This feels too easy

[Fireflyfly]

My husband is an alcoholic , he admitted it 3 months ago and started attending AA . It’s been perfect ever since . He is a different person , our lives are a million times better . He hasn’t mentioned a drink ( once or twice he has said today is a day he has felt the urge but it’s passed ) . We have been into our local , where he did a lot of his drinking , and has had a non alcoholic beer , had a catch to with friends and then wanted to go home and he’s not been unhappy about it he’s said it was nice but he didn’t really want to be there . He has done so much around the house , we haven’t argued - honestly every aspect of our life has improved . He stopped going to AA a month ago as he has a new job and can’t make meetings , but he has the book that he reads of an evening and he said he just really doesn’t want to drink again .

Im so proud of him and happy but I worry it’s been too easy . I expected more . It’s honestly now like he’s never drank . There have been no bad days . It was like a switch just went off in him and he just stopped .

Im also 100% certain that he isn’t drinking in secret - we haven’t been apart except when he’s at work and he has to have drug and alcohol tests weekly , at random times , due to the nature of his work .

Has this ever happened to anyone else ? That they just stopped and that was that ? Or am I in a false sense of security right now ?

The stopping without relapse I have heard of through some podcasts I have listened to.
Finding it easy? No, never. I’ve read and listened to a lot and it’s only ever been described as agony.

I woke up one day after yet another bad experience and stopped for 7 years! No relapses, no AA I just stopped. it can and does happen.

I think he needs to continue with AA in whatever way he can. If he is a real alcoholic then I doubt he found it so easy and I would be very worried actually.

I'd be concerned he's stopped going to meetings.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, I'll be 2 years sober next month. I haven't found it 'agony' but I have had to keep on top of it because the urge can jump up and smack you when you least expect it.

I'm in AA, I still attend meetings at least twice a week and I have a sponsor. Like your DH though, I got a taste of life without alcohol and it was so amazing I never want to go back. Maybe that's enough for him, who knows, and certainly in the early days the novelty and bliss of the new life can carry you through, but long term I don't know anyone who has done it without some form of support, it doesn't have to be AA.

That said, if he's reading the literature he's tuning into the ethos of AA. There are also lots of online meetings he could access if he needs them. I wish you both all the best.

I guess it’s easy for me to say it’s been easy - I’m not an addict . I have also stopped drinking , but I have never had a problem with alcohol and have always been able to take it or leave it . Maybe for him it has been harder - but he’s kept that to himself . But I’ve not seen anything to suggest that he’s struggling , he has however thrown himself into work and DIY so he is usually always doing something

He has had times where he has told me ( after ) that he really felt like a beer , but he has said that it was something that passed .

I do wonder if it’s because he is keeping himself so busy and if maybe during the summer or at Christmas - both times that revolved around drinking for him - it might be harder .

He did say AA really helped him and made him look at it all differently , but as I say he no longer goes to meetings . During the week he works long hours and it’s pretty much home , food , bed. Weekends he’s doing gardening , DIY , he doesn’t really stop .

I was , but it’s not a case of him saying he doesn’t need them or he’s too tired etc - he’s working very long shifts so no time , I don’t really know how to work around that

He can’t - he’s working every day , he only has Sundays off and he works long hours . He’s adamant at the moment that he doesn’t feel like he needs them , his book and contact with a sponsor is enough , and he tells me that he knows if he needs it and if he feels like he does then he will leave work to go . I can only suggest , it’s his journey and he has said to me that he appreciates my support but in the nicest way I don’t know how he’s feeling and he needs to be in charge of his recovery

Nobody can say for sure, but if my DH was an alcoholic and basically stopped accessing help after 3 months, I’d be sceptical / worried.

If he was in AA for 2 months, he didn’t really work the programme - sponsor, 12 steps etc. So he’s effectively abandoned it because he is ‘busy’. Most people in AA have families and jobs and commitments, but you prioritise and fit in meetings and your programme. There are online meetings 24/7. The work thing sounds like an excuse.

Of course some people ‘just stop’. Very few alcoholics are able to stop without ongoing support for a significant period of time (years) if not for life.
He needs to live sober through weddings and parties and holidays and stressful periods and bereavements etc - all of life - before he can relax a bit. That’s been my experience.

