Peer pressure to drink- how do you handle it?

[soothingrain]

I've been sober for 3 years now. I used to drink heavily when I was younger and it did me no good and I got into all sorts of embarrassing situations which I regret. Now I'm entering peri menopause it's even worse and even one or two glasses of wine have me feeling horrifically anxious, I get facial flushing and the next day I feel really low in mood. Now I've given it up I feel wonderful, my mood is better, I feel more calm and energetic and I look better. I am committed to continuing this choice.

My issue is that the people around me just dont seem to get it and its really starting to irritate me.

The other day I went out with some friends and I wasnt drinking. I had the usual "oh come on, one wont hurt- dont be boring!" etc but I was driving and I have already explained that I cant drink any more as it makes me feel rubbish the next day. They seemed to acknowledge this and nodded but then literally in the next breath I get told, "come round to mine next weekend, DONT drive and we can have some proper drinks!" and "get a taxi next time, have a drink!".

I've literally just told them that it makes me feel awful and anxious and I still get these stupid comments. I dont want to get into arguments with my friends but like, what the heck?- I've just told you how it makes me feel and you're still wanting me to drink. I dont ever comment on what anyone else drinks- thats entirely up to them. I get that they said this after a few drinks themselves but this is honestly making me not want to go out with them again.

Anyone else experienced this and how do you handle it? Btw, these friends are lovely when sober, I feel like its just when they've had a few drinks themselves they start going on about it.

Thanks all

get new friends

i’m same age as you and not a CHANCE my friends or family would put anyone under pressure to drink

you haven’t drunk a drop for 3 years and they’re still pestering you to drink?

Not the sharpest tool in the box are they

Find other ways to spend time with these friends, a night out drinking is obviously not working for any of you.

Go for drinks with people who understand/are in a similar position and meet there people for coffee/an activity/lunch.

Yeah I know. It just makes me sad as when sober they are lovely. I dont even think they see it as "pressure"- I think they genuinely think I am denying myself something "fun" but it's not fun for me. Not at all.

I’m genuinely surprised anyone is pressured to drink these days. Tell them you are not drinking and you don’t want it mentioned again. If they ignore you don’t meet up with them, it’s totally unacceptable.

Yes! I think they think I will change my mind at some point

So

not only do they pressurise you

they are as thick as shit if 3 YEARS after you last drunk they’re still on about this 🤔

Now I'm entering peri menopause it's even worse and even one or two glasses of wine have me feeling horrifically anxious, I get facial flushing and the next day I feel really low in mood.

but you haven’t touched a drop in 3 years?

I would consider being up front and saying you have a problem with alcohol and can’t drink anymore.

Peri started about three years ago, thats when I found this out and it's been rumbling on ever since. Peri is when I stopped for good, 3 years ago.

it? Btw, these friends are lovely when sober,

doubt it

I'm seriously considering this TBH.

You friends are weird

3 years after you give up they’re still talking to you like you drink

mind you, your OP very much gives the impression that you have been drinking until very recently

🤷

either way, get new friends

mind you, your OP very much gives the impression that you have been drinking until very recently

Sorry, I worded it badly. Basically, I have told them how it makes me feel the day after and they dont seem to get it. I used to drink a lot when younger but it's confusing to me whether this means I actually have a problem with alcohol or not. I definitely went through periods of dysfunctional drinking but then I could give it up for months at a time (sometimes years) so I am not sure if this means I had an alcohol dependence or not. Therefore, telling them I have a "problem" with alcohol feels uncertain to me as I dont know if that constitutes a "problem" or not.

Either way, I dont drink and haven't done for 3 years because I know it makes me feel awful so that should be enough for them. Perhaps I do need to tell them I have a problem if it will make them take it more seriously

I would say a problem would be if alcohol makes your life worse. But different people have different definitions.

This. None of my friends would ever pressurise me to drink because they know it was a massive problem for me and have supported me through it - my close friends actually don’t drink when they are out with me to support me (although I’ve never asked them not to).

it does sound like they don’t “believe” that you want/need to stop. Also - you not drinking is likely to be shining a light on their drinking. It’s common that drinking buddies don’t want anyone to stop as it subconsciously makes them realise they need a drink to enjoy themselves/socialise/relax or whatever.

