Friend with alcohol issues

[Lindylu74]

A close friend who I’ve known since our DD1s were born (they are now 21) has had a difficult time recently. Her husband had an affair and they are getting divorced. I have been supporting her through it and it’s been going on a while. She has been drinking more and more heavily recently. I kind of understand because she’s struggling and it helps her temporarily to forget but it’s becoming a regular occurrence for her to be very drunk and it makes her angry and emotional. Our DSs are 17 and friends and her DS has mentioned it to mine saying he’s worried about her, it’s upsetting him and doesn’t know what to do. He’s tried to talk to her but she got upset when he raised it. I feel I need to try and say something but how do I do it in a way that is supportive and helpful and not just antagonise her. Also I’m not a big drinker so I don’t want it to come across as being judgmental. Any advice appreciated.

Speaking from experience, it's likely she knows she's drinking too much (hence her reaction to her husband when he raised it) and she's judging herself for it (because we live in a society where if you drink a bit too much the 'alcoholic' label is raised).

Alcohol numbs how we feel, but the feelings don't go away. So if she's still feeling hurt by the affair, those feelings are being buried under the alcohol but that temporary relief is eclipsed by feelings of remorse in the morning at having drunk too much again. So the pain becomes more - feelings about the affair and feelings about the drinking. This was me.

Best thing is to be there for her. Say you'll listen to her.

Something that also helps is acceptance. To accept that she's not feeling on top form right now and that's OK. Of course she's going to feel a bit off/sad/etc because of the affair. A piece of her may want to feel overwhelmed/sad. This can feel weirdly comforting.

But then to ask how does she WANT to think about it going forward? She can't change the past but she can change the impact it has on her present and the actions she takes. When she starts to move into this territory she will start to feel better and the overdrinking will naturally begin to lessen because she'll be having more supportive thoughts to herself.

Hope this helps.