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Alcohol support

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Original poster

can an alcoholic ever change?

32 replies

Freddie15VES · 05/11/2024 11:01

my partner is a functioning alcoholic - he drinks everyday 4-6 beers. he smokes weed also. he’s promised me numerous times that he’ll change but i’ve yet to see any change.

i feel stupid for giving chance after chance but it’s so hard to leave when there’s love and 2 children

he’s done things in the past that have really hurt me, i’d say he’s done these things when sober but when is an alcoholic really sober?!

bit of a background - he was looking elsewhere for sex/sexual acts through brothels when i was 7 months pregnant, he then started looking again when i was 4 months post partum. he said he didn’t go, heads a mess etc etc made me feel sorry for him. agreed to give it another go

jump to this weekend, works xmas party went out at 6pm came in at 5am offf his face missed our sons football the next morning and also told me to fuck off (infront of son)

now he’s feeling sorry for himself and is going to change…

OP posts:
Brananan · 05/11/2024 11:02

I don't like the term "functioning" alcoholic. How would it feel to describe your dh as an alcoholic without the disclaimer?

Brananan · 05/11/2024 11:04

My personal opinion sadly informed by experience is that no, you can't do anything to make or help someone with a drinking problem change.

What you can do is decide what you and your dcs are exposed to/what you put up with/how you expect to be treated

Original poster
Freddie15VES · 05/11/2024 11:04

@Brananan just using the term a medical professional used sorry!

i don’t understand your question though, sorry?

OP posts:
Brananan · 05/11/2024 11:06

Freddie15VES · 05/11/2024 11:04

@Brananan just using the term a medical professional used sorry!

i don’t understand your question though, sorry?

If you describe your dh as an alcoholic does that make you feel differently about him?

I think the term functioning alcoholic makes alcoholism sound like something that has degrees of seriousness. I don't believe that it does.

username7891 · 05/11/2024 11:06

If you want to stay with an alcoholic, who smokes weed, tells you to fuck off and pays for sex, that's your prerogative. However please don't continue to bring children up in this mess.

Alcoholism really affects children and you're doing them a disservice. He sounds very disrespectful and I've no doubt he doesn't lift a finger. Please separate.

Brananan · 05/11/2024 11:07

username7891 · 05/11/2024 11:06

If you want to stay with an alcoholic, who smokes weed, tells you to fuck off and pays for sex, that's your prerogative. However please don't continue to bring children up in this mess.

Alcoholism really affects children and you're doing them a disservice. He sounds very disrespectful and I've no doubt he doesn't lift a finger. Please separate.

And please ask yourself what you are getting out of it.

As if you decide to stay there is something you are getting out of the relationship with an alcoholic/addict.

CreationNat1on · 05/11/2024 11:10

Don't allow yourself to be so drained by him, that you lean on your children for emotional support.

I would also suggest the weed smoking is equally as damaging. Is he ever really sober?

GatherlyGal · 05/11/2024 11:12

OP you seem willing to put up with some terrible behaviour from someone who is your partner.

He may well be capable of change but only if and when he really wants it.

It seems he can do what he likes - drink, swear at you and cheat on you as well as opting out of parenting duties so why would he change?

Original poster
Freddie15VES · 05/11/2024 11:16

i struggle with my own mental health and really find it hard to be strong, i know i sound pathetic for staying i really do!! when i really think about it i do think what the fuck am i doing! but then i feel so overwhelmed at the ending of a 10 year relationship. how do i even go about navigating this?! i need some harsh honest truths that this won’t change cos deep down i know it won’t but stupidly i love him!!!

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyTeen · 05/11/2024 11:16

In what way is he “functioning”?

Sounds completely dysfunctional to me

Original poster
Freddie15VES · 05/11/2024 11:18

@ThatsNotMyTeen a term used by a Dr as he has a very successful well paid job, which means he’s ‘functioning’ in that sense….apparently

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyTeen · 05/11/2024 11:20

I don’t believe there’s any such thing as a “functioning alcoholic”. Or an “alcoholic” for that matter which is an AA term. Dr doesn’t sound very up to date as the current terminology used is “alcohol use disorder”.

Alcohol is a drug and your partner is a drug addict. If that helps make your decision any easier.

Southwestten · 05/11/2024 11:26

Or an “alcoholic” for that matter which is an AA term. Dr doesn’t sound very up to date as the current terminology used is “alcohol use disorder”.

Why does it matter which term is used? They both mean the same thing.

Madickenxx · 05/11/2024 11:27

In my personal experience, no they do not change. Of course, there are people who are alcoholics who behave appallingly when drunk who don't behave like that if they stop drinking but that's not the experience I've had. I spent 25 years with an alcoholic and he didn't drink for about half of that time (more likely 75/25 as he hid his drinking for some time, no idea how long) and he was the same person either way. His behaviour may have escalated more when drunk but the underlying selfishness and his very skewed view of himself compared to what others saw never changed. He was abusive throughout our marriage. The worst of the abuse was while he was drinking but it almost felt worse to me when he didn't have the "excuse" of the drink if that makes sense. For my ex certainly, but also for many of the friends I met through ex-DH attending AA, they had certain traits that steered them towards the drink and these traits were there drunk or sober.

