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Alcohol support

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This feels too easy

32 replies

Fireflyfly · 01/06/2024 18:37

My husband is an alcoholic , he admitted it 3 months ago and started attending AA . It’s been perfect ever since . He is a different person , our lives are a million times better . He hasn’t mentioned a drink ( once or twice he has said today is a day he has felt the urge but it’s passed ) . We have been into our local , where he did a lot of his drinking , and has had a non alcoholic beer , had a catch to with friends and then wanted to go home and he’s not been unhappy about it he’s said it was nice but he didn’t really want to be there . He has done so much around the house , we haven’t argued - honestly every aspect of our life has improved . He stopped going to AA a month ago as he has a new job and can’t make meetings , but he has the book that he reads of an evening and he said he just really doesn’t want to drink again .

Im so proud of him and happy but I worry it’s been too easy . I expected more . It’s honestly now like he’s never drank . There have been no bad days . It was like a switch just went off in him and he just stopped .

Im also 100% certain that he isn’t drinking in secret - we haven’t been apart except when he’s at work and he has to have drug and alcohol tests weekly , at random times , due to the nature of his work .

Has this ever happened to anyone else ? That they just stopped and that was that ? Or am I in a false sense of security right now ?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 03/06/2024 14:17

I'm over a year sober now. I think most people would describe it as looking like it's been 'easy'. I think my dh certainly would.

Yes, most people who have a drinking problem do struggle for years to get sober, stopping and starting. For me, I did struggle for years, but it was an internal one. From the outside, I looked like just a fun person who liked a drink. Before I actually stopped, there was many years of worry about my drinking, attempts to moderate a bit better, shame about failing at it, trying to do better. I was drinking A LOT. Like 200 units a week. But I never got caught drink driving. Never lost a job. Not in debt. No failed relationships. No medical intervention. No rehab trips. When I decided to stop, I just...stopped. I knew I was ready. I was done. And I just did it.

I went on holiday when I was a month sober (with dh who still drinks) and it was fine. I went to family parties and did Christmas and village BBQs and school fundraising pub events, etc. all the things people normally drink at and I didn't drink or even think about drinking. It was 'fine'. And actually, it was mostly fine.

The not drinking is actually the easiest part about no longer drinking. He's made it through the really tricky first 3 months and that's fab. But there will be more to come and a lot of it will be below the surface. I found it has been the emotions that have come up, the stuff that I wasn't dealing with because I was drinking that I then suddenly had to deal with. But that's probably only 20% of it.

Honestly, it has made family life a lot easier. I sleep better. I feel healthier and mostly happier. Life is better. Oddly, sometimes it does feel too 'easy' and I wonder what's coming. But for some people, it does happen this way. It's called spontaneous sobriety. People just stop and get on with life.

I would definitely recommend though that he doesn't disconnect from his support network of sober people. Maybe that's AA, maybe it's something else - there are lots of options out there besides AA (I don't do AA personally). I think it can be easy to slip into thinking you've got it cracked when things are going well, which can ease into, well, it's no big deal, I'm not struggling, maybe I'll just have two beers because it's so and so's BBQ, and then it starts again. Community is critical for keeping yourself accountable and honest.

I also want to say that I think it's important that you support him in continuing to set boundaries. He went to the pub and had an AF beer and then left after 1 drink when other people were getting drunk and he felt uncomfortable. That's fantastic! That's not something to be knocked or downplayed. Lots of sober people won't even go to a pub because it's too difficult. He went, had an alcohol free drink, and then left when he was over it. That's a win.

Please don't be inviting people over and drinking in the garden if he's not comfortable with it, as someone suggested. There is a time and a place for that, but it's a decision that you both need to make together. Waving alcohol around in front of someone in their own home who is early in sobriety and seemingly doing well as a 'test' is not the way to support someone's recovery - which it sounds like you know already, but it's important to point out. It's early days. He's finding his feet and doing well. That's great. There will be tests enough in the future.

Fireflyfly · 03/06/2024 20:48

mindutopia · 03/06/2024 14:17

I'm over a year sober now. I think most people would describe it as looking like it's been 'easy'. I think my dh certainly would.

Yes, most people who have a drinking problem do struggle for years to get sober, stopping and starting. For me, I did struggle for years, but it was an internal one. From the outside, I looked like just a fun person who liked a drink. Before I actually stopped, there was many years of worry about my drinking, attempts to moderate a bit better, shame about failing at it, trying to do better. I was drinking A LOT. Like 200 units a week. But I never got caught drink driving. Never lost a job. Not in debt. No failed relationships. No medical intervention. No rehab trips. When I decided to stop, I just...stopped. I knew I was ready. I was done. And I just did it.

I went on holiday when I was a month sober (with dh who still drinks) and it was fine. I went to family parties and did Christmas and village BBQs and school fundraising pub events, etc. all the things people normally drink at and I didn't drink or even think about drinking. It was 'fine'. And actually, it was mostly fine.

The not drinking is actually the easiest part about no longer drinking. He's made it through the really tricky first 3 months and that's fab. But there will be more to come and a lot of it will be below the surface. I found it has been the emotions that have come up, the stuff that I wasn't dealing with because I was drinking that I then suddenly had to deal with. But that's probably only 20% of it.

