I have a very young baby and I've relapsed I feel so guilty

[relaspedagain]

My baby is only 7 weeks old and I've had a relapse. I saw all the other mums in my group having a few glasses of wine so I thought I would too.

It turned into a glass on wine Saturday night, to me drinking about 500ml of vodka last night.

I have cleared out the house there is zero alcohol here. My husband as always has been supportive. I don't know why he puts up with it, well he says sober me is worth it.

I went over 9 months without drinking why do I do it! I can never just have one. Why do I convince myself it'll be different.

I have been on antidepressants for PND, I am seeing the GP tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should say anything about this.

Relapse is a big part of recovery don't be to hard on yourself

Oh love you, you sound devastated - I'm sure you're really keen to commit to sobriety going forward.

I think one of the lessons here is that it may be normal for some people to have a drink, but it's just not right for us if we have a problem. So we can't judge ourselves by what other people are doing, we just have to hold to our own line, which is No Alcohol. I've been caught like that before - our society is absolutely riddled with it, and it's hard not to to want to 'fit in'...

But it takes all the worry away when we decide we're not going to bargain with that addictive substance any more! And it's honestly just as normal, and even 'trendy', to not drink! You can choose now - let this slip be something that strengthens your resolve rather than undermines you.

I would recommend getting hold of some quit lit - Alan Carr and Jason Vale have a similar approach, though JVs style is more modern and easy-going. Andrew Huberman has good Youtube stuff if you're into the science of it. Clare Pooley has a great archived blog (Mummy Was a Secret Drinker) and book. I find it's good to pile lots of lovely anti-drink messages in like that to counteract it being everywhere in society.

Glad your husband is supportive too - that will help - even though we can only really do it for ourselves. No need for drama - just quietly, calmly get back on the horse, more determined than before! 🙂

OP, I'm really not trying to be nasty but it is said 'once an alcoholic always an alcoholic' which means you can't have just one drink because you'll relapse. You can beat this by not giving in to have that first drink. I had a very dear friend die of the cirosus of the liver and I saw the hell he went through. He told me the only way he could beat it was not take that first sip. He had nothing to inspire him to stop after his child in a dreadful car accident. Be brave you have a little baby to inspire you to be the best Mummy you can be. You can do it but you have to not have that first sip. 🤞

With any addiction it’s like one pill, one drink, one gamble can trigger a relapse.

It does get easier to just say no.

Alcohol is particularly bad as it’s everywhere and socially acceptable.

Even on here you see people saying “ put feet up and have a ( picture of drink)

Or they suggest a bottle of alcohol as a gift

Not a good idea!

Well done for throwing away the trigging substance.

AA can really help people.

This is true.
Someone offered me something I used to take and I had to say “ no!”

I just know it would have made me obsess about the effect and want more.

It was like a punch to the gut to have the offer.

Horrible.

Social services are not the big bad wolves people comment they are. They want to help, the GP probably will have to refer you and that is fine, it's their job and what a tragedy if the missed something from someone that needed more help. You are getting help for your MH challenges and alcoholism, you have a supportive partner at home, they may be able to offer you support, earlier access to nursery hours etc that you may not want to access just yet but in future it might help, might refer you to Home start although you can do that yourself. It can open doors for you.

Perhaps if you were the only adult at home, resisting help from authorities or had put baby at risk they would escalate to a different level of support but tha isn't what you are doing.

op you say you went to AA meetings but felt "fixed" in the same place. Did you get a sponsor? I'd highly recommend it. One alcoholic speaking to another alcoholic is powerful. You can't do this alone. Getting rid of the drink, giving car keys to your partner and avoiding where alcohol is sold won't help in the long term.
One day at a time. You're sober today. 💜

Just to add my support. Amazing that you've come as far as you have, amazing that you caught the relapse as quick as you did, amazing that you arent hiding it but are reaching out online and to your partner. Your baby is lucky to have a mum who will fight so hard for them.

It's a reminder of why that stuff is toxic. All its promises are lies and you got so much further without it. Get audible and download some quit lit and have it on, whatever works for you, focus on it.

No I never got a sponsor. I didn't really know how to go about it. Often I was the only woman at the meeting too.

I just felt I was going over the same issues week in week out and not putting my past behind me

Hello lovely.
Wendy here, sober for nearly three years.

I have children and I've been to AA, too many men for me.
Smart recovery is another option. A bit more modern and available online.
I like sober Dave as a book or podcast but I drank as much as a bloke.
Get yourself some AF options, talk as much as you can to your DH (mine was so helpful). This might mean snot and tears.
If the urge is physical you can get a prescription for antabose. If its in your thoughts look for a therapist.
Sometimes we drink to numb, other times to punish ourselves. Self harm if you will.
I post on the alcohol support thread. We're friendly and all have been there. Most of us are mums.
One day at a time. Get yourself upstairs and away from the fridge after tea. Watch rubbish TV or re runs. Clear your mind.

Hi OP, I've been where you are many, many times. I've been in AA for 17 years - going to meetings is part of it but having a sponsor, a support network especially of women, doing the steps and working the programme is what finally got me sober. Before lockdown we were limited to face to face meetings, but now you can literally connect on Zoom 24 hours a day with a meeting. Some are women only - I mention that as you said that you were the only woman (I wouldn't like that either).