Madickenxx · 05/11/2024 11:36

Madickenxx · 05/11/2024 11:27

In my personal experience, no they do not change. Of course, there are people who are alcoholics who behave appallingly when drunk who don't behave like that if they stop drinking but that's not the experience I've had. I spent 25 years with an alcoholic and he didn't drink for about half of that time (more likely 75/25 as he hid his drinking for some time, no idea how long) and he was the same person either way. His behaviour may have escalated more when drunk but the underlying selfishness and his very skewed view of himself compared to what others saw never changed. He was abusive throughout our marriage. The worst of the abuse was while he was drinking but it almost felt worse to me when he didn't have the "excuse" of the drink if that makes sense. For my ex certainly, but also for many of the friends I met through ex-DH attending AA, they had certain traits that steered them towards the drink and these traits were there drunk or sober.

Can't edit for some reason - I also wanted to say that I think there is a difference between someone who drinks too much and has become dependent on the drink as a crutch or similar and the person, like my ex-H (shouldn't have referenced him as DH in my message above) who I genuinely think was born that way. He started drinking before he was 10 and while officially you could call him "functioning", his life was a shambles behind the scenes.

I'm certainly no expert though and only have my own experiences to go by.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/11/2024 11:39

username7891 · 05/11/2024 11:06

If you want to stay with an alcoholic, who smokes weed, tells you to fuck off and pays for sex, that's your prerogative. However please don't continue to bring children up in this mess.

Alcoholism really affects children and you're doing them a disservice. He sounds very disrespectful and I've no doubt he doesn't lift a finger. Please separate.

Nailed it.

LetsChaseTrees · 05/11/2024 11:54

Whether or not some people change is irrelevant. He has promised it before, he will promise it again, he never has. Is there really anything different about this time? Of course not. You know, deep down, that he won’t change.

The “functioning” bit, I agree is misleading. That just means he hasn’t dropped out of society, he isn’t sleeping on the streets. He’s still an alcoholic, he still treats you appallingly.

I know it seems massive to leave. But perhaps it would help to sit down and think about what it means to stay. What will be the impact in five or ten or twenty years on you. How much worse will your mental health be? What will be the impact on your child? Living with an alcoholic versus not could be the difference between him growing up to be an alcoholic or not, succeeding in life or not. What life do you want for your son in the future?

How to navigate it… write yourself a list. Literally. What will you need, how do you start. People on here can help you think it through.

Original poster
Freddie15VES · 05/11/2024 12:01

@LetsChaseTrees that was a super helpful comment - thank you

his dads an alcoholic which is what scares me. if our son is seeing the same relationship with drink then how is he going to be? whenever he is around his grandad he’s always jokingly offering him a beer and it makes me feel uneasy. i wish i could control that side of it also whether he goes around there or not. but i don’t think i could control that!

i do need to do a list of where to start, i know he’ll help financially but i also guess ill need to apply for universal credit too to help me with rent etc

OP posts:
Brananan · 05/11/2024 12:54

Freddie15VES · 05/11/2024 12:01

@LetsChaseTrees that was a super helpful comment - thank you

his dads an alcoholic which is what scares me. if our son is seeing the same relationship with drink then how is he going to be? whenever he is around his grandad he’s always jokingly offering him a beer and it makes me feel uneasy. i wish i could control that side of it also whether he goes around there or not. but i don’t think i could control that!

i do need to do a list of where to start, i know he’ll help financially but i also guess ill need to apply for universal credit too to help me with rent etc

You can control anything you want OP. You are choosing not to.

CreationNat1on · 05/11/2024 13:01

Get the book "AA for friends and families of alcoholics", both the alcoholic and the enabler are sick. The family is a sick unit. But someone needs to take control to ensure the children are protected and not parentified.

theemmadilemma · 05/11/2024 13:04

I mean I'm 5 years sober, but I'm still the same person in essence I was before.

So if he's a cheating arsehole now, sobriety won't change that. It doesn't change your morals. And you can't blame shit ones on alcoholism.

CreationNat1on · 05/11/2024 13:08

He is going to turn into his dad, do you want to be his carer?

Wolfiefan · 05/11/2024 13:30

He’s not functioning as a parent or a husband though is he?
My mum stayed married to my alcoholic dad. It affected us all really badly in so many ways. He destroyed her confidence and our ideas of what was a normal relationship were totally buggered.

reesiespieces · 05/11/2024 13:35

Please get some support for you and your kids. Al anon is the place to start https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

With all the will and love in the world you can't change him. He has to change himself. He sounds a lot like my dad. You need to be careful though, it doesn't take a lot for the wheels to come off. Don't be like my mom and be caught unawares.

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

mindutopia · 08/11/2024 10:21

Yes, of course, they can. My life is completely different now that I’m sober. Very happy life, healthy relationships, life going great. I was drinking a hell of a lot more than your partner. I know lots of recovering alcoholics and they are so much more together than all the ‘normal’ people I know who have a few drinks at the weekend and have never had an addiction. Getting sober forces to sort out a lot of stuff in your life.

But he can only do it if he really wants to do it. You can’t force him into getting better. And if he’s an asshole deep down, getting sober won’t make him not an asshole.