Life without alcohol

[Theseamisun]

I'm sorry if this is the wrong topic to be posting in. I'm not a big (regular) drinker but I've certainly noticed my consumption increase over the last few months. This being said I now haven't had a drink since May. It wasn't a conscious thing but the anxiety I feel after drinking has gone and I feel a lot better.

I find that I use alcohol as a way of relaxing in social situations and increasing my confidence. People have commented how much they love drunk me. I don't have a lot of close friends but my best friend who is a lively and popular person drinks quite a lot and it is expected we will drink heavily when we're together. It's like we've forgotten how to spend time with one another without it. I suggested we do something different when we next see each other but she managed to turn it round into an alcohol themed evening...

I'm worried that giving alcohol up completely will isolate me but I'm worried about my mental and physical health if I continue.

Has anyone else experienced feelings like this?

There is a great book called “Sober on a Drunk Planet” by Sean Alexander, and that title sums up life really!

It is very hard to take the decision not to drink in a society that revolves around alcohol, but as you’ve found, there are loads of benefits to not drinking. You did really well to stop when you did (I didn’t stop until my alcohol use became a big problem).

Part of stopping drinking is finding out what you’re really like, what you actually enjoy doing, and who you want to spend your time with.

Have you told your friend you’re happier not drinking? If she still insists on making everything about alcohol, then that tells you a lot about your relationship (and probably tells you a lot about her issues too).

There are some sober social group around - have a look at Bee Sober and Sober Butterfly on instagram.

There’s also a thread on here about living alcohol free, where everyone will get it. The current thread is nearly full but I can link when a new thread starts.

Listen to the 90 Days Later podcast with Anna Charles. She shows how you change what you control and this helps you to stop worrying about other people.

I've experienced feelings like that, OP. I gave up drinking at the start of 2022 for (possibly) similar reasons - health concerns, low mood the next day, feeling that drinking had become a compulsion.
My experience and friends will be different to yours obvs (and I'm early 50s, guessing you're younger), but I was worried about losing the social 'buzz' with some people and groups, my ability to be the life and soul, the camaraderie of knocking back wine with a mate, the need to drink to get through lengthy social occasions with free-flowing alcohol such as weddings and work dos.

Not drinking does change things, and you sometimes feel (and stay) flat, knowing that a glass of wine or a pint would lift you a bit. However I realised quite quickly that most people didn't mind whether I was drinking or not and that I'd usually been the one drinking the most - I've sometimes sensed me not drinking is a relief for other people, and it certainly is for me. Like you, I had the perception that people loved "drunk me" but in my case I think that was wishful thinking. I don't think anyone is actually better company when they're pissed.
You might find that not drinking gives your best friend a spur to cut down too, and that you find other, still enjoyable, things to do together.

For me, the positives of not drinking have FAR outweighed the negatives (that anxiety thing you mention was really significant for me) and, 2.5 years down the line, I don't even miss it anymore - and I still have a very busy social life and all the same friends. Good luck with however things go for you.

You might want to have a look at this thread

Yes, I think it’s a worry most people have when they give up drinking. I think there’s two different things going on here.

One is you thinking you aren’t as much fun or won’t be able to socialise without alcohol. It’s a learning curve. It feels awkward initially, but realistically you used to hang out with friends all the time without drinking before you discovered drinking. I’m a classic introvert. But unless I tell people I don’t drink, if we’re at a party, they have no idea. Being sober I’ve actually noticed how awkward people are when they drink. I can now socialise fine without drinking. But my expiry date is earlier. I go until I’m peopled out and then I go home and leave them to it. No one notices I’ve left as they’re too drunk at that point! It takes practice, but it’s fine.

The second is your friend not being able to socialise without drinking. This is about her, not about you. It sounds like she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, if she can’t do anything without a drink. Realistically, you likely either need to make the meet ups nearly impossible to drink at. Meet for breakfast. Make her drive, etc. Or you probably need to be honest that you don’t want to hang out with her if she’s going to drink and put some distance on the friendship. Not all friendships survive, but you will attract the people who are for you.

And she may actually eventually follow. I’m 14 months sober now. Two of the heaviest drinking people close to me, one of them is now also sober, the other went from drinking probably 5 days a week to maybe having 3 drinks one day a week and that’s it. If you had told me, I’d successfully quit, I wouldn’t have believed you. If you’d told me others would quit because they saw me do it, I would have thought you were completely mad!