He's drinking again

[StosbyNillsAndCash]

Fuck.

After two weeks my partner is drinking heavily again and trying to hide it.

We've been having problems in our relationship lately and had a difficult conversation a couple of weeks ago where I told him that his drinking and hiding it was the big sticking point for me. Just to add I have tried very hard not to give any ultimatums, more sticking to letting him know how it makes me feel.

He didn't drink (as far as I know) for a couple of weeks amd I was slowly starting to feel better and more relaxed about things and more positive. He's now back to his old tricks of drinking and trying to make it look like he's drinking less than he is, hiding empties etc.

I feel a combination of resignation, sadness and anger.

I can't believe we're fucking back here again.

Hi @StosbyNillsAndCash - I’m sorry you are going through this.

sadly I am “your DH” in my family so I’m not best placed to offer advice. My family have stuck by me despite the absolute hell I’ve put them through but I know many of DH’s friends have told him to leave me. We have grown up DC, one of whom is still at home but they’ve both been put through the wringer too. I’m very very grateful for the hundred “second chances” I’ve been given and determined to get sober for life this time.

So I cant say “leave him” as that would be completely hypocritical of me. But I’m hoping my replying will bump your post and others in your situation might reply with helpful advice that resonates with you .

💐

Thank you. It's nice to hear from the other side to be honest. I know he's worried about losing me and at the moment I feel like I'm almost done, which is so sad.

I really hope things work out well for you. Was there anything that your partner did r said that helped or was deciding to be sober something that came from you?

you leave. Else this will be your life forever as you will be enabling him. As the previous poster has stated, despite children at home etc, they have never stopped and have put their family through hell.

This won’t end well for you or him. Make the break now.

Will he try any therapy, AA, SMART, etc? Has he been to any meetings or talked to anyone? Does he want to get sober?

I ask because I relapsed many times but I kept trying to stay sober. I went into rehab, therapy, tried many different online meetings, read books and listened to podcasts. If he can commit to that then you could give him another chance. If not then he won't be able to stay sober and he will get worse. But this is up to you, if he's trying but it's destroying you then you have to look after yourself.

The success rate for alcoholics is not great, but I wanted to tell you it is possible.

He hasn't tried anything (to my knowledge), so we have no outside support. I don't want to push him too hard because I'm worried that it makes it "my" issue. I guess he must know it's a problem otherwise he wouldn't be hiding it from me but I don't know whether he hides it because he knows I have an issue with the amount he drinks or if he knows it's a problem and is in denial.

He has been referred for some health issues but I'm worried that he won't be honest with the GP about his drinking.

I feel like if he lies about this, what else will he happily lie about?

If he doesn't want to stop, you're on a hiding to nowhere. Mine was like this. I did give him an ultimatum, which was rehab and sobriety or divorce. He half asked the rehab, relapsed straight back into lying and hiding booze so I started the divorce. Please not it was the lying tgat triggered it; if he had relapsed into drinking, been honest about it and started over, that would have been OK because relapse us part of recovery.

But he didn't, it all got very bad, he left with police involvement and he died. I couldn't help him. You can't help your OH either. So please help yourself.

He didn't drink (as far as I know) for a couple of weeks amd I was slowly starting to feel better and more relaxed about things and more positive.

With a recovering alcoholic you need to be thinking in years rather than weeks - and even then there are no guarantees.

But the absolute first step is that the alcoholic has to want to stop. Really want to. It doesn't sound like he was ever particularly committed to this goal and may have thought that a couple of weeks off was enough to prove to himself that he's not an alcoholic because he didn't drink for two weeks.

You are quite right, you can't make him want to stop, or seek help. But you can do that for yourself. You can attend Al Anon (and be very open with him about the fact you are). This is the companion book to the one that really made a difference to me when I stopped drinking.

Focus on yourself and what you need and want.

It is the lying/deceiving for me too.

And the fact that I'm in the awkward position of having to be a bit devious to find his hidden bottles and evidence of drinking, but if I wasn't then I wouldn't know he was drinking so much and would potentially end up dealing with the consequences of it much later on. I feel like he's put me in a horrible position.

But he can be lovely. He's a great dad and he's pulling his weight with stuff at home. So that weirdly makes it harder because the drinking is not really affecting our lives in any tangible way.

It's not affecting your lives yet , but it will and your children will be the ones most affected.

