Still can't stop, any advice appreciated x

[Lau8877]

I posted here a long while back about my drinking. After my dad died during covid I was drinking first thing in the morning, all day, until I passed out. I was violently sick most mornings. It was hell.
I sought help from a psychologist, private, and she was excellent. I didn't stop drinking, but managed to get it only to an evening. Was able to get a job, passed my driving test, was doing pretty well aside from still needing wine on an evening.
In December just gone I stupidly left my job, I wasn't enjoying it anymore. I was working as a mental health support worker with some complex clients, then home to help my mum who also needs care. So I thought I just need a fresh start, not a job like this. Big mistake. I'm now drinking 2 bottles a night plus a few white claws. Can't get up before 11/12. And I'm back in hell. My partner has basically left me, calls me pathetic, lazy, no will power. He's quite awful. No empathy. Which I understand, it's a frustrating thing to support. But today he called me a fat w*nker and I've decided I need to step away from him after 10 years as I do believe he enjoys abusing me. I know this from days before alcohol, he was always abusive. This problem I have seems to be a great excuse to beat me down emotionally.
Am I just enjoying drinking? Why when I've gained weight, feel crap, can't pursue any career am I STILL going with this. Ibe been trying to get pregnant for a year no avail. It'll be because of the alcohol running through my veins all the time.
I'm struggling, and hoped for some words of advice and comfort xx

I'm not sure if advice and comfort go together unfortunately. Advice - leave the partner, stop trying for a baby you need to get better first, go and see your GP and be honest with them, go to AA or any other group you prefer. There's not going to be a better time to stop than now.
Comfort - sounds like you've been through a lot and also had a challenging job and home situation. This can't have been easy for you. It's really hard to stop, but you are worth a better life than this.

I imagine once you leave your abusive partner you won't feel the need to drink to excess...

First, I'm so sorry about your partner. If he's not going to be of help and you think he's abusing you then walk away.
You need more help to quit the alcohol. Go to your GP as soon as you can get an appointment. Tell them what you've tried already and ask to be referred to the local addiction service. Go to an AA meeting, they're not for everyone but try a few and see, you can either go in person or online. There are also SMART online meetings so try some of those too. Please don't be disheartened if they're not for you but with alcohol you need to try everything.
Alcoholism is a disease and a bugger of one, you can't use willpower to fight it, you have to understand it, understand how it is affecting you and find your own individual way through it. This will be one of these hardest things you will ever do but it will be the absolute best. Once my brain realised that alcohol was evil and just pointless (it really is!) then I started to get better.
I promise you that now I do not get tempted, would not want a drink and am not missing out on anything. You can do this.

OP you need to visit your GP and get some help. You could join AA or Smart recovery but I would get as much support as you can. You can also try Cruse for grief counselling regarding your dad.

Hey@Lau8877. How are you? I remember you for a few months ago when you were working your way through Grey's Anatomy 😀 I'm sorry things are still bad for you. Has anything changed since your last post? I can't really give any advice, because I am in a similar position in terms of not having a handle on my drinking still. But one thing that has changed is that I self referred to my local alcohol services. That's a big step for me to ask for outside help. But I have been trying to quit for so long and I'm so tired of feeling disappointed with myself.

It's early days, but if you want, I can let you know what's entailed. Or at least for me, as I expect what support/intervention is offered depends on the individual circumstances.

Regarding your boyfriend (or now ex boyfriend?) it reminded me of something Catherine Grey says in The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. She said she stayed in a relationship with someone who treated her badly, wasn't supportive of her attempts at sobriety and was just plain mean, because she didn't respect herself. So she accepted someone treating her disrespectfully. I think so many people with alcohol use disorder no longer respect themselves because of the (often) years of shame at not being a 'normal' drinker.

I really hope you're ok and that you know you are worth more than your (ex)boyfriend makes/made you feel. While I recognise it is difficult being the partner/family of someone who drinks excessively, no one should be put down in the way your boyfriend has (as I recall from your other posts he was critical of other areas of your life). You deserve to get well. Alcohol use disorder really is an illness. A form of self harm. It's also a coping mechanism for all sorts of things, like grief. People don't understand and think it's an entirely selfish act and assume that not getting help means you don't really want to recover. But there's shame because of the misunderstanding of alcohol use disorder that it becomes an incredibly difficult prospect. Who wants to live a Groundhog day where every day you wake up fuzzy headed, feeling sick, hating yourself, worrying about everything you might have done or said, underachieving at work because your so tired, looking a mess, paying over the odds for shit wine from the office licence because you don't just drink the one bottle you promised yourself you would. But sadly, the nature of the beast means that probably in a few hours I will be wanting a drink 'to make me feel better'.

Sorry for ranting. I just want you and anyone else struggling, there's help and support here. Hope you finally finished Grey's Anatomy!

Hii! Thanks so much for your post.
You must have a sixth sense because the day you posted my partner grabbed me by my blouse, took my key off me and chucked me out of my house.
He took me to Barcelona for 5 days for my birthday a few days earlier which was lovely of him. But I was repeatedly berated, called a 'whale', a 'pathetic cnt', 'useless cnt', because I hadn't stopped drinking cold turkey. That's despite managing to cut down.
So right now he's blocked me and taken my key. He works away so I've no access, so I'm staying at my mums. I stay here a lot anyway as I'm a carer for her. But still. I pay my way at our place and he's used his physical strength against me.

I'm no further forward really with drinking. Still 2 bottles a night, late bedtime and every morning thinking WHY are you still doing this. But I feel I'm closer to stopping. I no longer see the enjoyment in it and see it as an anchor.

Regarding greys 😂 I took a little break and watched Girls (amazing by the way). And now onto the good wife. But I will be returning haha.

So glad to hear you've sought some help. I'm not quite there yet I don't think. Is it helping you?

Thanks again for your thoughts x