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Alcohol support

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Alcoholic Ex nearly died, is his liver too far gone? Would appreciate any experiences

13 replies

MojoJojo71 · 26/05/2024 16:50

My ex has been unwell for a while and I have long suspected it was alcohol related but this was confirmed a couple of weeks ago after he was rushed into hospital with internal bleeding and almost died. He ended up on ICU and it was touch and go for a few days but he pulled through and has now been discharged home.

I’m currently swinging from being very sad about his predicament (he’s only 49) and furious with him for putting my wonderful 11yo DD at risk of losing her dad.

What I wanted to ask was if anyone had any idea what his long term prognosis may be? He won’t discuss the details but I know he’s had to have ascites drained at least once, he’s had a seizure from withdrawal, he’s suffered hallucinations and now this bleeding from oesophageal varices. He has lost a lot of weight and can currently only walk with a zimmer frame. He says he’s stopped drinking and understands that if he drinks again he will die but I’m worried about what will happen even if he does remain abstinent. If his liver is too far gone is he likely to die anyway? Do I need to prepare for the worst?

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mindutopia · 26/05/2024 18:01

I’m so sorry, this sounds incredibly difficult for you and your dd. Obviously, it’s incredibly difficult to say, but given how ill he’s been, it’s likely that he won’t live as long as he would have if he had been healthy and well and not drinking. How long that might be is anyone’s guess, but oesophageal varices in particular is quite dangerous.

What sort of relationship do you have with him or people close to him? I would really try to find a way to sit down with him and have a really honest talk about what to expect and his prognosis going forward, making if very clear that you want to be able to support your dd through her worries about him, and in order to do that, you really need to know what to prepare her for.

My dad died quite suddenly when I was a teenager and no one really prepared me or was honest with me about the fact he was dying. Everyone sort of kept up the charade that he was going to get better, and then one day, he just went into a coma and died the next day. Family thought they were protecting me by not actually addressing it, but actually it took away from me the chance to make the most of those last weeks, have conversations I would have wanted to have, etc.

Even if he doesn’t want to deal with it (us alcoholics often want to keep our heads in the sand when we’re still in active addiction, which he will be at this point, even if he’s been forced to stop drinking), I would talk to your dd about what might happen in an age appropriate way.

Do you listen to podcasts? There is a really emotional podcast done as part of One for the Road, which is a sobriety podcast, with someone who lost her former partner to alcoholism. It may be a tough listen, but I found it really moving and I learned a lot from it about what it’s like to support someone at that stage.

mindutopia · 26/05/2024 18:03

The One for the Road episode is with Lucy Norfolk, from November 2023, if you wanted to look for it.

MojoJojo71 · 26/05/2024 18:26

Thank you @mindutopia.

I’m so sorry you lost your dad in such a traumatic way.

I’ve already told DD that her dad is very poorly. She asked me directly when he was in hospital if he could die and I said that I really hoped not but that it was a possibility. Now that he is home I think she thinks the danger is over though.

We have a tricky relationship, he remarried when DD was 6 and I’ve never even met his new wife. She text me when he was taken to hospital but I think that was because she thought he was dying and I’ve not heard anything from her since. I think I’ll give him a week or so to settle back in at home and then ask him again what the situation is.

Thanks again for your reply.

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MrsLighthouse · 27/05/2024 19:26

In 2008 l was in intensive care with liver failure, ascites and pancreatitis. I weighed 7 stone and was yellow with jaundice…l nearly died. I had been drinking for nearly 30 years. I didn’t even have much hope for myself but managed to get into a detox and rehab and connected to AA . It’s very grim at the start but as you are asking about his health l can say that l have cirrhosis of the liver but 16 years later l’m still here , healthy and living a great life. It’s not guaranteed but it IS possible even if he’s in a sorry state . I meet lots of people through AA that had equally awful physical rock bottoms and have recovered. The main thing is he doesn’t drink again and that’s the hard bit . If he wants to get sober and stay sober he’s in with a chance .

Leafalotta · 27/05/2024 19:34

If he genuinely does stop, totally stop, there is some hope. The problem is that he's now at the point where the next binge could well be fatal. It's a very big ask for someone to stop once at that point, although some do, I don't want to make it sound like there's no chance.

Have you read Richard Coles' writing about his late husband? He sadly died from alcoholism and he has written with quite brutal honesty in his book about his decline.

MojoJojo71 · 27/05/2024 21:55

Thank you @MrsLighthouse and well done, that can’t have been easy.

it’s good to know there’s hope but I’m not sure I trust him to stop unfortunately. Hoping he’ll prove me wrong though 🤞

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MojoJojo71 · 27/05/2024 21:59

Thank you @Leafalotta I’m really hoping he can stay sober. I’ll take a look at that book thanks

I listened to that podcast last night @mindutopia it was very moving, that poor woman.

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Evenmoretired44 · 27/05/2024 22:15

It’s a fork in the road. If he can sustain total abstinence from alcohol he has a good chance of getting quite a bit better and surviving for years - although fatigue will be a long term issue. Being linked in with his community alcohol services and trying AA or other recovery communities give him a better chance of sustaining it.

I would suggest phoning the British Liver Trust. It’s staffed by wonderful nurses who can talk things through with you in more detail.

for your DD link her in with NACOA - it is really important that she has support too and can talk to her peers in similar situations.

MojoJojo71 · 27/05/2024 22:30

Thank uou@Evenmoretired44 I looked up NACOA last night as they were mentioned in the podcast a PP recommended.

I’ve referred myself to my workplace counselling service and they have recommended a local young
minds service for DD too

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Skintdancemum · 27/05/2024 22:32

By the time my dad was at this point he died, his organs all started shutting down

Bex268 · 27/05/2024 22:41

My mum was like this for about a year and a half and then she died. I’m sorry OP - I understand your pain and frustration. Protect your daughter as this isn’t going to be easy.

MojoJojo71 · 27/05/2024 22:48

I’m so sorry for your loss @Skintdancemum

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MojoJojo71 · 27/05/2024 22:50

Thank you @Bex268 I’m sorry you lost your mum.

it is very difficult, I’m hoping for the best but trying to prepare for the worst

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