Started drinking alone

[bookishblondie]

I'll try and keep this short if I can - after years of strain and emotional/mental abuse I've recently gone no contact with my narcissistic parents. I received a very cold and cruel letter from my father which has put me into a shell. It's been a couple of months and I'm in a very weird headspace, it feels like I'm grieving living people.

Last week I drank two bottles of wine over two separate nights, two days ago I drank another bottle of wine and last night I drank 8 pints of cider. I will sit on my sofa alone and drink just to feel nothing. Ive noticed the alcohol is numbing my thoughts and I'm actively thinking about consuming it when I don't have a drink. Despite drinking heavily last night I'm meeting a friend for lunch today and am already thinking about my next drink.

I've also been having outbursts of rage and anger and find the alcohol helps quiet this. I've never felt this before and don't know if I'm going down a dark path or just stuck in this 'grief' that I can't get past

My grandfather was an alcoholic and my father was a functioning alcoholic so I have been exposed to it from an early age. Before this my relationship with alcohol has been minimal due to witnessing the effects of alcohol on these family members.

I should add that I am due to start therapy next week but if anybody else has been in a similar situation or used alcohol to cope please respond - I know this isn't a good coping mechanism but I can't seem to get a hold on it, thank you

I think this is an easy trap to fall into when you're going through something difficult. Alcohol can numb the pain and give you a bit of a buzz. I've done it during rough patches in life. I still drink quite a lot but I'm making an active effort to cut back because like you, I've recognised I think about it too much and plan my life around drinking and non drinking days.

I think you sound quite self aware and it's important to remember that alcohol isn't good for you. It won't fix your problems or solve your emotional trauma. It gives temporary relief but afterwards you'll feel more down and more anxious. It's also bad for your physical health.

Maybe this is something you can explore during your therapy. You're clearly using it as a coping mechanism but with some help you'll find other ways to deal with the feelings. I wish you luck, it's not easy.

@bookishblondie

Hi there. Huge well done on going NC. I'm sure that wasn't an easy decision or an easy thing to do.

Have you read some of the Stately Home threads on here? There are many many people who will understand that deep rooted effects toxic parents can have.

For now - my advice about your drinking is quite easy - it's DON'T.

it's a slippery slippery slope. It's a crutch for the deep hurt and alienation you're feeling. It won't help, in fact it will make things worse.

In practical terms - drink pints of room temp water throughout the day - that can damped cravings, get fresh air, stay away from situations that will tempt you,

I think a lot of people can relate to drinking through difficult emotions. It’s quite understandable really, for all the reasons you say.
The problem is, it just puts those emotions on hold. They have to be dealt with sooner or later and it reaches the point where alcohol just makes them worse.
Theres a saying - stealing happiness from tomorrow.
I think the therapy is a really great idea and will help you work through those feelings in a healthier way. It’s good that you are recognising this straight away, before it becomes entrenched as a habit.
Good luck with it all - and practice self compassion. It’s a difficult thing you are dealing with and you are doing the best you can.

I relate, OP. I started drinking alone at night to ‘relax’ and numb the pain of various difficult situations in my life and a traumatic event. Escalated - slowly at first, over a couple of years, but it eventually ramped up to full blown alcoholism. It was frightening how it developed. I was not a typical candidate for alcoholism - no drinkers in my family, a good life, responsible job etc.

I ended up drinking 2-3 bottles of wine topped up with half a bottle of vodka every night in the end and had to get help from AA.

Do you feel you could stop if you wanted to? Could you go teetotal for 30 days? If you can break the habit now you might be able to rein it in before you become dependent.

Sending strength

I’ve been there when i was going through divorce. I’d polish half a bottle of gin whilst listening to the music and dancing. Or just sitting my myself. Some 2-3 nights a week.
But that was about 3 years ago, nowadays if i have beer in the fridge i don’t even want it, i go for a cup of tea..
Looking back, drinking helped me to numb myself but also made me less efficient at work and i realised i am on my own and have a life to live and support and also help my 3 kids. I just stopped because i just felt tired and crap the next day.

I think it can be a temporary coping mechanism but as you have alcoholics in your family, i’d be wary. It can create way more serious issues if left unchecked.

Thanks all for the replies. I wanted to come back to this thread and say I'm now 3 weeks sober and regularly see my therapist. I'm also exercising more and have started yoga which has had a huge grounding effect on me, hopefully I can keep this going

What a fantastic update, @bookishblondie, I'm so pleased for you. Well done, sounds like you've shown amazing strength.