Honestly, it has made family life a lot easier. I sleep better. I feel healthier and mostly happier. Life is better. Oddly, sometimes it does feel too 'easy' and I wonder what's coming. But for some people, it does happen this way. It's called spontaneous sobriety. People just stop and get on with life.

I would definitely recommend though that he doesn't disconnect from his support network of sober people. Maybe that's AA, maybe it's something else - there are lots of options out there besides AA (I don't do AA personally). I think it can be easy to slip into thinking you've got it cracked when things are going well, which can ease into, well, it's no big deal, I'm not struggling, maybe I'll just have two beers because it's so and so's BBQ, and then it starts again. Community is critical for keeping yourself accountable and honest.

I also want to say that I think it's important that you support him in continuing to set boundaries. He went to the pub and had an AF beer and then left after 1 drink when other people were getting drunk and he felt uncomfortable. That's fantastic! That's not something to be knocked or downplayed. Lots of sober people won't even go to a pub because it's too difficult. He went, had an alcohol free drink, and then left when he was over it. That's a win.

Please don't be inviting people over and drinking in the garden if he's not comfortable with it, as someone suggested. There is a time and a place for that, but it's a decision that you both need to make together. Waving alcohol around in front of someone in their own home who is early in sobriety and seemingly doing well as a 'test' is not the way to support someone's recovery - which it sounds like you know already, but it's important to point out. It's early days. He's finding his feet and doing well. That's great. There will be tests enough in the future.

Edited

Thank you for a really honest response that comes from your lived experience . The way you describe it for you , seems how I imagine it is for him. I think for a long time he has known he has a problem and I think he has tried before, but not outwardly announced it as that would have meant recognising and admitting to a problem.

I most certainly would not put him in any situations that would be uncomfortable just to test him . I am happy to never drink again so I don’t think a situation within our home that includes drink would happen .

OP posts:
DownWithThisKindOfThing · 03/06/2024 23:16

I found it easy to stop, never went to AA though. Was drinking over a bottle of wine a day. Read some quit lit and stopped. Over 1000 days sober now. Haven’t craved it at all either xx

Kittensat36 · 03/06/2024 23:36

I had my last drink 9 June 2022. A bottle of red wine. Next night, I didn't drink. Haven't since. It helps that COVID buggered my taste buds and it tastes thin and sour, but I haven't been bothered beyond the odd vague thoughts about having some.

Fireflyfly · 17/06/2024 16:41

I just wanted to update - I do have a tendency to create posts, read replies and not update .

Mainly towards the comments about putting him in a situation with drink etc and see how he deals with it - because I’m very proud of him this weekend .

We went out for an evening that involved drink . It was his friends birthday , we went for a meal where everyone except us were drinking . It was in a busy restaurant - there was lots of wine on the table etc . We also stayed in a hotel - we have never stayed in a hotel and not drank . We never get up for breakfast as we’re hungover and usually come home and just crash for the rest of the day . Even getting ready involved pre drinks in the past .

We arrived at the hotel and had coffee whilst getting ready. He was relaxed , had a nice hot bath . We got ready , went out . He was not - outwardly - bothered by the fact everyone else was drinking . He had a few non alcoholic beers . I didn’t drink out of choice , but he told me if I wanted to it wouldn’t be a problem ( I didn’t want to! I love the alcohol free life ) . At one point , he tasted the drink given to him and was unsure if it was alcoholic - so he wouldn’t drink it and checked with the waiter and actually asked him to change it , as it didn’t taste the same to him . He was his usual outgoing self and we had a lovely evening. At the end of the meal he was tired , I could tell he wanted to go - so we did ( it was gone 11 anyway ) he said he was fine , didn’t feel tempted at all but felt tired , he said the non alcohol stuff is like pop so it’s not like he wanted to just continuously drink it and he could tell others were getting drunk and that it just started to annoy him slightly , not because he was jealous but that the first time he could see how people repeat themselves etc . We left , went back to the hotel and had the best nights sleep ever ! Next morning we were awake early , enjoyed breakfast , relaxed in the room for a bit and then came home and had a really productive day. He said that at no point did he feel the urge to drink , he just got bored once he had eaten and chatted enough - which is completely understandable .

This was a big step. He was a massive drinker in these situations - the life and soul - it was nice to see that he was still the life and soul and was happy to go rather than feeling that he wanted to drink ( I did expect that he may struggle with this ) . All he kept saying was that he had had a lovely break away and didn’t feel that he had missed out and anything , the next day when speaking to others who had been there and were hungover and had spent lots of money he was grateful that wasn’t him . The only gripe he had was that the price of the non alcoholic stuff wasn’t much different to the price of alcoholic drinks !

OP posts:
Onewildandpreciouslife · 17/06/2024 20:51

That’s a great update, thank you.

HappyAsAGrig · 17/06/2024 22:45

That’s so positive! Thanks letting us know how it’s going.

I’ve just been out for cocktails with mums and 18yo daughters who just finished A-levels today. It was nice to feel relaxed and confident sticking to soda water with lime. Knowing you can still socialise and have fun alcohol free is such a great feeling.

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