceptable or is it indicative if a problem?

I don't think it's excessive but it's not healthy

Hmm yes I definitely think not healthy. He is always complaining about being tired constantly and feeling low and I have suggested that cutting down the alcohol might help (it is a toxin after all) but he either doesn’t believe me or the enjoyment he gets from alcohol outweighs any negative impact it has for him.

The frequency seems high but with the exception of tonight, the volume doesn’t seem too bad. I guess it depends on whether it affects anything in his life? Like job, capacity to drive, pulling his weight at home etc.

To be honest, if I had a small baby I wouldn’t really want my partner drinking anything. Sounds like you’ll be parenting alone tonight.

How much is he drinking at the weekends. Seems ok to me although it is on the heavy side.

Reading it back drinking the miniatures is a bit strange. Surely that’s an expensive way to drink? Is it to help him control how much he drinks?

I’d rather he didn’t drink like he has tonight now we have a baby as he does act a bit drunk on whiskey. Otherwise it doesn’t impact the rest of his life I guess and he doesn’t exactly wake up hungover or anything.

Good to know the volume doesn’t seem too bad - difficult to know when I don’t drink!

I think this is just the stuff you know about? Where is the wine?

I think the fact you don’t drink means you are second guessing yourself. He drinks too much.

The miniatures were a gift set from his mum who has just returned from holiday so they were in the house. Usually he’d just buy a normal bottle.

About the same if just us but obviously if he’s out with friends he’ll drink a lot more. Doesn’t go out with friends very often though, once a month at most.

I don’t think he hides any alcohol from me simply because there’s nowhere to hide it - we live in a teeny tiny house. He sometimes will be ‘discreet’ when he brings home whiskey as he knows I’m not a fan but I always know he’s got it.

Tricky. How does he react when you mention it?

Gets quite defensive.

I know it was a big issue in his previous relationship though and caused lots of fights so could be defensive because of that - his ex wanted him to stop completely whereas I don’t mind him drinking as long as it’s reasonable/healthy amounts.

The volume in the list you posted doesn’t seem like a problem in itself. The things that would concern me is the frequency and the fact you have a new baby.

I’d maybe keep an eye on it for now and see how it goes.

I don't know if he has an alcohol problem, but his drinking is causing problems in your relationship. So it's a problem even if his drinking hasn't reached the level where it's causing health problems or he is actually addicted.
It's also quite a handy way for him to avoid doing much with the baby, I expect.

It's the frequency more than the quantity. Having seen alcoholism in my family, alcoholics are good at hiding it. I know you say there's nowhere for him to hide it in your tiny flat but alcoholics are very good at concealing their drinking. He may be drinking out of the house.
The fact that you're worried about it and his drinking was a cause of his last relationship breaking down is significant. Don't dismiss your instincts.