Husband he stopped drinking and it’s great BUT…

[bellylaughs]

DH stopped drinking 18 months ago. He was a social binge drinker (dinner parties, events etc but not at home or weeknights) I gave him an ultimatum after a particularly bad event and he just completely stopped drinking overnight, no support, nothing. Just did it. He prides himself on being mentally strong and would never accept help from a counsellor or AA etc.

Anyway, he has done it and hats off to him, life is better for me and the family now. He is pleased that his health is better etc. BUT here’s the downside, he is miserable bordering on depressed. He now hates socialising because he’s the only one sober, says he finds everyone else boring but I think it’s more that he’s missing being merry/drunk like them.

Our social life has dropped off a cliff, he doesn’t want me to organise anything, gets moody if we’re invited to something, sometimes even only agreeing to go if I agree that we’ll leave at 10pm or something.

I am so happy that he’s given up but at the same time I feel like my world is shrinking, I work in a really intense job Mon-Fri and I used to really look forward to seeing friends for dinner every couple of weeks.

It’s not just with friends either, he doesn’t want to go for a pub lunch, go to dinner just the two of us or any comedy nights, etc unless I promise I won’t drink either. I only ever have 1-2 glasses of wine in a whole night so it’s not a big deal but I do enjoy that 1 or 2 glasses and now I can’t.

Is it unsupportive of me to want to have a drink when I’m with him? Should I not?

And what about our social life? We meet the same friends for coffee during the day sometimes but it’s different obviously.

i know it’s stupid and selfish but I feel resentful and almost panicky that our social life is dwindling as we get older.

i suppose I want to have my cake and eat it. For him to be sober but also for our social life not to change too much. Probably unreasonable of me.

I don't have all the answers, OP, but it's a tricky situation.

I am stopping drinking for a while (maybe forever but early days). Our social life revolves around alcohol. Pubs, parties, meals, home etc. there are so few occasions where alcohol isn't involved.

I'm actually fine with other people drinking when I'm not, it doesn't tempt me.

It does bore me though, at a certain point, so I can see why your husband has a cut off of 10pm. Drinking people's conversation tends only to be interesting to drinking people after a while!

In terms of you drinking at pub lunches when it's just the two of you. This wouldn't bother me or affect me, but, I can see your husband's point. He sounds like he has addiction issues, and you drinking in front of him one-to-one is unfair on him. A bit like if you were on a restricted diet, and he ordered all the foods you wanted but can't have.

When I drank, I considered myself a social drinker, whereas my husband is a heavy drinker. I would have liked him to reduce a lot, but still wanted him to take part in my social lifestyle.

I saw that that didn't work, so I've decided to knock my own drinking on the head because I'm so fed up with drinking having control of what we do or don't do.

I guess my point is that as a couple, drinking can still control your lives when one doesn't drink. You have to try and find a life where alcohol isn't in control, and sometimes that means new interests and hobbies, with the old ones still being around but to a lesser extent.

I do think you're actually being unreasonable to expect him not to drink when you want to drink yourself. It's also a bit shit that you're still expecting him to go to places like pubs etc to socialise. It's not fair if his entire social life was built around alcohol, to then complain that he doesn't want to socialise if he cannot drink.

You need to work on building a social life that doesn't revolve around alcohol. If your friends are real friends they will understand that.

I can see why he doesn't want to be around people drinking as drunk people are boring.

Your one or two glasses of wine at lunch probably have more of an effect on your behaviour than you realise.

He needs needs to figure out how to have fun without drinking and I'm afraid you probably need to do the same.

I've stopped drinking due to the menopause but I finding it difficult to socialise when people are drinking as even after one drink people tend to louder and more irritating!

I can see why he wants a 10pm cut off.

Hello, I’ve been not drinking for the whole of 2024, personal choice and feel healthier/better for it. I am quite happy to still go out, eat out and do things with friends who are drinking. Possibly it is that your husband is seeing not drinking as a punishment and has a sense of loss over it. Physically he has stopped but his thoughts haven’t moved on?

