I ruined a fresh start

[Venuspoppy]

I am an alcoholic. I started to self medicate with alcohol when I was 22 and depressed, and this has continued for 20 years. Now I self medicate for severe anxiety (probably brought on it part by the excess alcohol) I have panic attacks and agoraphobia. I have been prescribed sertraline but when I was honest about my drinking amounts was told I need to reduce right down before I take it. I haven't managed that.

I was admitted to hospital for 3 days last month and was terrified of withdrawal symptoms as I drink every evening and large amounts. They gave me what I believe was librium and I managed well with no withdrawal symptoms. When they discharged me I asked for a short course to take home so I could continue to detox but they said they couldn't do that.

I was scared of withdrawal so had a small drink when I got home and then was back to normal levels within a week.

I know I want to stop drinking like this, I know how much its hurting my body and mind. I reached out to local support service when I came out of hospital and have been told it will be a few weeks. I know counselling alone won't be enough.

I just feel so stuck. Any support or advice would be appreciated.

Hello @Venuspoppy

You sound like you've been through a lot. Many many people medicate themselves through difficult times with drink which becomes a crutch - you are not alone 💕💕💕

Are you under any current medical care that can help refer you help with your alcohol problems?

If not - a visit to the GP, telling them pretty much what you've said here should be a good start.

You didn't ruin anything. It's okay. You can do this but you definitely need support to keep you going and hold you accountable.

Keep going, don't give up! It can take time, but your local substance abuse service should be able to support you into detox and then rehab. Proper detox takes a couple of weeks - 3 days isn't enough. If you fit the criteria, you can do it at home but it's dependent on the individual.

Speak to your GP, reach out to the services, don't give up just yet.

You didn’t ruin anything! Success is not linear. You can pick yourself up and keep moving forwards.
It’s great you’ve contacted support services. How would it be if you cut back by a little bit each week while you wait, so at least you feel you are stepping in the right direction?
Dont beat yourself up. It won’t help. You need a lot of self compassion for this journey so accept what’s done and take good care of you.
Baby steps. It took you 20 years to get to this point, it will take a little while to really crack it but you are moving in the right direction.

Have you thought about contacting AA online? They can chat to you through instant chat or through telephone they are so helpful

@Venuspoppy Don’t despair, I was in your position a few months ago. I fessed up completely to my GP. All they could offer was a self referral to an alcohol support service locally. It took a couple of false starts - life events getting in the way, but finally I committed to a 1 hour a week for 6 weeks course to prep for a home medically assisted withdrawal. Withdrawal was over 8 days, initially they ask about the units you are drinking to prescribe the correct dose which is a course of Librium given daily ( you are breathalysed to ensure you are not drinking) which decreased over the 8 days, together with course of Campral which helps balance your brain following detox and you can take for 6 months or more following withdrawal, and finally 3 injections of B vitamins and a course of thiamine as alcohol use stops you absorbing B12 which is needed for your brain and nervous system.. So far so good and have been alcohol free for 12 days so far. I’ve committed to continuing talking therapies at the support group and when I feel ready will go to perhaps SMART or AA for continued support. I feel good, my broken body and mind is starting to feel better already. Search out or ask about a service like this in your area if you can. Good luck.

@Venuspoppy how are you doing. I’ve been doing some online AA meetings and just about to go to second SMART face to face. Sober for 26 days today. Bonus lost over a stone in weight and feeling positive. Totally focussing on my mental and physical health has helped and cravings are decreasing. Would definitely recommend you follow up for a place on a service in your local area. I have found that a lot of the staff have lived experience and are v understanding.