I think it can happen & was certainly true for me this time around ( I stopped 4 months ago & that was it) but the last time it was much more difficult. The main reason is that last time I was socialising a lot more. My life now is very different & I’m not around alcohol anywhere near as much. Plus I’m older & my heavy drinking was affecting my physical & mental health much more - I basically reached the point where if I hadn’t stopped pressing the self destruct button, I would be in an early grave 😢

I have not touched alcohol since my first AA meeting 21years ago,I still attend meetings.

Red flags in your first post,he has stopped attending meetings and has been in the pub drinking non alcoholic beer! Who is agreeing to sponsor him if he is not attending meetings? I would think he is lying about that.

He is on a slippery slope OP.Sorry to say I see this over and over again in AA,his behaviour will lead him to start drinking again.

There are no excuses to not attend meetings,there are thousands on Zoom 24/7 from around the World.Some are marathon meetings so are on 24hours continually.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry that you've been through this with your DH and glad he has decided to make the change.

What was your DH's problem with drinking, and what was the it that made him to quit and join AA?

He's avoiding situations by being constantly busy rather than having to deal with the feelings. Sorry. Tell him next Sunday that he is not to do any DIY. Have friends over for a BBQ. YOU have a beer in the garden.

It's interesting when he did go to the pub he had one non-alcoholic beer then left.

Spontaneous sobriety (just stopping) does happen, particularly in males. It's pretty rare but not unheard of - they just make the decision to stop, on both a conscious and unconscious level, and then just do.

I think he should stay vigilant though, as it is possible for sobriety to feel easy at first, when you're seeing all the immediate benefits and receiving all the praise, and then one day to suddenly be hit by intense cravings and withdrawal symptoms.

It wasn’t that his drinking was causing issues ( not issues that were unbearable ) it was more that he was drinking almost every day . He would come home from work and drink . He wasn’t aggressive or really drunk , he would just have a few beers every night . Then weekends we would go out together one night , then he would also drink the next . He comes from a family that drink socially a lot and was in an industry with a lot of socialising and drinking .

I would never have thought of him as an alcoholic in how you usually think of it ( he would have days where he wouldn’t , he would have days where he would have one beer and say he wasn’t feeling it and then not have any more . )But everything revolved around drink , all we did socially was go to the pub or have bbqs and drink. Usually , he wouldn’t stop until he fell in to bed at the end of the night, then the next day would be spent hungover or “ hair of the dog “ ( for him not me ) . It felt like we never did anything else and I didn’t think he could stop or was in control. He mentioned a few times that he didn’t want to drink anymore but then it would carry on . He told me - after he admitted being an alcoholic- that he had stopped enjoying it and it felt like he had to rather than wanting to .

We drifted apart because of this . I also grew up with an alcoholic mother and felt that I was going to live that same life again as an adult . A few times more recently , he began to get a bit nasty - not violent , but words - towards me and I started the hate the drunk him . It came to a head one night when we were out and he got nasty towards me and then when we got home we had an argument and he grabbed me by my throat . He had never been violent before and I just said at that point we were over . I left and then a few days later - after begging me to come home etc - he then admitted he thought he was an alcoholic, he didn’t want to drink any more , and he went to a meeting that night , I’ve been very clear that if he ever drinks again we are over and I 100% mean it . He hasn’t drank since.

we have been a few times and one time he had 3 . It was when others started to get a bit drunk he wanted to leave .

I don’t really want to unnecessarily put him in that situation . He’s doing well and I don’t want to make a difficult situation just to test how well he is actually doing , I think that’s very unfair . I have no desire to drink .

Does his sponsor know he's not going to meeting when he's only 3 months sober? That's very unusual imo.

Unfortunately the non alcoholic beer is a huge red flag too.

I would be keeping a very close eye OP.

Thank you for updating, OP.

I started reading your post and thought 'well, that's problem drinking, maybe not addiction' but it took a far more serious turn.

I hope you're okay and getting some support for what you've been through.

