My husband doesn’t accept his unhealthy relationship with alcohol…

[Burnc]

My husband and I have only been married over a year, together for 6 years. Alcohol has always been an issue in our relationship, and we’ve managed to put boundaries in place that have made our relationship safer - such as no drinking in the week, communication on when he’s expecting to come home etc. However more recently he’s started to be quite verbally abusive and gaslight me when he’s drunk and coming in, late morning. Saying things such as “there’s no reason for you to be angry” “what have you done to behave in such an angry way” “I don’t think I can be with you if you behave like this, should we just get a divorce”. The alcohol version of him and the sober version are so so different! Is this common? Is there anything anyone can suggest? Any help would be super helpful!

I’d suggest divorce, and don’t have children with an alcoholic.
Unless he accepts he has an alcohol problem, and wants to do something about it, things will only get worse.
Him twisting things to make you out to be in the wrong smacks of this.

https://metro.co.uk/2020/06/13/guide-darvo-gaslighting-response-people-give-when-called-bad-behaviour-12847680/

You can’t control someone else’s drinking. You can only control your boundaries around what is acceptable to you.

In my case, I was the problem drinker and Dh talking to me about how worried he was for me helped a lot. Not right away. It took probably a year for the message to really get through.

But that said, I wasn’t an asshole. You can be an alcoholic and you can be an alcoholic and an asshole. You don’t have to accept someone behaving like an ass. You can stop him, but you can make it clear you won’t stick around to be treated like that. It sounds like you’ve tolerated it since early in your relationship, but you don’t have to forever.

Hi OP,

Hope you're ok.

Your comment about putting boundaries in place to 'make your relationship safer' really stood out to me.

No healthy relationship should need that and it seems like a big red flag to me.

Are you getting support?

This.

The minute you started to have to do this it was doomed really, sorry. He won’t change.

I'm sorry OP but this will only get worse IMO. The next time (if you decide to stay for now) he says 'we should just divorce', take him at his word and get out of the relationship. Then his actions will show if he's willing to get help or the relationship is over, which it needs to be if he keeps treating you like this.

Sadly this sounds very familiar to me although luckily I called off the engagement to my ex as I finally realised after lots of promises, arguing, Jekyll and Hyde type behaviour that he wouldn't change and thought me nagging was making it all worse etc. Very hard to go through with at the time but best decision I ever made. This was 6 years ago and I'm happily married now with a DS - seeing my current relationship only highlights more how wrong my previous one was. I realise that you're already married but unless he immediately realises there's a problem and puts in place measures to sort things out things will never change and you'll be miserable. This person does not sound safe or fit to be a good parent either from what you've said.

Please don't waste any more of your precious life on this.

As the child of an alcoholic who has been enabled for years, I wish every day they'd have separated decades ago.

The sooner you leave the sooner it will be behind you.

He's offering you a way out, take it.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with others. This is no way to live. I occasionally got angry but usually with myself. Aggression can increase with alcohol but you really only if it's there in the first place. I got angry when people crossed my personal possession boundaries (hiding my alcohol), but that's because I have that problem in my sober life (because of early trauma).

If he's saying those things and scaring you then leave. Look after yourself.

He's given you an out

Take it

It won't get better. Trust me.