I am not going out for the booze - it’s the food and the company, I enjoy the mocktails and various softs available. I do go home though before everyone gets drunk, to my comfy bed with no regrets.

you should be able to go out and have a drink though if you want to, but also look at things together that don’t involve alcohol.

I think I would make a deal with him; I'd give up drinking completely for at least a year on the condition that he go to AA or otherwise access counselling. The second he fails to do that, doesn't engage, or quit, the deal is off and you will have to re-evaluate a lot of things.

He may have stopped drinking but he's clearly done nothing to sort his head out. As I understand it, AA would call him a "dry drunk"; he may currently be sober but he's still a drinker and the odds are heavy that he will fall off the wagon again, probably before long.

@bellylaughs I’m the drinker in our family so I can see where your husband is coming from. I’m currently on day 4 sober after my most recent horrible relapse and avoiding any social situations which could trigger me. So some friends are out of bounds at the moment as they are big drinkers and I don’t feel comfortable being around them.

Also - When you’re trying to stay sober, the normalisation of drinking makes you feel like you are not normal. I am depressed and frustrated by the reminder I’m “not normal”. Maybe your husband feels similar?

That said, I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I mean this with respect - it’s just very hard for people without a problem to understand how the (ex)drinker feels.

Doesn’t mean I am saying the drinker’s needs must come first and I agree with the PP who said your DH needs to work on himself to move forward.

I guess it’s a shit situation and I can see both sides and there’s no perfect solution.

Hello OP, there is so much support out there for former drinkers and their spouses, think AA, etc. They can be a support and alternative social group for both of you. It sounds like you would both benefit.

Good point - OP, you might benefit from engaging with Al-Anon, which is for families and loved ones of alcoholics.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

I think it’s understandable that your h is annoyed and wants to leave by 10pm as drunk people are only interesting to drunk people. I’m surprised that you take him to pubs for dates though. He’s done well to remain sober when it sounds like alcohol features in so much of your social life together.

A close family relative is an alcoholic and has been for years. On occasion they have been dry for significant periods of time (years) but have lapsed when under extreme emotional stress. When they stay with us all alcohol has to be removed from the house and none of us would dream of drinking even though we love a few glasses of wine at the weekend.

i understand that this is a very different situation to yours as you’re living with it every day, but your only choice if you want to stay with him is to never drink around him and never expose him to situations where he will be tempted to drink. I think it’s agonising in a way that most of us can’t understand for someone like your husband to be around alcohol and not be able to have a drink.

I really feel for you and wish you the very best in dealing with this.

If it was me I would not drink when I went out with him, but then meet up with friends without him and drink then. You don't have to do everything together and that is a fair compromise IMO.

He was a social drinker and associates drinking with socialising. He doesn't want to socialise without drinking, because that's his deal, drinking is socialising. In this new sober-dh world, then it does seem only fair, if not essential, that you don't drink either if you want to reboot your social life.

If he drank problematically socially, but only socially, and managed to keep all those friends, it suggests that social heavy drinking is considered reasonable and normal in those groups. Otherwise the binge drinking would have had social repercussions. Is it? If it is normal in his (and your?) friends, then not wanting to socialise with them doesn't really sound like a problem, it sounds like he needs different friends, who like different things. Has he actually tried anything different, or just things he found fun when drinking, but without drinking?

As a teen and young adult, I had a lot of friends who liked recreational drugs. When I chose a different path to that at 19, my lack of desire to socialise with them while they had a few lines and I didn't, didn't indicate an issue with my sobriety - just that our interests no longer aligned. I just needed different friends and different leisure activities, as watching them do that was a bit dull really. The only difference I can see here is that alcohol is a legal drug. It's not fun being with people on recreational drugs when you have chosen a different path, whether it's wine or ketamine.

Thank you for all the messages. I totally get everyone saying our social life needs to change. Maybe I do need to not drink at all when it’s just the two of us. I will consider that.

In terms of the new social life, how on earth does that even begin to happen in mid-life. We are not big hobby people, (he plays a sport that involves social drinking). Our friends are not massive drinkers but socialising in alcohol free environments is not the norm in most of UK society surely? It’s hard to imagine what that would look like.

