Husband he stopped drinking and it’s great BUT…

[bellylaughs]

DH stopped drinking 18 months ago. He was a social binge drinker (dinner parties, events etc but not at home or weeknights) I gave him an ultimatum after a particularly bad event and he just completely stopped drinking overnight, no support, nothing. Just did it. He prides himself on being mentally strong and would never accept help from a counsellor or AA etc.

Anyway, he has done it and hats off to him, life is better for me and the family now. He is pleased that his health is better etc. BUT here’s the downside, he is miserable bordering on depressed. He now hates socialising because he’s the only one sober, says he finds everyone else boring but I think it’s more that he’s missing being merry/drunk like them.

Our social life has dropped off a cliff, he doesn’t want me to organise anything, gets moody if we’re invited to something, sometimes even only agreeing to go if I agree that we’ll leave at 10pm or something.

I am so happy that he’s given up but at the same time I feel like my world is shrinking, I work in a really intense job Mon-Fri and I used to really look forward to seeing friends for dinner every couple of weeks.

It’s not just with friends either, he doesn’t want to go for a pub lunch, go to dinner just the two of us or any comedy nights, etc unless I promise I won’t drink either. I only ever have 1-2 glasses of wine in a whole night so it’s not a big deal but I do enjoy that 1 or 2 glasses and now I can’t.

Is it unsupportive of me to want to have a drink when I’m with him? Should I not?

And what about our social life? We meet the same friends for coffee during the day sometimes but it’s different obviously.

i know it’s stupid and selfish but I feel resentful and almost panicky that our social life is dwindling as we get older.

i suppose I want to have my cake and eat it. For him to be sober but also for our social life not to change too much. Probably unreasonable of me.

You clearly know NOTHING about alcoholism and should leave the thread

Yes, I've heard the expression dry drunk and it seems to apply to him. He's done well, to be fair, quitting for 18 months on an ultimatum. (Things must have been pretty bad?)

Most of us drinkers don't quit on others' say-so. WE have to want to stop drinking more than we want to continue. It's a long and tough track and not all of us succeed. He is doing this for you, on willpower alone. Which is commendable in a way. But not easy.

I'd recommend the book This Naked Mind. Quitting alcohol now is less focused on abstinence through willpower; it's more on changing the way you view alcohol so you're not missing out. Reprogramming some of the pathways in your brain. Not giving alcohol the credit for a good time.
I'd also recommend podcasts, There are tons out there, just find one that fits. He might enjoy Sober Dave, it'll help him feel less alone.

As for the socialising? With his headspace (he feels he is missing out and probably grieving a big part of his and society's life), it is tough. He needs to get to the viewpoint that he isn't missing out, and that's not straightforward. I was out at the weekend and everyone was drinking except me. I had a small inner tantrum but then shrugged it off because I knew how it would end up for me. I was happy to wake up not feeling shit. If he was able to get to this headspace it would be easier for him to shrug off you having a glass of wine because he genuinely wouldn't want one.

I never feel that anyone else should have to change their drinking but there are some days I would definitely not want to meet my friends in a pub when they are drinking. It would be very hard. I think he's trying to tell you the same. If you find it hard not to have 1 or 2 glasses of wine on a Friday night, put yourself in his shoes as a problem drinker! I really can see this from both sides and he needs to do more on his EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY. You might find it helpful to show him our posts. Fingers crossed you guys will get there x

Surely you need to go out with your friends alone without him and do whatever you want when out with them, go out with him but never drink when you do, and reach some kind of compromise around times when you both go out together with friends?

The actor Richard Burton was a high-functioning alcoholic and it got him in the end - in his 50s. But when he gave it up his wife Liz Taylor confided that she missed out sexually, it seemed to fuel him, his libido dropped off when he was sober for any stretch. I read that just once, anyway.

A bit like cutting out junk food, the brain needs to reconfigure. The journalist Johann Hari had a piece recently about how he tried out that fat jab. It worked very well but then he felt a bit down because the underlying issues that MADE. him want to binge eat on takeaways were still there, unaddressed, only now with nothing to distract him now, due to his low appetite.

Of course, as kids we didn't need alcohol and had a high old time. What happened in between?

How about some kind of sport or game thing to take his mind off? Table tennis? Not sure about golf, I feel it's a neurotics' game. Go for a kind of 'I'm going to get home and do THIS' kind of thing, and for once it's not open a bottle of wine. It's just something to replace that buzz. Something else to do, to fill that gap. A weekly trip to the sauna at the local gym, anything.

Drink is a lazy and easy way to fill that time. Without it, you have to think, how am I filling my time?

The post-war generation were heavy drinkers - David Niven, for instance, another actor - and you felt with what they'd been through, you couldn't blame them. If something came along to make your husband depressed, well, that would hardly be unusual, that's life. But what was it?

He prides himself on being mentally strong and would never accept help from a counsellor or AA etc.

I think this is pretty key and speaks to my experience with my ExH. He quit drinking without joining AA or any support group. Obviously I was hugely relieved he'd stopped drinking, but because he did it solo there was none of the self-reflection that support groups encourage as to why he drank, no thought to the pain he'd caused others and certainly no recognition or apology for the 5 years of hell he'd put me through. In his mind he was the hero who'd quit drinking and so was beyond reproach or criticism. This is a big reason as to why he's my ExH ...

In your case OP, I'd say your DH needs that support to reflect on how he (and you!) can have a social life going forward and how reasonable (or not) it is for him to expect to enforce rules and sobriety on you. He needs the support of a group or counsellor to do that and to provide ongoing support as he faces these challenges. He can't just unilaterally impose a regime on you and try to control your drinking in order to control his own. Excessive drinking comes from a place of addiction vulnerability - he needs to step away from this pride in being 'mentally strong' and not needing help and explore that in group.

I stopped drinking (cant drink as I'm unwell and on heavy medication)

I find socialising is fine until everyone else is pissed. It becomes so boring. Everyone starts to repeat themselves. Gets slightly more argumentative etc

Getting into rounds is annoying

I definitely come home earlier

Is he miserable and depressed? Or does he just not enjoy socialising? Or just not enjoy socialising that is build all around alcohol? Because these are different things.

I'd say I'm quite like your dh. I don't mind seeing friends, but I don't feel I need to do it much to feel satisfied with life. I do find it tedious, however, that it's all build up around boozing. Like would be very happy to go for a meal in a pub (that's just me, maybe feels too tempting and upsetting for him). But no, I wouldn't want to be out past 10pm if I could help it. I find it much more enjoyable to be at home and going to bed! A party is fine, for about 2 hours max, and then I need to make my excuses. I just get tired of having to engage with people and I'd rather be doing something else! Alcohol, I think, helped me tolerate it more and now I'm quite happy to just set my boundaries and say, I don't enjoy that so I'm not doing it.

That said, I don't mind if dh has a few drinks with a meal or out with friends, and it doesn't bother me if he goes out with people without me. In fact, I wish he'd do more of it! If you want to go out with friends to the pub or something else that is drinking heavy, are you happy to go on your own? Or what about organising something that isn't alcohol focussed, like a walk or meeting friends for breakfast as a couple? That said, what if you went out as a couple and you didn't drink, would it be fun? Would you want to stay late? If the answer is no, you can probably understand why he feels like he does. I don't think that means you can't still socialise, but you need to work together to figure out how to do it in a way you can both enjoy.