None of us here can know your reality, but the escalation of his behaviour and violence he's shown to you is very scary. Also the immediate switch to non-drinker, in these circumstances, can't be without challenges so his ease doesn't quite sit right.

only you can decide what's right for you, but please be careful.

What would he say if you made attending AA meetings a condition of staying? He's been abusive toward you - just quitting drink isn't the end of the story.

@Fireflyfly

Although many people are fine with AF beers etc As @Amx says - AA don't recommend their members drinking non-alcoholic versions of drinks for at least a year, if not ever, so if he is drinking AF beers right now, he's not adhering to their process.

My mistake - not a sponsor , a contact number of another member .

If I said he had to , then yes I know he would . But he works really hard , he barely has a moment and as he’s doing well I don’t want to just jump in with how I think he should be doing it and force him to do it that way .

What I mean by this is he said he wanted to give up , I said I would end the marriage if he didn’t . So he gave up . It’s been 4 months and he hasn’t touched a drop . He has done everything I have asked and he’s also been very clear to me that whilst he is , of course , doing it for me it’s not just for me - he’s not giving up something he wants for me , he doesn’t want to drink any more . I know AA is extremely successful and I don’t doubt that for a second but there must be people that have gave up without the help of AA.

If he seemed as though he was struggling , then yes I would but as he is doing ok I don’t want to just all of a sudden demand he go to meetings . If he has a relapse , he knows the marriage is over and I am not going to sit around time and time again - it’s as clear cut as that , he has one drink and that’s it .

All of your comments are really helpful and giving me things to think about , so thank you ☺️

Good luck, OP,

My advice would to be honest with yourself and don't minimise the violence. Aggressive language toward you that escalated to him grabbing you by the throat is another level,

Alcohol can't carry the blame for that.

It doesn't sound like he's totally honest with you now either.

Please be careful.

I am in recovery (2 years sober) and I definitely would not have described 3 months in as being ‘easy’ - far from it. I still regularly check in with sober podcasts, blogs and social media accounts to keep myself accountable. In the various accounts I have read from other ex-drinkers online, some people have described a kind of euphoric cloud in early sobriety which eventually wears off and can lead to relapse in some cases. I wonder if your DH might be experiencing something like this? I think you are absolutely right not to be complacent. Spontaneous sobriety does happen, but I would be inclined to be cautious with an alcoholic who disengages from active recovery after such a short time. It’s really very early days for your DH. I didn’t start to feel like myself again until about 1 year alcohol free…

There are many ways to give up drinking, OP. AA is only one of them and isn’t for everyone. It wasn’t for me.

I stopped drinking a nearly 4 months ago. I attended online support groups (Not AA, a local community support) but after about 6 weeks couldn’t really relate to their experiences. They would talk about benders, about the agony of cravings, not being interested if food or other things because drink was everything. Feeling isolated and miserable without alcohol.

It wasn’t agony for me. It was extremely hard initially. But I wasn’t isolated or lonely, I had more energy and focus for my family and my friends. Enjoying meals took a couple of months as there had always been wine with dinner, but soon I had new habits in place.

I prefer life without booze in it. It’s not hard turning down a drink; I don’t want it.

I do find the support on this board invaluable, and I am incredibly grateful for it.

I have a hankering for a drink in the sunshine sometimes. That’s a nice experience. So I found replacements as “delicious grown up drink that feels indulgent” that I prefer - they are tasty, they are cheaper than booze and I can have as many as I want and still have my wits about me. Elderflower cordial with soda, those fancy Fevertree soft drinks, sparkling water with watermelon and rosemary, lots of things.

I still have a lot of spirits kicking around in a cupboard that I hadn’t finished before I stopped drinking. I serve them to guests. I’m not remotely interested in them myself.

I’ve said this on the board before, but it bears repeating. I read a great perspective on alcoholism versus a sober life:

You can give up everything to have that one thing, or you can give up that one thing to have everything.

I am not cocky that I will never be tempted be booze again. But now I have people and organisations to reach out to, a skillset to bring into play, quit lit and podcasts to listen to, healthier habits established, and most of all an experience of a sober life so very much better than my life when drink was in charge.

I wish you and your DH well.