Here I am again

[onceagainhereiam]

Once again here I am.
Haven't slept, drank a whole bottle of spirit. I don't even know why, I had a lovely evening with my family soon as I got home I hit the bottle.
Always tell myself I can control it, just one then before I know it I've made an idiot of myself and it's 6am in the morning time for the kids to wake up.
I don't drink in the week but binge on the weekends, it makes me cranky all week with my dc and it's not fair.
I said the last time was the last time, but one week in here I am same situation.
I don't think I'm an alcoholic but definitely a binge drinker. I try not to buy it sometimes I can last a few weeks and then I'm back to square one.
It's not fair on my kids, I never used to drink a year ago I was a different person I was happy, did so much with my dc and I've changed into this awful human being.
I'm not drunk now drank 4 bottles of water before anyone says about my children, I'm able to look after them I'm just not at my best.
How do I stop?! all my friends drink, and it's either I turn into a hermit and never leave my house or see anyone or drink it's awful.

You don't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic OP. You sound like you really need help so now is the time to seek it.

A whole bottle of spirits in that time frame is hazardous alcohol use. I think professional input is likely to be needed because as you say, you tell yourself you won't do it but it escalates quickly and you do.

I've tried councilising but I just clam up. Irony is things are pretty good right now, I don't have much to stress about yet I'm still doing the same old shit I was doing a year ago when I was very unwell with stress.

What happened a year ago that made you change. Understanding that may help you understand why you drink now.
Can you identify what triggered you yesterday to start drinking after a day out?
alcohol is a devious fucker. Be kind to yourself and reach out. I can personally recommend Janet Lee Grace & The Sober Club.

Hi

What happened a year ago for you to start drinking so much? I bet you will feel rough today so do not be hard on yourself.

My child nearly died and was diagnosed with a life changing disease and then some of my family fell out with me for a long time.
That's when everything changed. I couldn't cope anymore.
I don't even feel hungover just tired, that's the worse of it getting through another day of hating myself. Can't even go for a walk to clear the air as I feel to tired. Hate it.

Hi Again

Did you get support when your child was really ill and then diagnosed. That is really difficult to deal with.

Yes, off his medical team. But I think I blame myself deep down even though covid caused it so it's not my fault but I could and should of been more careful to stop him catching it I sent my other child to school and that's how it got in the house.
I just can't cope with anything these days, the tiniest bit of stress and I'm looking at my coping mechanism and it's not healthy.
I didn't drink for 6 years straight because I knew it was bad for me mentally. My DH drinks but not as much as me and my friends drink so I can't ever escape it.

You could be suffering from PTSD after the trauma of what happened. It is a horrible thing to suffer as usually you do not know you are suffering from it but there is support and treatment for it.

Great, my parents are alcoholics and I swore I would never be like them.
Hate it. How an earth do I stop?

Did your wee boy getting Covid trigger the life changing diagnosis?

Also you were not responsible for Covid. You now need to deal with the irrational guilt you are feeling that it was all your fault and that you and that you should and could have caused it. Should and could a fully loaded words that make you guilty for something that was not in your control. That is the key.

Yes. if he hadn't of caught covid, he wouldn't of got the disease.

Aw honey. I am so sorry but the whole world could not control Covid at the time. How were you alone meant to? It completely was not your fault. Do you see that? CBT may help you.

@onceagainhereiam - you sound similar to me in a lot of ways - alcoholic parents and swearing you’d never be like them, binge drinking (I could get through 3 litres of vodka on a 4 day bender), drinking even though things are okay, having friends who like a drink etc.

I’m now on day 32 AF after 100s of day 1s. I got to the point where I’d been sacked, broke bones, lost friends, nearly destroyed my family and generally lost all my self respect - please don’t let yourself get to this point.

If you are like me, what started as a coping mechanism has turned into a “need” in your brain because alcohol alters your brain biochemistry. If you are interested in what alcohol does to your brain, I recommend the Huberman lab podcast on alcohol and the one on dopamine. He is a neuroscientist and explains how alcohol disrupts our brain and keeps us desiring it (even when we feel good). Your brain is doing exactly what alcohol intends it to do which is to want more - remember alcohol is really potent drug.

I really understand now why a long period of abstinence is crucial to stopping drinking successfully- it takes months for the brain chemistry to get anywhere near normal again. If that means not socialising for say 6 months, then so be it. That’s what I’ve more or less done - I’m only meeting with people who don’t drink/can genuinely take it or leave it - for coffee, brunch etc. Your real friends will want to support you with this.

I’m also consciously focussing on what I am gaining rather than what I am giving up. I’m doing really healthy things and being kind to my body and mind, and it appears to be working as I’ve had no urges to get obliterated. In the past, I’ve not been able to go more than about a week without going on a bender.

You can do this - I’m rooting for you!

So am I xx

It sounds like you've had a rough time op. I know exactly what you mean re friends all being drinkers and feeling a bit isolated without it.

The "best" thing that has happened to me lately is drifting away from a lot of my old friends (they were really more like drinking buddies, in hindsight). I went to one of their bday parties a few months ago and they were so, so drunk and then doing coke etc 🙄. We are 40 yo, not young people! I found the coked up behaviour so annoying and it made me realise how much we had drifted apart.

I have just recently quit drinking. 22 days today 🎉. Not feeling pressure from anyone to drink, as dh is proud of me / admires me being sober, although he does drink himself.

TLDR: you may need to find new friends and see less of the boozy ones

Op you need to accept that you have a problem with alcohol 😔 it's in no way normal to drink a whole bottle of spirits, but to then function and not be hungover is also telling.

You need to see your GP and get professional support.

You need to talk to DH, I'm sure he will stop with you.

You need to accept that you cannot drink alcohol at all, ever. You say you stopped before due to problems. Just view it like an allergy, alcohol doesn't agree with you.

But first you need professional help. Not to put even more guilt on you, but you don't want your kids going the same way. You need to break the cycle.

An alcoholic is someone for whom their drinking has become problematic and yet they still can't stop. That's you, OP.

You say your parents were alcoholics - it does tend to run in families - so you've drawn the short genetic straw. But get yourself some help. Start with the GP. You've already started really, by recognising that it's a problem.

Good luck. Your DH and your friends may try to sabotage your efforts, just be aware of that. People who drink like everyone else to drink too. But put yourself and your own health and children first.

Have you tried AA they will give you a buddy to call

OP, what happened a year ago could well have triggered your alcohol consumption to get much worse. My DD was diagnosed with a life changing condition when she was 3 and it was about 6 months later that I started drinking far too much. It wasn't until I had a real wake up call that I realised that I couldn't actually manage her condition properly if I didn't stop the path of self destruction that I was on. It's bloody hard and counselling didn't work for me. AA is great and I would highly recommend contacting them. Don't be embarrassed, ashamed of any of those things because they won't help you stop drinking. Good luck.

As a post script OP, this was 14 years ago. I am doing great and DD is off to university in the Autumn. You can absolutely fix this.