I really need help

[Maxy222]

Im drinking far too much.

My DH has been diagnosed with cancer. He is having an operation tomorrow and months of treatment. Things are not looking good.

We both have been drinking a lot since his diagnosis. It's been the only way to cope.

Obviously this has to stop for him, We know he must not drink anymore. I have to stop too. I need to support him and be able to run the house.

After the op tomorrow he can't even lift anything for 2 months. I still can't believe this is happening. He is so fit, he is really struggling with all this.

My DS is really angry that we have been drinking. He cannot understand why after this diagnosis and he is right.

Because yesterday was the last day my DH could drink we really hit it hard. DH was so angry and upset.

Ive been awake since 5am, I feel sick and I have so much to do today.

This is my day1. I'm sorry for the ramble but could really do with some help and support.

Thank you

@Maxy222 i am so sorry that you and your DH find yourself in this position- it is a cruel thing to have to deal with.

Escaping through alcohol is your brain trying to protect you from the mental pain, but it’s not very helpful in the long run.

You will be feeling rough after the drink, so that isn’t going to make today any easier, but drink plenty of water and have something to eat. Today is just a day to get through- make a list and get through it.

You need to get some support, both for dealing with your DH and your own mental health. The MacMillan cancer chat forum should be open - there is a section there for people who care with people who have cancer.

Your son is hurting too, and being angry with you is a good diversion. How old is he? Can he help you over the next few months.

Using alcohol as a coping strategy is not a good plan, but you know that. It does not have to turn into a long term problem with alcohol if you can find alternative ways of coping. Good luck today x

Hi @Maxy222 - what a horrible situation for you both. You recognise what you need to do but as us problem drinkers know, it’s not always easy to do the right thing - but you need to dig deep and find the strength to do this.

AA doesn’t suit me personally but I’ve found Smart recovery meetings to be a great source of support. My GP had also been great so I would recommend you consider speaking to your GP. I was referred to our local drug and alcohol service who were totally useless but others might have had a different experience.

Please don’t try to keep all this to yourself. Reach out to those you trust and ask for help. You’ll have enough on your plate supporting DH and no one can do it all. People will understand you’ve been using alcohol as a crutch during this difficult time - that’s all anyone needs to know. Remember - those who matter don’t judge and those who judge don’t matter.

You might want to join one of the sober threads on here too. AA is not the only source of support and I know it’s helped me just being able to go onto the thread and “speak” with others who are struggling/understand at any time of day or night.

You can do this. Focus on what you are gaining, not what you are “losing” - nobody ever regrets not drinking.

Best wishes to your DH too - I hope his op goes well. 🌺 ❤️

(you say in your OP that his op is tomorrow so he won’t be fasting until midnight tonight or later)

I am so sorry you are going through this. My Mum has recently been diagnosed with cancer too, sadly it isn't curable. I have found myself drinking every night since and have also decided today that I'm not going to drink today. Although at the time it numbs me it's actually probably causing me to feel a lot lower the next day and have zero motivation. Good luck to you and your husband. I really hope treatment works for him.

Thank you all for your replies. I know I have to do this now. I really don't have a choice.

I have to take over all DH responsibilities and make sure he is cared for.

Your messages really mean a lot, thank you.

A drink won't solve anything. In all likelihood it'll make things worse. 20 years of binge drinking has taught me that. All my best to you, your DH and your situation. It sounds utterly horrid. Nothing I can add that hasn't already been said above sadly. Reach out to whom ever you can around you. And you're not rambling in the slightest.

I hope the op goes well today x

Hi OP,

I think just by you acknowledging your drinking is a problem is a good first step. As drinking is an accepted why to whine down it's very easy to slip into it being an issue without realising.

Your DS is angry because he loves you both. How old is he? Is he old enough to be of some support for you both??

I understand you have a long way to go and that seems daunting right now. There are lots of cancer charities and support that you could access. Have you spoken to anyone about these?? If not that's always a good place to start.

Do you have family and friends around that can offer support to you?

Hope the op goes well for your DH.

Morning @Maxy222

I am sorry you are going through this and I hope your DHs surgery goes well today. It is really brave to admit you have a problem, even to yourself and even though it feels impossible just now, there is hope.

@Pippa246 and @Onewildandpreciouslife hae given you some great advice.

I found joining a AF living thread with a bunch of really supportive women at various stages of recovery really helpful. Talking to others who understand is such a help. (There's a reason AA have a sponsorship system 🙂).

Oh op, I’m sorry you are all going through this. Do reach out on here, there are many threads about stopping drinking and we know how hard it is (but how necessary and worthwhile). Also maybe ask your gp what resources there are locally to stop and stay stopped? It really varies by area. I hope your DH’s op goes well.

Thank you everyone.

I managed to not drink yesterday, was easy really because 1. I felt so rough and 2. I have to support DH.

DS is 21, he really is a sensitive boy, has his own mental health struggles. He is going back to uni soon.

We have told close family, Who have been very supportive but DH doesn't want to tell wider family or friends just yet.

I really appreciate your replies and will look into the help suggested.

Thank you all so much

DH op was cancelled. It has been rescheduled for Friday.

I must admit I saw this as having a chance to drink last night.
But I didn't! Day 2 done x

Great work and well done on not succumbing to the wine witch!

Well done for day two - stick at it, you’re doing great.