During the depths of Covid I fell into bad drinking habits - every evening gaming and drinking litres of spirits per week. Awful I know! I worked in a post office and was struggling to cope with the stupidness/selfishness I was seeing from people (I had 2 young children at home and the fear of bringing something awful back with me was all consuming).
During this time I forged a “friendship” with someone I met online. I was late 20s he was 25 years older than me from what he told me anyway. He was married and continually telling me to drink more, don’t be boring etc and I would game with him until the early hours of the morning. I’d then get up and get the kids to school/preschool and me to work (I also had a few extra little jobs on the go).
It all got a bit weird and he asked for my number “to arrange gaming”. Stupidly I caved after a few attempts of him asking assuming it was harmless. Anyway it soon turned into something else, he lived hundreds of miles from me and he was trying to arrange to bring me a new tv and finding excuses to meet up. This all ended up in an argument as I wasn’t up for this kind of thing.
Anyway, once these ties were cut my drinking habits weren’t the same thankfully. I can go weeks upon weeks without a drop of alcohol but my other half will still accuse me of being an alcoholic. In complete honesty I don’t think I am as I’ll happily go without. He seems to take pleasure in accusing me though! Frankly back then if he’d said it he would have had a point.
Last October I ended up being made redundant during maternity leave (they lied to me and I was advised to take legal action - I didn’t as I wasn’t mentally in the right place to) this sparked horrendous drinking habits again. I’ve always been able to handle my drink but once I start I don’t seem to know when to stop at a sensible amount.
I think I use alcohol to mask how I’m feeling. My relationship isn’t good at all and I think a lot of it comes from that. I don’t have people I can turn to. I’ve asked my partner to help me, he will say he wants to but realistically I don’t think he does deep down.
Today he got home and I had been drinking. I’m not at all proud of this and it isn’t the first time. He had it out with me and I begged him again to help me, we live next door but one to my ex employers and look over their fields. As stupid as it may sound I’m struggling. I feel like I want to move away. He says he doesn’t know what to do to help. I made tea (chicken, potatoes, salad) clearly he’s not happy as he starts slamming his plate, cutlery etc around. He’s been in a mood since making me feel even worse.
It honestly feels like he goes out of his way to make me feel worse than I already do! Nothing like kicking someone when they’re down ha! He’s said to me this evening that I’ll end up having the kids taken off me if I continue to do this. (Not a regular occurrence) It’s like he wants to scare me into not doing it. I honestly don’t do it to be an arse. I’m struggling.
I’m grateful for the life we have, we’re very lucky and I’m happy being with my kids. But I have a real fear of OH coming home - I never know what I’m going to get mood wise. I absolutely know nothing excuses my drinking but I do feel it’s a coping mechanism sometimes.
I don’t know what to do to help myself and more than that my children. They’re the most important people to me, the greatest blessing in my life and I don’t want to ruin their lives in any way.
Really not sure what the point of this is, I don’t have anyone to talk to. How can I stop this viscous cycle? Am I able to drink socially or do I need to just stop completely? I absolutely love having a drinking and hitting the dance floor! Something I’m not comfortable doing sober unless in my own kitchen haha!