@bellylaughs - that's the million-dollar question, isn't it, and probably gives some insight into how much alcohol plays in your life. I've given this a lot of thought because our life is the same.

Apparently there ARE people whose lives aren't dictated by social drinking. They do walks, sports, theatre, coffee etc. Shamefully, I would have previously considered them boring, but actually now we are in our mid-late 40s, more and more of our friends are also looking to cut back.

I haven't cracked it yet. My DH still feels that social life = alcohol. I'm concentrating on figuring it out myself, and then hoping to be able to inspire and/or support him. But I'm dealing with my own social drinking first.

@CantFindTheBeat thank you for sharing that. It’s so hard. Good luck to you.

Ah the classic miserable dry drunk. Sober but is still an untreated addict in his head. He’s grumpy because life doesn’t seem fair to him. He wants to be able to drink in the way that he thinks everyone else can, but he knows he can’t. He should be learning more about addiction by going to AA or somewhere, but he still thinks he’s different from all the other drinkers. Relapse is likely and beware of him developing other addictions eg gambling.

Fun Bobby!

@TitusMoan your post resonates a lot. He definitely thinks he is “different” He feels he is super strong willed because he gave it up with no help. But he also feels as you say above that life is unfair now.

Can I ask, does AA really help with the “poor me” feelings he has currently. I never thought of AA as being useful for that. Also, if he refuses AA (very likely) is there a book or something else that could help him understand and conquer the feelings he’s having?

I’m not sure how much longer I can deal with him moping around the house telling me everything in life is shit now. (Ps he’s not always this down but it comes and goes) it’s the fact he won’t do anything to himself that’s winding me up….

Why did he need to give up totally? He clearly was not an alcoholic. Was that your ultimatum? And now he’s depressed and miserable and you want to keep going out and drinking and socialising with booze? What part of that is reasonable?

A couple of observations:

I think you have to stop drinking in his presence. This would be my #1 suggestion. As well as finding non-drinkers to socialise with. Maybe there is a sober Meetup group in your neck of the woods? Also consider taking up hobbies/interests that don't involve social drinking - sport, art, theatre perhaps.

From what I hear, AA is a bit Marmite, but it seems to me that your husband would probably benefit from counselling as I get the impression that he may have other 'issues' apart from alcohol.

Alcohol Explained is an excellent book. You should both read. The author, William Porter, also has a lot of useful talks on YouTube.

Can you go out / to dinners on your own?

I stopped 10 years ago and DH regularly and happily goes out on his own to things if I don't fancy them. It is dull if everyone else is drunk so I'd look at other options to socialise that don't involve / revolve around drinking.

You have to socialise in different ways, OP. As a sporadic non drinker for similar reasons it’s totally shit going out to places people go to get pissed and watching them do it without you. The messages you reinforce by putting yourself through that when are all really negative - ‘there’s something wrong with me that means I can’t have fun.’ ‘The only way of having fun is doing something that will make my wife leave me’ etc etc..

it absolutely is unsupportive to give him this ultimatum and then carry on socialising and drinking in the same way with the same people where all his triggers are and expect him to come and watch.

go for massive walks in the hills with people, go to museums, the theatre, the cinema, whatever. The way you’re dealing with this is telling him he’s boring and anti-social when he’s sober (which you require him to be) and he’s ruining your social life. It’s you that needs to change your mindset and behaviour not him.

Someone who is secure in their sobriety does not have an issue with others drinking lightly. My guess is that your partner still feels tempted or jealous. This is a very common outcome for people who quit without seeking support or really doing the work on themselves to address the reasons behind their alcohol abuse. He could access help with this at any point, through a group or 1:1 counselling.

However being around lots of drunk people at a boozy event is different, he's right that it can be very boring.

Yes, AA members who've been there a while are very familiar with the 'poor me' narrative and even joke about it: 'poor me, poor me, ...pour me another'. They are also quite upfront about the 'different and special' feelings that a lot of drinkers have. Not sure about books for him but I always recommend Marriage on the Rocks by Janet Woititz as it really helped me.