If you still want to be part of this friendship group, then you might want to consider telling them that their constant egging you on to drink is a problem for you and is actually really bothering you. A more controversial suggestion is to make something up like “the last time I drank I blacked out and woke up naked in my kitchen/covered in vomit/on a train way past my stop” - that way you have a “reason”‘for not drinking. (I have actually done all
of these).

Congrats on stopping though - I dream of getting to the “years” AF part.

I wouldn’t spend any time with anyone who made negative comments about my sobriety.

If you are especially keen to keep the friendships, I would be very clear about how hurt you were by their comments and that going forward, you’ll only spend time with them when they aren’t drinking because their behaviour when they’re drinking isn’t acceptable. And then stick to that.

I quite like the occasional drink but on nights out will often go sober so I can drive, have a clear head the next day etc. I have this one friend who will huff and puff if I'm not drinking. She will beg me to have a drink 'like the old days' or say things like 'next night you're drinking and we're getting messy'. I have no intention of going back to our teenage drink filled nights out and it really puts me off meeting up with her! Why can't people just accept it if you don't want to drink?

I'm surprised your friends don't get it when you haven't drunk AT ALL for three years - which well done on, by the way!
I've been sober for 2.5 years and I can't imagine any of my friends pressuring me to have a drink, although I think a few of them might slightly miss knocking back a bottle of wine with me. I miss it too sometimes, but the benefits of abstinence emphatically outweigh the downside.

If you're being challenged about your decision not to drink, I'd say limit your explanations. If you say, for example, "it makes me feel rubbish the next day", people might question why you don't just have one. Implying that drinking had become a problem for you is more effective - I'd say that someone who tries to get you to drink on that basis isn't a friend or, at least, not a good social companion.
"I don't drink" is your best line though.

Boozy people are a pita if you're sober, what they find hilarious is because they're boozed up.. sober not so hilarious.

Hi OP, I became allergic to alcohol a few years ago, post menopause. Similar to how alcohol affects you but I actually passed out a few times so a bit more extreme.
I just say I'm allergic, clearly some people think I'm a recovering alcoholic but at least they don't pester me.
It might be worth explaining in some detail how alcohol affects you, I did that a few times and the tale clearly bored my listeners, they didn't ask again.
I find I don't spend as much time with drinkers anymore as they aren't much fun. I mean they are essentially sitting in one place taking a mind altering substance so they are seeing and hearing things inside their own heads! No great conversation is available.
I find that if I go to the theatre on my own I can get to the loo or leave really easily as the alcohol makes people slow moving as well as thinking. Sober dividend you see.

I don’t drink and just say to people that I don’t. It’s not due to a problem either, so you don’t need to say that if you don’t want to. I think be explicit in saying that you are fed up of these comments. Naturally though anyone like this has filtered out of my life as we are not into the same things. Can you hang out in other ways?

I have one friend who pressures me to drink. She puts away at least a bottle a day and I think if I was drinking too it 'excuses' her from thinking about how much she is drinking. Everyone else is perfectly fine about it if I am not drinking first whatever reason (I give up alcohol for Lent for example).

It makes them uncomfortable that you don't drink - it says more about them. They have an issue if they care. The way I've handled this is by being very loudly and opening sober with everyone. Everyone knows I'm 4 years sober and wouldn't dare try to tempt me. Only one or 2 men have (you can imagine what their intentions were). I have lost friends and that's fine. My sobriety is more important to me than any friend or anyone's opinions. If someone says something again look them right in the eyes and say confidently NO THANK YOU IM 3 YEARS SOBER. be confident and proud of your choices.

Find the following on YouTube and share it with them-
Rory- Help Your Friends Get Sober.

My son goes through this so much at work, but not with his friends. He simply doesn't like the effect that alcohol has on him, and they are incredulous when he says he doesn't drink. He remains insistent but yes it's like they think he's missing out. So annoying.