You've not done anything dreadful but it's never one drink - one is too many and a thousand not enough. When it used to appear in my mind as a possibility, I would tell myself firmly "you can have alcohol - or you can have everything else".

It's not easy - it's addiction. Very best of luck to you.

Yeah I understand that.. some meetings I went to were mostly men so now I seek out the meetings that are a mix. Maybe look for a women's only meeting?

My whole life has changed since getting a sponsor and living the programme. It absolutely works. I honestly thought I was a hopeless case and would never stop drinking.

You know what you want and that is to not drink. You can do this 💜

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. I was tempted to walk in to the shop earlier to get the hair of the dog. But I didn't. I've sat with the discomfort.

My husband is home now I'm glad I didn't let us all down by giving in.

I don't want to take antibuse I'm breastfeeding. Although gave formula over the last few days. But I have been feeding today to try get my supply back.

Then I recommend sweets or fruit. You'll need the sugar.
No one hurt anyone mainlining quality street!
Well done for not walking to the shop. That's what many do so you're winning today.

Perhaps going over the issues is better than relapsing?

You could go less often than every week, in order to keep reminding yourself of your resolve. Then when you start to struggle you can go to a meeting.

It is going to be much harder to keep your resolve without support.

There are other alcohol support organisations you can try.

Do you tell other people you are a recovered alcoholic, or even simply that you don't drink?

It's not something I go out of my way to say, but if someone offers me a drink i say coke/ 7 up etc if they press I say I don't drink alcohol.

I dont go out much at all. We stopped going out during covid. Then I started my recovery. I work from home, I don't really have friends where I live although I am trying to change that so the opportunity to go out doesn't come up often.

Please do not look at it as an epic fail, you have had a little blip and it may be the last time you’ll do it , please think positive and speak to your dr when you see him, x

Hello my lovely, 2yrs 8mnths sober here. I have 3 kids. New born stage is absolutely brutal and you are doing all the right things. You recognise the problem and that's half the battle. I didn't stop drinking til my youngest was 6yrs old. Please look up Sarah Rusbatch for some women only support groups, she is a Brit living in Aus but runs regular support groups via FB focussed on stopping completely (ideally) but also recognises most people (including her) have several blips along the way. She's a 'grey area drinking' coach.
Please DM me if you need a friend. You can do this. You have your baby for a big reason why to stop and a supportive husband. Hang in there love.

I self refereed to talking therapy through the NHS. It took a while but I needed to figure out why I needed to have a drink Alone. I probably already knew but the therapy really helped. You can get over this!

Good morning OP, how are you today?

Another thing I found useful was salmon and avocado. If you eat either they are good for brain repair.
Can you join a mum group? You need a support network.
If you are rural try the local church, they often have gardening, baking, knitting etc.
Not all are trying to recruit you!
Life can be lonely. I missed my dad so much when he died as he had lived with us. He was another layer of support.

Tired the baby was up a lot but managing, certainly maintaining a lot easier without the hangover. I think I was trying to escape for a little while and alcohol is how I deal with things (not a good way to deal!)

I have 1 mum friend. She's actually calling out to me today, it's a new enough friendship but we get on well. She's knows "drinking just isn't for me anymore" when it came up in conversation. She was going to call out sooner but things got busy for her.

I did call the local church before to see about volunteering/ community things but they didn't have anything like that. It really is quite rural. The town if you'd call it that has a population of 1,000 and I live in a 1 off house outside town with no neighbours

Definitely try AA again and this time try different meetings to find more women and make sure you get phone numbers and speak to the women that you do find.

If you get a sponsor and work the steps then they are 100% focussed on acknowledging what happened in your past and then taking action to move on from it. Just meetings wasn't enough for me, I had to do some work and it paid off a million times over!

Also, be very very careful.

For the last 9 months, you've handed over control to your unborn baby: having a drink just wasn't an option so you didn't.

Now, that control is back with you - and you currently have no defence against the first drink.

I was EXACTLY like you and the period form when my baby was 6 months to 18 months was the worst year of my life hands down. I really quickly turned into a daily blackout drinker, was hiding bottles everywhere, lying to everyone it was horrific.

The way a newborn turns your life upside down was also very dangerous for me - I was a total control freak and could only be happy and sober if everything went exactly how I wanted it to. The slightest thing going wrong would send me to the wine. A baby threw all my controls / routines / life out of the window and I absolutely drowned in my addiction

Please please surround yourself with AA or some other kind of recovery programme urgently.

I would be delighted to talk to you if you want so have sent a PM with my number.

You know now that you don't need to join in and sadly you can't have just one glass to celebrate. Forgive yourself and move on x

Another vote for smart recovery here- the online meetings really helped me!

I also kept my drinking in check during the newborn phase but it slowly crept back in so I really need to be vigilant about it the crushing hangover fear and feelings didn’t mix with a baby!

Im no expert but DM if you need a chat!!

Please be aware that if you declare this to the dr it will be on your medical file and you could be denied life and travel insurance in the future. At the least your premiums will increase a lot. I know this first hand. I honestly wish I'd gone to a private alcohol /addiction service and kept it off my medical file.