@pointythings I'm so sorry, that must have been extremely hard 💐

I hid bottles endlessly but I was still trying to get better. If he's not admitted he has a problem then there's no way he can get better. I'm sorry, he has to realise this otherwise there's nothing. He doesn't mean to make you feel so bad by the horrible lying, it's the alcoholic desperation for having to have access to alcohol. But, by not acknowledging his problem that's when he's being terrible to you. He'll rip you apart if he doesn't want to get better. 🙁 I'm so sorry. You are definitely not making it a you problem by telling him to get help, if he says you are then it's absolutely his problem and will become more so when you draw the line.

I’m going through this too. Partner drinks and lies about it.. hides it. Im almost done I think, I’ve tried to get him to change and it never happens. He actually thinks it’s normal to drink 6-8 pints every night and lie about it. He even drinks in the shower.

I've been you OP

In my past

He likely won't change unless HE wants to

Hugs

I hope you find the strength to leave. Honestly, you won't believe how much better your life will be when you do.

You can’t change his behaviour. You can only control yours. You need to plan to leave. He obviously doesn’t really want to stop. So he won’t.

I’ve been there. Last 3-4 years, wasn’t a ‘bad’ drunk, but all the repeated lying, deceiving and then drunk driving …..
it has definitely escalated. We are now separated and he’s still lying and drinking despite going to AA half heartedly and losing his license.
it was only when I asked for a break that I started to see it clearly

That's really sad @Autumnleavesfalling23 😔

My partner is not a 'bad' drunk either so it's been hard to see it.

Something happened on the weekend where I confronted him over something small but serious and he reacted as if I was completely unreasonable when he was definitely in the wrong. I was calm but it wasn't very nice. This makes me feel like I'm just not tough enough for this fight with his drinking. I worry that he'd pay lip service to something and still be drinking secretly.

This is what alcoholics do. They reach for defence mode as a matter of routine, they will not take anything you say on board. They can't, because admitting you might have a point will confront them with the reality they are inflicting on themselves.

I'll say this again: You don't need to be fighting with his drinking. He is the one who has to do that. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

To add, the thing I confronted him about was completely unrelated to drinking, but it makes me feel like he'd just push back so much on the alcohol issues that I can't do it..

@StosbyNillsAndCash what do you think it would take for you to accept that it's OK to save yourself and walk away? Because you're going to drive yourself mad here. I know what I'm talking about, I'm one of those who stayed for far too long. Almost 7 years of the crazy rollercoaster that's life with an addict. I can honestly say that it's only now (almost 6 years after he died) that I am mentally recovered.

Please do better than I did.

he'd just push back so much on the alcohol issues

Yes - because he doesn't want to stop drinking. Only he can accept this and even after that it's a long and bumpy road. You're not even on it yet, and you may never be.

It is sad, I’ve been angry but I’m just sad for him now. He has lost the trust of his children (older teens) and his friends and me. I’m still trying to help him but from a safe distance, where I can protect the stable home environment for the kids.
I haven’t cut him off, he comes round to see kids but never stays over.
it takes time to see it, and we all want to hope. It took me over 3 years but I know I had to do it.
I now think my ‘support’ over the last at least 2 years was enabling him.

It is the best thing you can do for you, the children and for him.

I hope you find what’s right for you

I am reflecting on this a lot. 99% of the Time he's fine and the drinking doesn't affect our lives at all, so I keep falling back to thinking "maybe it's not that bad". But if he's hiding it then it must be bad.

Also I am the sort of person who let's things go a lot, so if it's bad enough for me to be posting about it on a forum it must be bad.

If he won't admit he has a problem he will never seek help. It will get worse over time. They don't just magically get better if they don't accept they have a problem and seek help. That has to be your first step and if he won't accept he has a problem and seek help then there is nothing you can do and you have to walk away. If he does admit to having a problem and seeks help that doesn't mean you are tied to sticking around if things don't improve over time.

Daughter of an alcoholic. My dad wasn't a particularly nice drunk and my mum finally had enough and left when I was 10. I had wanted her to leave for years before but my brother idolised our dad and didn't want to go. He was only 8 when we left.

Anger is a waste of time. I still speak to my dad and when he's sober he's lovely but I go NC when he's drinking, it's easier than wasting energy being angry. At 65 he realises he lost everything but it's been over 20 years since we left and he's done nothing to help himself. He lost not only his family but his career and the respect of many friends and colleagues.

It's sad to see but would have been much worse if we were all dragged down with him. I'm glad my mum left.

Best of luck to you. It's not easy. Maybe look to support groups for relatives of alcoholics for some support for yourself.